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I am the wife of someone with bpd and need some answers

Posted by @mmstump in Mental Health, Aug 11, 2011

My husband was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and ahdh. At the moment we are separated because he is so controlling and constantly starts fights with me about everything! I love my husband and I know he loves me we just dont know where to go from here and how or if we can live a normal life together. I guess I just cant relate to his feelings and see him as selfish, manipulative, and controlling. It seems like we can never have a happy moment. He even hates when I mention my family and gets very jealous. His mood can change in a second. I am looking for people who can relate and give me some kind of hope because Im not sure what to do from here. I cant make him get help no matter how many times I call the dr or schedule appointments.

Tags: mental health

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Posted by @sreynolds, Aug 16, 2011

Thankfully over the last couple of decades there has been some great work done for people with BPD and their family members.. One really good resource is DBT - dialectical behavior therapy - basically it combines cognitive therapy with some mindfulness practices - being present to the moment..

There are workbooks that you can pick up at Amazon and books for family members as well. There is one ok called - walking on eggshells that is helpful for family members as well.


Posted by @mmstump, Aug 16, 2011

thanks for the help! 🙂 ill be sure to try and find that book!


Posted by @cookie304, Sep 12, 2011

I completly disagree that theyve come a long way dealing with BPD. The great majority of Drs wont even deal with it because they cant do anything about it.They put the person on meds and for a short time the person might or might not take them.If they do take them they eventually delude themselves that they are 'well' and go off said meds on there own.Then theyre back to b4 square 1. Ten yrs ago I left a long term marriage...he had been diagnosed bipolar but went off his meds whenever he felt like it.He was physically abusive to me and our grown kids.....had young girlfriends calling the house night and 'orders' were to treat them good. I finally divorced him but didnt realize his evilness would turn 2 outa 3 of our grown kids against me with his obsessive lies.I lost 2 kids and 4 grandchildren to the evil of this person. My advice is to leave and NEVER look back.No matter what you lose you gain so much back.I'm once again ME! and I like ME!


Posted by @mmstump, Sep 17, 2011

im so sorry to hear about your story! i will keep you in my prayers and hope things for you and your family can change. best of luck to you!


Posted by @leelee789, Oct 1, 2011

I will look that up. My husband is far gone at he moment his mind. He has been drinking too much (not usual) and won't be reasonable. He is crazy right now!! I am at my wits end. He wants a divorce.


Posted by @leelee789, Oct 2, 2011

He has BPD for sure.


Posted by @beach5, Aug 17, 2011

Your story reads like mine at the moment. We were married for 11 years, together for 14. In all that time, I thought he was just a controlling person and tried to live a life surrounding him and not provoking an argument... It t work too well though. I lost my self as a person, my self esteem and my personality. Now we are separated and I have a restraining order to protect our family from him. His sons have shut me out of the process of getting him help and I feel lost. My therapist is working w me to regain my strength and self worth. I strongly suggest you speak to someone whether it is a therapist, pastor or family Dr who understands mental illness. I am learning that it is the illness that is controlling, angry and unwilling to be treated, not my husband. He is the victim. At present, my belief is that you take care of yourself so that WHEN he asks for help you will be strong. Good luck, I am here for you

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Posted by @mmstump, Sep 17, 2011

thank you for the advice! I too have lost myself. I just recently got the book "stop walking on eggshells.." and it has helped a lot. I realize that I need to get my life in order and work on me. After coming home drunk the other night and i called the police he has finally agreed to get help. He went to a group counseling session today and started taking his meds again. I have a new scares me because my hopes usually get shot down, but i will try to stay positive!


Posted by @docforeman, Aug 18, 2011

Sounds tough. You might want to check out this website (with resources for family members) . It has a lot of great content about effective treatment, and state of the art treatment and research findings. Best of luck.


Posted by @leelee789, Aug 19, 2011

Thanks. I can't help him if he wants no help. I will have to leave him and let him have his misery.


