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low sex drive in women

Posted by @mom2tir in Women's Health, Sep 4, 2011

I am a 46 year old female, happily married for 20 years with 3 kids. I work full time and take care of the house, dogs, cats, etc. I have never had a high sex drive, but in the past few years it has gotten so bad that I really could care less if I have sex. I know this is frustrating to my husband who is always telling me how much he wants me, etc. He has tried to be understanding. But I fear he will go somewhere else for sex. I have been to the doctor without success. They just say it is normal stress. I think it is female sexual dysfunction. I do have sex with my husband but he wants me to really be "into" it and that is hard for me. Has anyone gone through this or is going through this? I would love your feedback and discussion.

Tags: womens health


Posted by @justagrandma, Sep 5, 2011

Not an expert, but Menopause will slow down your sex drive. Compiled with all the other stresses in your life, well, it really isn't a surprising thing. Honestly, just from experience, your mind is in more control of your sexual desire than you think. Find some de-stressing ideas that are appealing to you (one of the best is sex itself) and work on re-learning to relax. Coupled with re-learning to be affectionate towards your spouse...suggested reading...The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book has some really good insight into learning to show love to your spouse (and vise versa) so that you both feel loved. It is a good read that my cousin turned me on to in a time of marital trouble. Good Luck and God Bless

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Posted by @sueshine8, Sep 5, 2011

My dear, I empathize with you cause been there done that. The fact that you are seeking help, shows how caring you are not only for your husband but for the marriage. Yes your husband is vulnerable to any of these "don't care if you are married women" but the fact that he hasn't left means he cares for you a lot. Mind you when i was going through this i didn't realize how deeply wounding this situation was to my husband. Yes I was there and was having sex with him out of necessity rather than wanting him but he took it as rejection of him as a person as he was getting on too.
First you need to see the right Doctor cause there are some natural hormones that can be made compatible with yours to help enable your body get more receptive, When i was given those I was able to enjoy it more, I went from dreading bedtime to actually looking forward to it.
Second you need to work on yourself as a sexual being for example before going to bed; think sexy, watch a sexy movie together, read a sexy book as suggested above etc.To tell you the truth i even bought lingerie. You should see me wearing it and joking with him before bed to enable us relax.!
You need to relax, make jokes starting perhaps at dinner!
Be of good courage its gonna be alright you'll see.


Posted by @nicumig1, Sep 6, 2011

I am a married women with 2 children. By the time I work all day then fix dinner and do homework I am so tired I just want to go to sleep whille my husband has other plans any suggestions


Posted by @justagrandma, Sep 6, 2011

First, I would just like to say: There is a difference between "sex" and "making Love". That being said, being tired has a tendency to make any of us not take the moments of pleasure that are offered to us in life. Making Love between a husband and wife is a beautiful experience for them both! Often, men are more driven (but not always) and many women turn their energy elsewhere...the home, the children, etc. Ask yourself: Do you still Love your husband? Don't you want to show him that Love in a way that he desires? Does he show you Love in the ways you desire? Making Love is not a chore, it is something that brings pleasure to the other...whether it means:

Physical touch--sex, hugs, kisses, holding hands, brush of fingertips across a cheek, etc.;

Acts of service--doing dishes, mowing the lawn;

Gift giving/receiving--a picked flower, a simple spur of the moment card, your body to your man in a romantic way;

Positive words--complimenting dinner cooked, complimenting how beautiful the yard looks, complimenting a hug or kiss;

Real time--time to really listen to each other without interruption from the outside world like the TV, phone, kids, etc perhaps fixing dinner together and talking about you as a couple and what you love about each other

Again, great read: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Though it is my opinion that all people need little amounts of all of the above and perhaps a little more in one area that really makes them feel good and Loved. When we get so busy in our day to day lives because of being tired, do we forget to show our love to the one that will be there when the children are all grown and gone? Sometimes, the stress relief that we are looking for in our busy lives that make us so tired is right there in front of us in our "Lover's" arms.

No offence, but there are many women out there in the world that would be more than willing to give a man physical attention and most men seem easily led astray by touch. If you truly Love your husband...don't play fair...what I mean is, what originally was attractive to you both is still there, remember and grow, but show your husband how much he means to you in the ways that he is most receptive and understands and he will reward you with letting you know what you mean to him. Hope my words may help in some small way. Good Luck & God Bless


Posted by @sueshine8, Sep 9, 2011

May I agree with "just a Grandma" and maybe add a few things which in my experience are also important.
You did not say how old you, the children, or even your marriage are. In absence of these i want to say how important the stage you are in marriage is to its survival. it depends on what you do or don't do.
However you have sought other peoples opinion which means you do need to see a solution, Every case and person is different what works for one may not work for another
It is very easy for us to comment as outsiders because we don't understand exactly what you are going through but bear with me. I don't believe this is as simple or as casual as it sounds it is much more complicated.

