Lost My Resolve

Hello everyone who has followed my journey of madness in dealing with apartment dwellers and neurotic women. No offense intended. I too can be neurotic at times.

If being told by my "friend" that I looked like a Holocaust victim was not bad enough, I received a phone call this afternoon from my next door neighbor, a woman I met 10 years ago and for quite some time we had a very nice friendship. This friendship took a turn last summer while I was walking her dog (a dog that my dog and I had found and I had given to her). The dog had terrible diarrhea during the walk, and when we returned I asked her what she had fed the dog that morning. "Macaroni Salad from Walmart." I said to her that we had discussed her history of feeding dogs human food and what the result of doing so could be. She had killed her last dog by feeding her liverwurst along with every other "human"" food one could imagine. Think, McDonald Happy Meals that she spread out on the grass to eat with her dog. Yes, I am serious. "Don't you shame me about my dog" she says to me. This is just some background information so that whoever reads this will understand what happened this afternoon after I returned from a lovely shopping trip with a friend.

I was outside on my patio all morning, rearranging plants and repotting plants. Yes, I did use the cordless drill for a few minutes. Anyway, when I got home and finished up the gardening, I came inside and my neighbor called me and said, "You need to take your sign off of the fence." The sign in question reads: "Carpe Diem." I said to her, "you mean you don't want to seize the day?" She said, "that is your stuff and I don't want to look at it." Sighing. I went outside and said over the fence, "this 95 lb body does not have any energy left today to climb on a ladder with my drill and remove the sign." End of story. Almost.

This evening I began reading articles about the stigma attached to those who suffer from a chronic illness, and I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience. It was only when I began showing signs of being ill that those in my community pretty much steered clear of me. This behavior continues. In fact, when I was walking home from the friend I take care of a week or so ago, and just after being told I look like a Holocaust victim, I took note that several women I used to walk my dog with and talk to were out with their dogs and sped up so not to have to talk to me. I've let all of this roll off my shoulder as best I can because I know this crazy behavior is more about them than I.

However, one reaches a point where they feel like they just can't take it anymore. I am not inclined to do anything stupid, although my friend who I take care of suggested I "key" my neighbor's car on my way home this evening. I did not do this, and have no plans to do so. I am at a loss for words. When I first moved into this apartment, I hung up a rainbow windsock, and the same neighbor demanded I remove it because she did not want her grandchildren to see it. A rainbow? I did not put that out because of some "pride" thing, but rather as a decoration I thought was cheerful.

I understand now why some people who have no self control can just lose it over a situation similar to mine. I am not going to do anything other than remove the sign. And to think that just a few days ago I floated a balloon over the fence on which I had written, "Have a Great Day,"

Thank you for reading this. I broke my cardinal rule which is not to go online after 8 pm because I felt I needed to tell someone, a stranger even, just how I am feeling, presently. I went into my bedroom earlier, took hold of my dog's picture and cried because I do not understand why we must live in such a cruel world.