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I want life to end and don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday I have persistent thoughts questioning why I have to continue living. I'm a 27 year old woman, I live in a big city, I have a cool job, I have some friends but most live far away. I try to be grateful for what I have but seeing others live such fulfilling lives makes me want mine to end. It seems like I'm always the only co-worker with zero weekend plans ever. I genuinely don't understand how everyone seems to have so much to do. I try to befriend my coworkers but they have enough close friends. I've tried to go out to art classes or groups on the weekend and most of the time came home in tears. I don't date and never have even though it was my dream to have a family one day. My brain tells me they would just leave such a boring gross person like me.
I've tried multiple therapists and counselling for nearly 6 years now, I'm also on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I've seen no difference and if anything the thoughts of wanting to die are more persistent like it's what I'm supposed to do. I cannot stand being alive. The only reason I don't end it is because I'm scared of becoming permanently injured instead of dying. I self harm constantly, especially if I do something embarrassing or mess up.
The thing is, I don't understand how to change this and honestly I don't know if I even want to. I've thought about applying for medically assisted death if I ever could be eligible. I just keep showing up to work so I don't lose my apartment. Most days I get home and cry, self harm, and try to find some way to end this.
At the same time I wish I had a reason to live or something to hold on to but simply don't. I don't have any family, no real close friends, I don't enjoy anything because everything I would enjoy seems out of reach.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? Does it get better or should I just not bother?
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Hi,
I totally understand and have been there, wondering what my worth is, you are worthy of all things, depression and anxiety are so hard to live with, I use meditation, I go for walks, you have reason for living, you are a beautiful person, inside and out, look In the mirror, tell yourself, I am beautiful, I am enough, I deserve life and love. It makes me truly sad to see how you feel, this is a cruel world, don't get caught in others life and how they live or what they do. I read my Bible when I get terrible thoughts and nothing makes me feel better than the word of God. He is with you, through good and bad seasons of life. I am here for you. Love your life.
The other people you are looking at do not have perfect lives. Also, to me, you lack faith. Do you have a church/synagogue/etc., that you belong to? Spiritual belonging can provide hope, close friends, and deep love. Do you live in a place with little sunshine? I've read that people who live in places with less sunshine are through no fault of their own more depressed.
@papersoup thanks for sharing your very real feelings with us. That sounds so hard. Unfortunately many of us have been there, and it’s not easy. I’d encourage you to remember that nothing is forever. Try to make it through just one day, one hour, one minute. Is there just one thing you can do today where you can feel 1% less bad? Like is there a coffee shop you could sit in and enjoy the smell while you had a nice warm cup? Maybe you could buy a small plant and enjoy watching it grow? Do you have a new episode of a favorite show where you could get cozy with a bowl of popcorn? It sounds a little silly, but the more you can turn away from harming yourself, towards caring for yourself, the more the misery will fade.
If you haven’t already communicated the depth of your suffering to your docs, I would encourage you to do so as early as you can. There are non-medication treatments too; different types of therapy, TMS, or newer types of meds like ketamine.
Please do not give up hope. You can get through this.
Hi, @papersoup - welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, a safe place where you can talk - even about the tough stuff.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. We understand how difficult it can be to not feel you have people close to you or have a reason to live. It’s important to know you are not alone.
I’m tagging @audriana @davej @jane2022 @jimhd @abida @gingerw, who have discussed similar issues and may be able to provide some support.
If at any point you start to feel like you may consider hurting yourself, please call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/) for immediate help.
Call or text: 988
Chat & text: https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Your safety is the most important thing to us.