I'm at a loss, I can't find therapy. Is it me?

Psychology Today has a therapist finder online with a blurb written by the therapist, and, usually a photo. You can message directly from the site. It is good to interview people first and many will do a free 15 minute consultation to see if it is a good fit.

Hi, Chris (@smugzs).

I have a teen son diagnosed with adhd and his dad has adhd and believe undiagnosed ASD. I’m also a childhood trauma survivor and have ptsd. My experience of triangulation with therapists as a child and my mother is similar and I have been blamed by family to have been all of the problem. A very sick and twisted abuse/neglect cycle that has affected my entire life. I am female and 55.

You are not alone in having trust issues and finding good therapists. I agree with @windyshores that it would be good to have a list of questions you ask up front before committing. It is so frustrating to unpack your life experience with someone only to have to start all over again with a new therapist. There are some therapists who have ptsd, adhd and asd and may be better able to relate with patients who also have similar life experience.

Don’t give up advocating for yourself and getting the help and support you need.

1 https://chadd.org/about-adhd/professionals-who-diagnose-and-treat-adhd/ and https://chadd.org/professional-directory/

2 https://www.specialstrong.com/the-best-therapy-for-adhd-and-autism-a-comprehensive-guide/

@smugzs Chris, sometimes it can take a few tries to find the therapist you « click with ». From what you have described it’s not you. The therapists you’ve described did not practice their own professional boundaries.

Here is the link for Psychology Today that is mentioned by @windyshores

— https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

I recommend that you do not go through online companies such as BetterHelp.com. I have read articles from peer-reviewed professional journals about betterhelp.com from both the point of view of the client and the therapist.

If you are comfortable with this, can you check in with your friends and ask if they have suggestions for a therapist? Or ask your primary care provider for a referral?

i had a therapist who was driving her car doing therapy. then a client mentioned at group she canceled on her and i said she did that to me. so the next meeting she said she was canceling our session to discuss my comment and told me every one of her clients came in and told her i said she cancelled on me( i should have mentioned she gave me therapy while driving. ) i once asked a psych nurse how it was working there. she said “ you have to be careful of the people there, and im not talking about the patients. most of the people working there are working on their own problems”. my latest therapist is really nice but he said “see you in a few weeks it’s great talking to you!” i thought he was supposed to help me with therapy.

I’m so sorry to hear about your trouble finding the right therapist that can help, with your ASD and PTSD! I sure can relate! I have yet to find a therapist who has been able to help my grandson, who had ADD as a child, now as an adult, ASD and PTSD! It is truly frustrating! He refuses to take his prescribed medicine, and is argumentative and surly much of the time! Even though I majored in Psychology in college, I haven’t been able to help him get on the right path, to improve his situation where he finds himself, with no college degree, no job, very few friends, and many times, confrontational and angty with family members! He’s been to see at least 5 different mental health professionals, in the last 6 years, and none have worked out, to give him the help he needs! Stubborn attitude is prevalent, and a know-it-all demeanor seems to be getting in his way, so that he can improve! I’m at my wit’s end ( so to speak ). I understand the frustration, when one sees help is needed, but nothing seems to be working out!! Good luck!

Thank you for the honest and open response to my post. I appreciate the resources you've offered, and I am going to check them out

That's so troubling. Obviously I can relate, it's so tough. Thank you for sharing this

For your grandson, the stubbornness, the argumentive and surly persona, not taking meds, refusing help... That's normal, and it's not up to the parent or grandparent to decide, necessarily, what is best for them, or what they need. No job, no degree, no friends, no perceived future? Yes, as a caretaker that hurts to see, especially when you feel like you've invested so much into their life. However, and believe me when I tell you this, it's so much harder for him, it's so much more difficult and agonizing to look in the mirror, realize that you're not living up to the expectations that others have placed on you. Imagine a life where you grew up being different than everyone around you.. Being judged for missing milestones that were designed for people that were nothing like you. Being called out in a classroom full of peers for being "disruptive" and "challenging" when, in fact, the rules weren't designed for someone with a mind like yours. How can such a person find a place in a world that wasn't designed for them? I understand your heart is in wanting the best for them, but your heart is misguided because it's not about you, it's about them... Your frustrations are real and understandable, but your grandson and his happiness is what is important, how you feel about their performance, though understandable, is nothing more than a stumbling block to him...why should he have to perform in a certain way to relieve your anxieties? Thank you for sharing, I hope this wasn't too harsh, I'm just trying to be real.

smugzs, Thank you for your realistic reply! What I didn’t tell you, is that I, also, had difficulties as a child with a different diagnosis, than my grandson! I walked funny, having childhood polio, I have had Ataxia, and poor balance, my entire life, and had been made fun of, by other children, and adults, when I was a child, due to a brain related, birth defect! I felt like my grandson feels now, that I was rejected by many peers and other people, and that they truly did not understand me. Even worse than all that, though, was that I was rejected by both of my parents! I was considered the so called ‘black sheep’ of the family, having 2 brothers, and 2 sisters! They were all relatively normal, to my parents. They each had rooms, of their own, and were treated well, by my parents! For me, though, it was the opposite! My parents physically beat me, and mentally abused me! My place was a blanket on the cold, hard, cement floor, of the basement! I had no room of my own. At the dinner table, if I spoke up, or complained about anything, I was sent to the basement, with no food! My brothers and sisters, on the other hand, could talk all they want! My parents wouldn’t buy me school clothes, once I reached 5th grade! I was made to work as a newspaper delivery boy, from a young age, to pay for my school clothes! I couldn’t take the beatings and mistreatments any more, when I was a junior in high school, so I left my parents home, staying with friends, or my older sister’s family ( she had gotten married in my sophomore year ). My parents never gave me a penny for college, and the one time I returned home, to see if they would co-sign a student loan for me, my Dad threw a fit, said no, catching me unawares, as I was standing by the basement steps, and pushed me violently, so that I lost my balance, and I fell down the stairs, onto the basement floor! Immediately, I felt a sharp pain in my right knee! My knee ballooned up to twice it’s size! I couldn’t get up! My Dad yelled at me, and said he hated me, and wish I had never been born! Then, when I was screaming in pain, telling my Dad and Mom, who had come down on the landing, that I needed help, to get up, and I needed to be taken to hospital, neithrr my Mom or Dad would come down snd helo me! My younger sister came down and told me she’d call my older married sister! So, about an hour later, my older sister came over and helped me crawl to her car, and she took me to hospital! My parents warned me, that if I complained to Docs at the hospital, that my Dad purposely hurt me, that they would kill me! Anyway, I was on crutches, at college, for that entire winter! I had 2 part time jobs, at the college, had gotten a Pell grant, and scholarship, and had rented a bedroom ( no kitchen priviledges ), from a widow, near the college campus! I put myself through 6 years, of college, with no financial help from my parents, other fsmily members, or friends! Now, I’m nearly 80 years old, suffering from an incurable neurodegenerative disease, and just trying to find a way, to help my beloved grandson! So, you mentioned reality! That was and this is my reality! So, no, your reply was not so harsh! Thanks for your special insightful reply!

It's not your fault—finding a therapist who truly understands and respects your needs can be really difficult, especially with all the barriers you’ve mentioned. Keep advocating for yourself and don’t give up. There are good therapists out there, even though it might take some time to find the right fit. You're not alone in this.