I'm Starting to Resent My Mum for Being My Only Reason to Live

I’m very sorry for you and the pain you’re going through, it’s so sad to hear you talk about death being your only option. I know that you love your mother very much and she’s your anchor in life, I don’t think you want to hurt her by taking your life, it’s a terrible legacy you leave her with and being her only child, you are probably her biggest blessing in life and it would destroy her life if she lost you this way, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I feel that you’re very depressed and desperate for help but finding the right help is never easy for anyone, please don’t give up on yourself, try to be strong and keep looking for the right help you need so desperately, I feel hopeful for you that you’re here expressing your feelings because it tells me you’re not ready to give up on yourself.

@wannascreamintospace, I urge you to seek help and talk with someone.

In the US and Canada, you can call or text with trained counsellors any time of night or day at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org and https://988.ca/
- Call or text 988
- Chat with a counsellor at https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S. You don't need your phone. You can chat on your computer.

If you are not located in the US or Canada, here are additional hotlines to call:
- In the UK: Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/ 116 123
- Worldwide https://befrienders.org/ Befrienders.org

@wannascreamintospace, it is good that you have reached out. We're listening. As much as you are living for your mom, please also take time to look after you (for you and for her). I know it feels like pushing a granite boulder up a mountain. Just one step at a time. For today, please call one of the numbers listed above.

wannascreamintospace,
the depths of caring for you mom is wonderfully evident in your test. The resentment of the title leaves not a trace.
Your "ahedonia" seems situational. You don't want to go to work because: it isn't challenging enough?; you don't have good colleagues?; it doesn't pay enough? You do still want something better.
Sometimes we get trapped in jobs because they pay the bills. I'm guessing career counseling would be an advantage. What is that area you are interested in? Likely there is another avenue to that sort of career.
Sleep is a good escape. Screamingintospace is such a temporary relief. Dying might look easier but it is problematic--very painful and often the effort is unsuccessful. When it is unsuccessful the physical problems afterward will make you long for the good old screaming days. Maybe, search the internet instead for online courses.
wishing you and your precious mom longevity

I understand your feelings. I hope you feel better. I keep trying to keep positive. I ask God for help . I have a lot of anxiety and depression but I ask God for help and believe that He loves me and has a good plan for my life. Don't give up

@wannascreamintospace I didn’t know this feeling had a name …

Thanks everyone for all your hugs and encouraging comments.

I'm feeling better today. I just got an internship position related to my field of study, and will be starting this Monday. Yay! I guess life has a few silver linings after all.

Apparently it does.

Honey, you have some serious depression and some anxiety and altho your suicidal ideation is now only passive it can turn into active where YOU ARE going to commit suicide. Your mother is your life line bc she is one of the reasons to live. What other reasons do you have? Friends, pets, those that would miss u or need you. I've been where u are where I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. Get to a reputable psychiatrist....find the resources 2 pay for it. See if they can give you samples( free of charge) of medicine. You're reaching out to US for help...PLEASE take my suggestion...PLEASE.. we don't need 2 lose another one to this disease!!!! Love , hugs encouragement. And support go out 2 u!!!!!

Hi. You just need to make an appointment to get a massage. And then when you can, get another one 2 weeks later. You should get a massage once a month, and you should also go on a 2 day vacation somewhere nice where there’s lots of NATURE… you could also get a hotel room for a couple nights to clear your head and have some time to yourself… or get a friend to go to a movie with. You’re definitely just going through a phase. I prayed to get cancer when I was like 9 because I felt like such a burden to my parents and I fought depression and anxiety and that stemmed from being loved wrong and neglected. I don’t know how old you are, or what your financial situation looks like, but all of these things can definitely help you, if you allow them to. Also congratulations on your internship, I’ll say a prayer for you, and if you’re ever feeling bold, and you believe in Christ and want to experience some healing and peace, you should google search the nearest Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, find what time it starts, and go. God bless you and your family.

A PS to my earlier suggestion of seeing a psychiatrist...my insurance also covers therapy 1x a wk 4 an hr just to talk. I found that very effective and really connect with her...i am also a female and I think it's a better connection for me. Good luck, and hugs 2 u!