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I am reading book on adult child estrangement and
have made a realization already.
It seems that on all holidays, birthdays, etc. I would always send a card or drop a message. I see that doing that means that she always knows about me but doesn't recipicate etc.
I have decided to stop reaching out since it hurts me too much. March 16th will be her 48th birthday. I'm tired. I feel I have tried and tried and it is time to let it go because every time I send something I am reminded and it hurts, and on my birthday, mothers day, christmas, etc., not hearing from her also hurts.
Hubby and I are going to plan to do something on that day to keep my mind off of it.....casino, movie & dinner, something.
Hubby and I talked and he confirms that it is only hurting me, and after discussion about some of what I read in book, I am being masochistic to myself. As he pointed out, when he let her know that I was in the hospital she never responded to him.
I can love her but I don't need to be abused by this. I am also changing my will. No reason she should benefit from someone she evidently wants nothing to do with. Lawyer said to leave her a "token" so she can't claim she was accidentally left out, along with a clause that says anyone who contests my will will get nothing.
Evidently he has seen this estrangement by adult children before and they usually come out of the woodwork when they know there is $$$ involved. He did say that the estranged adults, while glad of their inheritance, really didn't seem to care about the person who passed.
Well, will see how her birthday and Easter go for me and keep on going. Life at 78 is too short to continue the pain of dealing with this though I know I will have up and down days
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in reply to @kartwk I can only imagine. However, I am estranged from one of my sisters who decided she wanted nothing to do with me when I began showing signs of an illness. "My life coach on line told me to tell you I can only discuss recipes with you and nothing else." This year was the first year in five that I did not send her a birthday card because she did not invite me to her daughter's wedding in September. A few nights ago I started writing her a letter using AI to get me started, and as I read it, I thought, "this is so not me, I am not even going to put forth the effort."
While I was not estranged from my own mother, I knew from the moment I could remember, that she hated me, and she made no secret of this during my entire life. I can remember her lamenting how depressed she was after I was born, and how I was essentially handed off to all the women in the neighborhood after my birth. It's no wonder we never "bonded." And I really wanted a real "mom." Instead I began calling the mothers of my friends, "mom" and this made a huge difference until my mother heard me, and then all hell broke loose.
I am so sorry to hear your story, it really does resonate with me. Enjoy yourself while you are still able to do so. If there is one thing I did learn from my mother it was, "make every minute count," something I only realized and began saying as a sort of mantra after I got "sick." Afterall, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died six weeks later, which was a good thing because I knew she did not want her daughters to wind up taking care of her as she did for my father when she took care of him for 18 months before he died of leukemia. I have a vivid memory of the time when she asked her doctor how much time she had left, and he said at best 6 months. Her response was, "well, I could step off a curb and get hit by a bus tomorrow......"
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2 ReactionsWell, actually what the lawyer said is he has yet to meet an estranged child that wanted to pass up on his/her inheritance. The first question was always: how much. And if there were other brothers and sisters wanted to make certain estranged child got HIS/HER fair share.
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1 ReactionBeing left out of a family wedding is something that hurts, especially when you find out from someone else or after it took place.
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1 ReactionI'll say. I had to search online to find the venue where the wedding took place just to see what my niece and her husband look like. While I was offended, I knew that my sister had poisoned my niece's mind, and figure this is their loss and not mine, even though I felt hurt.
Well, the will is taken care of. Should anything change with her I can always change it. I see no reason that a adult that estranges herself from her Mother should benefit at the Mother's death.