Posted by @mmstump, Sep 17, 2011

thank you so much for the advice and best wishes!

Posted by Anonymous-c9dd328f, Oct 4, 2011

you could be my daughter in law, she could have written the exact same story, she gave up finally last fall, after never really understanding the illness, I could not really blame her, the children went thru Hell, my son died this past July, I can hardly breathe, for 20 years I tried to help him, get him help, be there in this illness, all the doctors said he was a grown man, had to do it on his own, I could write a book, the 20 year travels of a borderline mom, never give up, read and read and read and read some more, a wife can help, a mom can not.........


Posted by @newdeb10, Oct 18, 2011

You almost made me cry, except I am at the library. My adult daughter (27) who I believe has BPD Has had her 2 children taken by the state. My heart is broken, I have begged, pleaded, demanded her to do all the things she needs to do to get them back. She is a drug addict currently on a low dose of Methadone. The judge wants her off of it. Every time she goes off of it she returns to using illlegal drugs. She sleeps all day, gets nothing done, is sick all the time, acts as if she worked all day if she just makes two phone calls. She is supposed to be in counseling, she went one time and never makes another appt. I am so sorry about your son, it is every Mom's biggest fear.


Posted by @needadvice, Nov 14, 2011

so similar to my daughter


Posted by @needadvice, Nov 12, 2011

My daughter is 29 has 2 children that live with my husband and me. She is not treating her borderline per dis. I can't take it much longer. She treats us all terrible


Posted by @needadvice, Nov 12, 2011

how do I convience her she needs help? I am looking to talk to someone professionally that has knowledge of the disease

Posted by Anonymous-df411554, Jan 20, 2012

Hello Fellow Sufferer. I too am the Wife of someone with BPD. I just figured this fact out on my own, after being Friends with this person for 31 years and being married to him for 15 years. Frankly I am surprised how thrilled I am to finally just figure out why a man who loved the ground I walked on and begged me to marry him SUDDENLY wants nothing to do with me. I didn't discover that he had suffered from Child Abuse until years after I married him. He refuses to talk about the details of that apparent Nightmare. His Mother has given me some details about it. This life event is surely the reason for his current affliction. He deserted his first wife and two kids after a few years of marriage. We live together as friends, roommates only. I have no idea if he is having an affair or not. I believe my "cards on the table" attitude pushed him over the edge. He does not seem able to address his past abuse or his current condition. He is emotionally abusive but I don't know if it's intentional or not. His thinking is not typical and his points of view are far from the norms set by society. This makes it impossible to reason with this man. When he finally revealed his true self to me about 3 years ago, I realized I never really knew the "real" him. I still love him but I have no idea if our marriage will survive. I had to dis-connect from him emotionally in order to save myself. My reality is not as painful as it was before. Marriage is supposed to be for better OR for worse. I'm bracing myself because I'm not sure if I've seen the worse or if things will get EVEN Worse!! So far I haven't given up. I decided to take things 6 months at a time while concentrating on self improvement. He still treats me with some kindness and that's all I have to hold onto. It's good to find others who are going through the same nightmare to gain much needed support!! At least we have each other. Have a Blessed Day.


Posted by @sativa, Feb 21, 2012

please help me understand this illness. my boy friend of 3 yrs has all the s/s of BPD. its frustrating he doesnt trust not allowed to go anywhere working even poses a problem because in his mind im not at work and if i am im being dishonest. we are currently seperated due to his alcohol abuse and staying out drinking til 3 -4 in the am...i could go on for days all that he does i try to reassure him that im not doing anything but nothing seems to help...can anyone please give me any advise on what to do to make things better


Posted by @kturd, Apr 4, 2012

wow your story sounds like mine..i am relieved to know that people out there are going through the same thing....always questioning me but doing whatever he wants..i obviously love him and i am worried for him. i will say that its a selfish condition and it seems no matter what you do, you are always cheating, trying to get away with something or have a motive...this is normal? life has been fun and interesting at the same time...thank you

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