I Have Trouble NOT Expressing Every Criticism I Have SELF-RIGHTEOUS

Hello @SusanEllen66 “OMG…did I just say that out loud?” Haha I get it. It’s been a lifelong challenge to find a filter for me, my daughter, my mom, sister…
It takes practice and mindfulness to know when and where to actually add our two cents worth to a conversation.

I’m by no means an expert and I still have many cringeworthy moments but the classic…’Think before you speak” is still the best practice.

If we can’t really offer anything constructive except our own need to be right, then we maybe shouldn’t say anything at all. “. That’s where the practiced, smile and nod, technique comes into play. ☺️
I’m also a prolific writer when I see things that really trip my trigger. However, I don’t send the letters! It’s my way of getting the angry or troublesome thoughts out of my head. The negative thoughts are like a sliver under the skin, if not removed it sits and festers! Once the thoughts are purged, I feel so much better and then the thoughts just disappear and I can move on.

So I might suggest that too instead of writing and sending your letters…just write them but don’t hit ‘send’ if it’s an email. I intentionally don’t put in the address so I can’t accidentally send it!

I admire you for admitting that you realize you’re coming across as self-righteous with your opinions and comments. That you also realize this may be a problem. It is difficult to keep things bottled up when we see an issue that ‘we feel’ needs addressing. But as humans we have the ability for self introspection to make changes to our behavior.

I did find some interesting and somewhat revealing articles about learning and practicing social/communication skills. The first one is rudimentary for parents teaching kids social skills. Starts with the basics!

10 effective ways to improve communication skills. https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-improve-verbal-communication-skills

Youch…this one is interesting!! At least a good place to start for self reflection…
20 Traits of People That Have No Verbal Filter

I’m sure other members will write in with their suggestions. It will be fun to see this discussion develop. Haha, and then try not to make comments in response!! 😂
Have you always been a perfectionist?

@loribmt Hi Lori, I am going to answer your last question first because I believe it is the most telling.
My mother, her brother and their mother (my grandmother) were all very critical and very opinionated. This trio was responsible for teaching me, by example and experience to nitpick everything.
I was criticized as a small child for coloring a picture and putting the colors pink and yellow next to each other! That was almost 70 years ago and I still remember Mom telling me that! She was critical and judgmental about the neighbors and how they put their trash cans out…
My uncle complained all the time. He would write letters of complaint to companies on a regular basis.
You get the point I’m sure. This is what I grew up with and it seem like the older I get, the worse I have become.
I can be very rude. I don’t try to be but I know that is how I come across sometimes. I totally dislike that about myself. I’m a Christian and I know who to turn to for help. But, I’m human too so I fail miserably at times.

I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar II. I suspect that these disorders are contributing significantly to my open mouth stick foot in issues.
Oh, and Mild Cognitive Impairment is the icing on my cake!
Lori, thank you for your kind, thoughtful and generous response. I really would appreciate hearing from you again! 🙃

Good morning, SusanEllen. Our childhood’s can surely make us or break us! Reminds me of the old joke about a Freudian slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother. ☺️
We’re shaped by the people around us even as adults. If we’re in an office setting or anywhere, we’re influenced by the company we keep. Years ago there was a new coworker who changed the flavor of the office where I worked, reducing it to a gossipy, unpleasant surrounding. It took even the strongest of us down to the nasty person’s basic level. We made changes and brought the positive aura back again…harmony was restored.

I use that as an example that we can go through personality changes and that we can rise above our thoughts when we realize that we’re not happy with our current pattern. We are not our thoughts! ☺️

In your heart, you’re truly not a rude person. Even well meaning people can come across this way unintentionally. It sounds like you grew up forming your conversational skills with a family unit who was acerbic and rude. That becomes the norm for behavior. But you’re realizing that’s not how you want to be.
I know you can make these changes! It will take baby steps but you’re already conscious of the fact that you want to be a ‘kinder, gentler’ version of yourself. But keep the moxie! Hehe.

Try looking online or at the library for self help books for conversational skills. There are videos on Youtube. And like I mentioned yesterday , “Think before you speak” is such an easy way to not put a foot into the mouth…and for sure that isn’t easy!! I often have things to say and swear there are bite marks on my tongue.
But I think if you take this slowly you can make little changes to start feeling happier and more satisfied with the way you talk with people. Try little things like smiling more, doing random acts of kindness, giving positive affirmations to yourself and others.
When you see something that bothers you, try to let it go instead of commenting. (Aside of abuse to a person, animal, etc.) Try internalizing the conversation instead of saying your response out loud. Maybe roll play in your head to see what it would feel like if you were the one on the receiving end of what you’re about to say to someone else.

You are a really sweet person from what I’m reading, I think it’s time to let the real you shine. And for heaven’s sake, get yourself a box of crayons and put the pink and yellow next to each other!!! That’s one of my favorite color combos!!
Hugs!

I identify with what you say - but in a very different way.

In my family, there were no secrets (well, almost none) about what was going on with each member. When I married, it was to a family that shared little/nothing - there were secrets everywhere. We had many discussions about what to share and with whom, and I thought I had learned.
After 50+ years, I just found out this week that I might still be sharing more than some of my family are comfortable with... So, now I get to contemplate how to tame my gregarious nature even more. Hard for this old dog to learn new tricks, but I'll try if it makes my husband and kids more comfortable.
Sue

@sueinmn hi Sue, oh my I’ve had the opposite experience. Similar to what you described about your in-laws. My family was the secretive one. Very careful about what we shared with each other and especially careful sharing with outsiders.
We didn’t express our feelings or ask questions as children because we would be ignored.
Then, I married into a more “normal” lifestyle and felt very uncomfortable with the idea of the in-laws knowing our business. That marriage didn’t survive for other reasons.
Then, the marriage into a family with no emotional borders! Everything, and I mean everything was shared, debated, decided by the patriarch of the family. Emotional wreckage was everywhere and I couldn’t believe how a wife and grown children would “let” the man run everything for them. They couldn’t pick a color out for a wall in their own own house because they were not taught to make their own decisions. They had to check with daddy.
My husband was under his father’s watch. I felt betrayed and frustrated. I refused to buy into the “daddy will do it” mentality. I rebelled and was therefore called the American. (they were 3rd generation from Europe)
My husband is a wonderful person, but the marriage was incredibly difficult for me. After 21 years we divorced.

I rebelled against those families because they were not like mine and I was not able to accept them and make the adjustment. I applaud you for your courage and your willingness to do what I was not able to do.

Blessings!

@loribmt I have to leave and get my groceries, but I need to stop and tell you that yesterday was my Mom’s Birthday. In honor of the occasion I painted a picture of pink and yellow flowers behind a window looking in!

Also, the word acerbic is not in my vocabulary and so I looked it up. Perfect!

Groceries are calling!