1. Maybe I understood it wrongly but you seem to be alone in the running around with the children. I have never thought that the responsibility of the children to pick and drop them from here and there is solely my responsibility. it is a shared responsibility of both the husband and wife as partners in this journey. If by any chance you are not asking your husband in your family meetings to help where you need help, then you need to start involving him.

2. Family meetings are important in voicing out any concerns anybody has. It is also a time to seek additional forgiveness for things that did not work out during the last week. However as husband and wife am sure you have heard that you are not supposed to go to bed before you forgive each other!

3.The other issue is family leisure time. There is a time for husband and wife to leave the children behind with a nanny or in-laws or your mother and go out just the two of you! To share, enjoy and have a good time. if you do this once a week you will find that you grow closer, you don't have to go spending money there are many things you could do together like a walk in the park and just talk and love each other, remind each other why you are married. Reminding each other where you are going as a married couple and how you are preparing for the future of the children and the whole family.
I heard of this couple who on their date night would go just sit in the car and have it out right there to remind each other of days gone by when they used to do just that!!

4.Your relationship with your hubby is very important to the children.They need to see you happy as their mother,helping each other with your husband in their upbringing.Your relationship with your husband shapes their future. So they need to see people who care for each other in action.

I have brought all these up because i believe if you are working together in the upbringing of your children, you probably would not be so tired come bedtime. If both of you are engaged seriously with each other you will enjoy the journey much more.

You may also want to see the doctor just to be sure that your reproductive health is fine.

NB:I wish i had someone tell me the above things when I was where you are now.Probably would have been saved from a lot of pain and sorrow.


Posted by @justagrandma, Sep 13, 2011

Some really great additional points that even elaborate a little more on some of my points.

I think there are many of us who have already made the journey through many years of trial and error in our marriages that wish there had been someone there to help us see from a different angle.

Marriage and the rearing of children takes two all the way...not some of the time...all of the time!


Posted by @mom2tir, Sep 15, 2011

I thank all of you for your responses! I really didn't know if anyone would respond. I am almost 47. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Our kids are 19 (away at college), 16 (a senior in h.s.), and 13 (8th grade teenage girl who is quite the drama queen). We are very compatible and my husband is easy going and not demanding in any way. He works very hard and is on his feet all day. He is 49. Our work hours do not give us many hours alone. He does his share of picking up/taking the two kids where they need to be. He does the laundry! He is very loving and always tells me how much I turn him on, how beautiful he thinks I am, and how much he wants me. he always compliments the meals, and anything I do. He attributes the success of our children in school to me. He does not ask for much at all, really. But, he wants me to be totally into our love making when I really would rather sleep! I have not begun menopause yet. My tubes are tied so pregnancy is not an issue. I feel really blessed. I have been to the doctor - my doctor has not really considered it an isssue, and I guess I haven't pushed it. I have tried the cream one of you suggested. It made me nautious and didn't really help. I do take allergy medication, and I think that might have a dampening affect on my sex drive. I know it is about love making, but sometimes I feel like if I reach out to touch my husband he wil immediately want sex. I look forward to hearing from any/all of you again!


Posted by @meme, Sep 10, 2011

Check to see if there is a Bloom study near you. It is a clinical trial on a testosterone gel that is applied to your arm. You may want to consider joining it. It is for women with low sex drive.

Also, consider fantasy and the use of erotica to help stimulate you. Thinking about sex and thinking about having sex may increase your desire. Try to remember some of the spicier events in your life and see if that helps. Spend more time physically connecting with your husband, touching, kissing, etc. but make sure he knows it may not lead to sex and not to be disappointed. Just enjoy each other and things may improve in time. M.


Posted by @dcprofessional, Nov 20, 2012

My Ob/Gyn said testosterone isn't proven or approved for sexual dysfunction.


Posted by @anon44072867, Jun 5, 2013

Just do it with your husband as much as he want, and work very hard to be into it, consider it like your work, like if you are working 8 hours a day consider 9 hours and the one hour more is for your husband sexual needs. Because believe me if you did listen to him now it will be too late later


Posted by @piglit, Jun 6, 2013

It's so important to be considerate of each others needs in a relationship. Never feel that you have to be with your husband because you feel you have to too please him. This is about you too. You need to open the communication lines with each other and try to sort the way you both feel about this. it is also good to maybe go and talk to someone your G.P. or maybe a little counselling may help. I so disagree with treating this as if its your work, that's not what a good relationship is about it's about a little understanding from both of you. You have a good stable marriage with this man I'm sure things will work out just give it time. Take care Piglit

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