I don't know why I did that

We learn as we go. Many of our reactions are of the reflex nature, done without thought. It isn't easy to unlearn them. But you're right. They don't know why they do many things. It's okay to ask, but pointless to chastise. I do all the cooking, but my wife loves to rearrange the drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and pantry items. I cannot find what I need and she doesn't remember where she put things. It's her compulsion. I get upset, but she can't help it. I rearrange things myself when I need to. It isn't easy (but it isn't easy on them either). I'm trying to learn to be less reactive but have a ways to go.

I recall searching everywhere for my cousin’s missing tv cable box. She had no idea what happened to it, which was odd since she kept the tv on all the time. I finally found it in the kitchen cupboard! She denied putting it there. I knew she had no memory of doing it. She was upset that people were messing with her things…..but there was no one but her there.

Everyone is different, but I have observed similar behavior with multiple families who provide care for their affected loved ones.

When family members search for ways to get a loved one to understand, accept something or agree to do something, I don’t think they realize how doing that might not really matter. For some persons with dementia, it’s likely more realistic to prepare for daily discord, agitation and resistance. This is what the public doesn’t realize. A huge factor in managing the care of a person with dementia is discord, because things don’t seem right and they can’t settle down with it. Sometimes, minute by minute of making things right is the best you can do. There is little peace within them and therefore little peace for those around them.

I have shared a few posts since joining this group. My husband is highly functional on daily activities. It's just the constant repetition of conversation and not remembering we just spoke about something. He is aware of his MCI.
I just pick and choose conversations. I just treat him with respect and compliment him for helping me or doing a task. They have not asked for this unfortunate disease. Also, the Serenity prayer works for me. Hope this helps other caregivers.

My husband is what I would call highly functional as well. He relishes doing tasks around the house, getting me books from the library, and visiting his favorite coffee shop. I know I have it easy compared to many but the endless difficulty of dealing with his decline is really hard. If I described his annoying behavior, it would seem like not much, but for me to endure it day after day is maddening. I work very hard to be understanding, patient, tolerant, and kind. I used to get angry at him for things he'd do but I no longer do that. I just let things be what they are. But the stress is wearing me down. I've been recently diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm and told to avoid stress. Good luck with that. I worry about what's coming, how we'll cope, whether our money will hold out. My husband is a good person, affectionate and kind. He's a retired university librarian and he was a beloved figure on campus. It's so sad to see him telling the stories of his own life over and over, often to the same people he's told before. He can't find words or remember names of people he's known a long time. A classic case you might say. There is no solution beyond talking about what our life has become and sharing with others who really understand.

I've had similar issues with my cousin before she moved into memory care. I used to get so frustrated, and then I stopped getting frustrated and would take a deep breath and remember, to accept the things I cannot change and only deal with the things I can change. With a friend who I speak with on the phone repeatedly tells me I'm 92 years old, I'm a war veteran, over and over and over again, and I would say I know, but it didn't stop him (we've been friends for 35+years). I started telling him I'm a lawyer, I'm 82 years old, every time he told me, and amazingly he stopped telling me he is 92 and a war veteran. With my cousin who would call 15 times in a half hour asking the same questions, for the first 5 calls I would answer and try to calm her down, but then I stopped answering the calls and let my machine listen to the questions, over and over and over again. Taking a deep breath worked for me and a silent prayer for all of us.

I recall a conversation with my cousin after she had asked me the same question at least 20 times in a short time period. I asked her if she remembered how often she had repeated the question and she was surprised and said no. I said okay…I won’t comment on how many times you repeat the same questions anymore and I didn’t. From that day on I answered her each time as it was the first or I diverted her attention to a different topic. My mom has trouble with this with my dad. She can’t resist telling my dad that she has already told him something 3 times. She knows better, but can’t seem to stop with these comments. It annoys me more than my dad’s repetitive questions. When I kindly remind her she’s doing it, she gets annoyed with me. Sigh…

None of us caring for people with dementia are going to be perfect. We are going to yell about something before we think and we're going to hate ourselves for doing it. When my stress level is high, that's when I have to be really careful not to react that way, and I'm not always successful. Maybe one of the few positive aspects of my husband's dementia is that he doesn't seem to remember it by the next day or even later the same day. And I do think I'm getting better about keeping my cool. Practice makes perfect, as the saying goes, and we're all getting plenty of practice. Unfortunately.

We learn to use their forgetfulness to our benefit sometimes. When I'm sharp with my husband, he's forgotten about it a minute later. I can reprimand myself, recover my composure, and return to being kind.

My husband cleans up the kitchen after dinner and he does a great job- but he puts all the dishes away in different places all the time. At first it drove me crazy but now I just laugh and am thankful he can still do it. I usually cook dinner but the other night he decided to make spaghetti but when we sat down to eat dinner , the spaghetti sauce was cold - he forgot to turn the burner on and didn’t realize it wasn’t hot! Though I feel like crying that this is happening to my wonderful husband - I realize it’s better to see the humor than get mad. It’s not always easy though.

I can relate to all of the above and I have a question. There's an elephant in our house. It takes up a lot of space but my husband with dementia and I ignore it. He searches for lost words and I supply them. He repeats the same stories endlessly. He depends on me for more and more things: making doctors' appointments, driving him to those appointments, telling it's okay when he informs me he's going outside for the hundredth time in an hour. (An exaggeration but not much.) My question is this: Should I bring up the subject of dementia with him? Should we have a conversation about what's happening and what's going to happen? I've been diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm and am now worried that I might not outlive him, which would be unfortunate to say the least. We're each other's power of attorney and I would like to name someone else to be mine or to take his place when he's truly incompetent to make decisions. I don't want to hurt his feelings or frighten him, but ignoring this elephant is not helping. I want to reassure him that I'll be with him through whatever comes but doing that would mean acknowledging something I'm not sure he's really accepted. He's seeing a neurologist on Friday and I'd like to talk to the doctor about this but hesitate to ask for some time alone with her. I think my husband would feel bad if I did that. How have others handled this? I'd appreciate any advice.