How to handle when spouse has cancer, is in pain and isn’t active?

I'm so sorry to hear that. There's no easy answer, but it is important to set aside time to take care of yourself and to let friends and family take care of you.

When spouses become caregivers, they often neglect themselves ("I'm not the one with cancer"), but that's a big mistake. No matter how bad things are, taking care of yourself helps both of you, because you'll have more energy and be able to be more present.

If you set aside a couple of hours every day to go out with friends, take a book to the park and read, or even visit a spa, you're not being a baf person; just the opposite.

Best wishes at a tough time.

Contact his doctor to get the pain under control. No one should have to endure pain. There are medications and other things to help.

I know I should but I just don’t have the time everything is on my shoulders. Our family and friends have decided to ghost us. Even our pastor and his wife. My spouse he tries but then what happens he ends up in bed. We have one relative that calls but only to tell him about her problems and how can he help her? I told my spouse she has plenty of money so why doesn’t she just call an attorney or someone else to help her? She probably would stop calling if we asked for any help. Someone’s at your door.Thank you God bless everyone.

@argues It sounds like you're carrying a burdensome load. I've wondered if sometimes friends and family distance themselves when a cancer diagnosis is involved due to not knowing what to say, protecting themselves from the concern of seeing or hearing of a decline, or fear of their own mortality. So it might not be so much ghosting as it is anxiety on their part. Have you attempted to initiate a conversation with an old friend and inviting them over for an afternoon of light conversation as a diversion?

As for people unburdening their issues when we're going through our own hard times, I've also wondered if they do so in order to make it seem like "oh, you think you have problems, you'll feel better when you hear mine!". Or that they simply are oblivious to the suffering others may be going through. I found I recently had to say to someone - after listening to their health woes - that I'm sorry to hear they're going through that, they might not be aware that I'm also dealing with a health issue and that these days I need to maintain focus and strength, I regret I'm not equipped to handle the nature of her issues but I'd love to discuss light hearted topics and I'd enjoy keeping our conversations along that path going forward. I then directed the discussion to a good book I read. Perhaps that's a tactic you could try.

As for alternative means of support, there are two I can think of: https://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ that may have a facility in your general area or offer online services. Also: .
https://letsreimagine.org/experiences/upcoming-events The latter has a sliding scale event coming up on the 22nd (free to a small donation of your choice) on Making Connections.
Do you think either of these would be of help or interest to you?

That is awful, especially that your church community abandoned you. Still, even little breaks can make a difference. When I was in hospital for 3 1/2 months back in 2021-22, and my spouse was working a full-time job and then going back and forth to the hospital almost all her waking hours, I asked her to take every Saturday morning entirely for herself. I wouldn't call her (unless it was an emergency), text her, or expect a visit. That way, when she got up on Saturday morning, she knew that she could have that time not to think about cancer, but just to do normal things like lying on the couch with the cat doing the NYT crossword puzzle. If you can carve out *something* for yourself, it will help (but I don't want to diminish how difficult that is).

I am so sorry for your troubles. It’s so stressful to be the caretaker of a loved ones and then watch them experiencing depression and or sadness. I try not to match his mood. I have reached out to a few friends who have gone through this previously and they seem to understand better than others. I ask them how they coped. I have learned to let go of my perfectionism, for example the laundry doesn’t get separated but it does get done. Sometimes it stays in the dryer for a day or two!! I try to appreciate the small things. I also get up early before my spouse and walk or workout. Finding joy in the small things like the blue sky or the new Spring flowers blooming. Take care and let us know how you are coping.

My husband has had a few days like that and I know more are coming. I guess I'm an ostrich right now. If I don't think about it, it won't happen.

That's fully understandable. There's another side you can break through to where you both *do* think and talk about it, let yourselves experience the emotional pain (which might not be as bad as what you fear), and then find peace and learn to live with the new situation, but that's a tough transition, and you can't force it right away.

Best of luck in a difficult situation.

It's a difficult situation because the cancer is slow growing. We don't know if the pain he is experiencing is cancer or the abdominal wall due to his ileostomy. Fortunately, Tylenol is helping with the pain. Day by day for both of us.

My situation is different, but I understand a bit of that. Because the prostate cancer compressed my spine and permanently damaged the nerves, I have weird pains (or lack of sensation) all over, and find it almost impossible to know what's normal and what's not, so I probably wouldn't recognise pain from a new tumour if it started growing.

That said, with prostate cancer we have the benefit of PSA as a strong marker (especially with the ultrasensitive test), so when that's combined with periodic medical imaging and other blood work I can be reasonably confident (never 100%, of course) that my cancer is staying dormant and not progressing yet.

For pain management, I tried many things without success, but eventually ended up on Pregabalin, which is very effective for reducing nerve pain like mine; however, it also reduced my already-damaged sensation in the area where I'd been paralysed, so with my doctor's consent, I titrated off it gradually (there were a few false starts, but I finally stopped completely after about 18 months). In the end, I preferred feeling my legs, feet, and abdomen a little more to being pain-free and numb, but that's a very personal choice, and everyone will respond differently. I still take a Tylenol to help me sleep when the pain is elevated, but most nights I manage without.