I would like to receive your help concerning my Brother in law

Hi Bob @unclebob83, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your sister. I'm sure just your being there to listen will be a big help. I'm not sure if you have searched for any resources but here are a few that might offer some suggestions on how you might be able to help your brother-in-law.

-- If They Refuse Your Help - What Not To Say Or Do:
https://www.familyaware.org/help-someone/help-an-adult/
-- Coping with a Life-Threatening Illness or Serious Health Event:
https://www.helpguide.org/wellness/health-conditions/coping-with-a-life-threatening-illness
-- This Is How to Support Someone Who Doesn-t Want Help:
https://orwfoundation.org/this-is-how-to-support-someone-who-doesn-t-want-help/
When are you planning to visit?

@unclebob83 Your description of this situation indicates to me that it is very sticky. Does your brother-in-law have any other health problems? Prior to the hip fracture was he active and his mood seemed OK to you? I'm asking this because I'm wondering if there are any other medical or health-related reasons for what you are now observing.

@johnbishop provided some very helpful links to resources. Most importantly in my view is how to approach this conversation and how to accept their responses. While you have their best interests in mind very often people become defensive and will offer a myriad of reasons why they have chosen the path that you observe. I have been through this very process with my mother and father, both now of blessed memory, and it was so, so difficult for me to accept their choices. At some point, finally, I accepted that I did everything I could but ultimately what happened was their choice.

Starting slowly with your brother-in-law with short walks, if he is able, sounds good. He is likely very debilitated from this time in the wheelchair so it may be that at first you don't encourage him for walks but rather standing up from his wheelchair with the use of a walker. He will likely appreciate your visits if these come without strong expectations.

I'll ask the same question as @johnbishop. When do you plan to visit?

Hello (@unclebob83) Bob,

I certainly appreciate and understand you wanting to help your sister. She is in a difficult place and in hard times, families usually pull together, and you are certainly doing that. I see a couple of things that you need to consider before you make this trip.

The first thing is that the only person you can change is the person you see when you look in the mirror. Without knowing his personality type, talking and expressing empathy might be a good plan, however, be aware that "confronting him" might make him more defensive. So, I would suggest that you confront with caution and care.

I'm also reminded of what airline personnel tell passengers about emergency situations and that is to "put on your oxygen mask first and then help others." It would be best to honor your own physical limitations first and then help as you can without becoming overly tired or distressed. When we become overly tired, our ability to help others is lessened.

Rather than trying to be the sole person responsible for helping your brother-in-law to change his attitude, you might check in with one of his trusted friends, clergy person or anyone outside the family that might be able to influence him adjust his attitude and make better decisions.

It would be wise to remind him of his wife's physical limitations, consider offering him suggestions to relieve her burden. Suggestions such as moving to a place where he and his wife might get more assistance or having outside help come into their home to relieve his wife of the sole responsibility for his physical needs. It might help him to see that you are not trying to change him but helping him to see his situation from his wife's perspective.

I wish you all the best as you make this trip. Remembering to keep your expectations in line with his reality. Will you post again with an update as it is convenient?

Thank you so much for the info!
I’ve been in AA NA and Al anon since ‘86 and “Tough Love” principals are ingrained in me.
I just believe I need to make an attempt to help him.
The trip is up in the air right now and winter is coming and they live up North so it might be spring. Im going to study all the info like your’s and monitor the situation and if things take a turn for the worst I’ll fly up there.
Once again thank you so much for responding!

Good morning Bob @unclebob83 - Our friend John gave you some great resources, and having recently dealt with the same situation with my "best cousin" and a few years ago with my sister, maybe I can add a few ideas?

First, make sure your sister is OK with your idea of pushing him, and will continue the effort once you leave. Both my brother-in-law and my cousin's partner would rather be full-time caregivers than "the bad guy" pushing their loved one. If you do spend weeks getting him moving, only to have your sister let him backslide, you may resent both of them.

If she is not on board with your idea, you can still be of tremendous help to her, if you visit with the idea of providing her with company & respite (maybe she can take a few days to visit a friend or her kids?) and taking care of all the little stuff that falls by the wayside during full-time caregiving. Think neglected chores like defrosting the freezer, deep cleaning, minor repairs. And you will get a first hand look at exactly what is going on - maybe there is more going on like cognitive impairment, prostate issues, etc.

It may also become apparent that BOTH of them need more help or a more supportive living situation. Sometimes when a caregiver is barely getting by themselves, they don' have the energy to do more than just make it through the day. If so, maybe you can help your sister figure out what to do next.

Finally, make sure they both have their paperwork in place - Advanced Directives, Powers of Attorney, Wills, etc, so they are prepared for a health crisis for either of them.

It is great that you are going to help out. If for no other reason than to provide some support.

Thank you so much!
I really want to be prepared for this and not screw it up.
Just be kind and gently try to motivate him by showing him I did it and so can he.
He really has to be miserable living this way and hopefully he will feel comfortable in sharing that with me and together we can move forward.
Thanks again!

Yes.

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

He was very active before the breaking his hip’s

Thank you!