1. < Depression & Anxiety

Is anyone emotionally dependent on a same sex best friend?

Posted by karalou70 @karalou70, May 30 10:38am

Ever since I was a teenager I have zeroed in on one particular friend and been completely emotionally dependent on that person. I have had many friends like this. Always only one specific friend at a time. I’m very insecure about the friendship and need to constantly talk daily to my best friend. If I call and she doesn’t answer I have anxiety. If we don’t talk for a day or too I have extreme anxiety and think about her constantly. If I text her I have extreme anxiety until she answers. I’m working with a therapist and started talking to my best friend only once a day. I obsess over everything she does. I’m sick of being this way. It’s debilitating many times. I can’t focus on anything else but her. I’ve questioned whether I’m a lesbian but I’m not. I’m not sexually attracted to my friend and love men. Can anyone relate?

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | May 30 1:24pm

This began in yout teen years. How long has it continued? The fact that you are not blaming your friend(s) for not being responsive enough is a huge step in the right direction. By the way, how well do they respond to your need? Do they hang in there in a kind of codependency, or run in the other direction. It takes two to tango.
Was there some ongoing circumstance or an event in your pre-teens that helped to create anxiety about being abandoned.
Some good current thinking on the subject says that what you are going through is your system's protective reaction to trauma, ie. not your fault.
Your therapist might suggest some anxiety relieving meds (not the benzodiazipines) , and you could go back in talk therapy to where this began.
We can talk more, if this makes sense to you.

REPLY
1 reply
karalou70 | @karalou70 | May 30 2:45pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "This began in yout teen years. How long has it continued? The fact that you are..." + (show)
@shmerdloff

This began in yout teen years. How long has it continued? The fact that you are not blaming your friend(s) for not being responsive enough is a huge step in the right direction. By the way, how well do they respond to your need? Do they hang in there in a kind of codependency, or run in the other direction. It takes two to tango.
Was there some ongoing circumstance or an event in your pre-teens that helped to create anxiety about being abandoned.
Some good current thinking on the subject says that what you are going through is your system's protective reaction to trauma, ie. not your fault.
Your therapist might suggest some anxiety relieving meds (not the benzodiazipines) , and you could go back in talk therapy to where this began.
We can talk more, if this makes sense to you.

Jump to this post

I honestly think the root is my first best friend when I was 16. She was 13. I feel like we were emotionally dependent on eachother. We talked every day. When I went out of town for a week and we weren't able to talk(these were the days before cell phones) when I got back I had letters from her telling me how depressed she was because she couldn't talk to me and how much she missed me. The insecurity I have with my best friends comes from the fact that when I was 18, she wrote me and told me she wanted to stop being best friends because of our age difference and another friend of hers that was the same age would take my place. So now, I constantly am insecure about losing my best friends. My current best friend understands my emotional dependence that I have on her and is supportive and understanding. She doesn't completely understand because she doesn't have this issue which is good. I would not wish this problem on anyone. Although Honestly I want her to be emotionally dependent on me too. That would make me happy and would make things easier on me. I do take gabapentin for anxiety and it helps somewhat. I prefer alcohol though however it is not healthy to drink as much as I would like to drink. I am in therapy and it is somewhat helpful. Thank you for your encouragement and commendation and for your kind response to my post. I would love to talk more about it and look forward to hearing from you again.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | May 30 3:15pm

If you can be a good friend to yourself, you can be a better friend to someone else. It begins with you.
No, you do not want someone as anxious as you may be for connection. That's not friendship. That's suction-not healthy.
REPLY
1 reply
karalou70 | @karalou70 | May 30 3:50pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "If you can be a good friend to yourself, you can be a better friend to..." + (show)
@shmerdloff

If you can be a good friend to yourself, you can be a better friend to someone else. It begins with you.
No, you do not want someone as anxious as you may be for connection. That's not friendship. That's suction-not healthy.

Jump to this post

Yes I agree.

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dlydailyhope | @dlydailyhope | May 31 9:12am

@karalou70
Have you been abandoned or neglected/abused by a parent in the past when you were a child? Do you know the source and cause of your codependent tendencies?

It definitely sounds like you have fear and anxiety in your relationships with friends which is not healthy for you or them.

Are you being treated for anxiety with medication? Are you busy day to day so you don’t have too much free time on your hands to worry and obsess?

REPLY
1 reply
karalou70 | @karalou70 | Jun 8 1:04pm
In reply to @dlydailyhope "@karalou70 Have you been abandoned or neglected/abused by a parent in the past when you were..." + (show)
@dlydailyhope

@karalou70
Have you been abandoned or neglected/abused by a parent in the past when you were a child? Do you know the source and cause of your codependent tendencies?

It definitely sounds like you have fear and anxiety in your relationships with friends which is not healthy for you or them.

Are you being treated for anxiety with medication? Are you busy day to day so you don’t have too much free time on your hands to worry and obsess?

Jump to this post

Actually I haven’t been abandoned by a parent. My parents are great. But I don’t as abandoned by a best friend. She and I were emotionally dependent ones other I think. And she decided she didn’t want t to be best friends any longer as she found another best friend closer to her age. This happened when I was 18 and she was 15. I feel like this is the reason for my unhealthy relationships today.

REPLY
1 reply
karalou70 | @karalou70 | Jun 8 1:06pm
In reply to @karalou70 "Actually I haven’t been abandoned by a parent. My parents are great. But I don’t as..." + (show)
@karalou70

Actually I haven’t been abandoned by a parent. My parents are great. But I don’t as abandoned by a best friend. She and I were emotionally dependent ones other I think. And she decided she didn’t want t to be best friends any longer as she found another best friend closer to her age. This happened when I was 18 and she was 15. I feel like this is the reason for my unhealthy relationships today.

Jump to this post

Yes I am Taking meds but not sure how much they are helping. I’m also seeing a therapist. I do need to work on staying busier.

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