How do I grieve an estranged family member?

I want to join the estrangement group

shardin10, I can't imagine that kind of pain. I am so sorry. Are you near a church that had meetings called "Grief Share"? They are phenomenal if you think the timing is right for you to attend a group like this. People talk out their hurt, loneliness, anger, etc., I am praying for you right now and again I am so sorry that you are hurting. Blessings.....

Family estrangements are common, though that doesn't make each individual estrangement unimaginably painful. My brother became estranged from my parents and me twenty years ago, and did not speak to my now-deceased parents or me again. I was my parents caregiver for 12 years, and following their deaths contacted my brother via email to let him know he was included as part of the estate settlement. I sent him the details regarding the disbursements. Once he had the money, the door closed shut again and I haven't heard from him in two years.

Here is some advice I found useful about toxic estrangements. " I give them a funeral. To be more precise I give the relationship a funeral to get closure and move on...I do it by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five steps of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. "

It seems that we are in the same boat I have a son who has never appreciated any efforts made by us his parents I don’t grieve over it one needs to move on it’s always for the best to accept people even the near and dear ones as they are wish them well but focus on yourself and your husband or on relatives who care for you if you were not included in her funeral it’s okay just pray for her but to take it personally will just depress you further if your son doesn’t care about you it shouldn’t matter you did your best if that is not good enough for him you are not at fault in my opinion you need to focus on your own self

I would send a card with a personal note expressing your sympathy and love...good luck !

Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky. I've found this in my own family. A question--do you want to grieve your estranged daughter-in-law on a personal or social/ritual level? If the second, you might follow your usual customs/beliefs--prayer, giving charity, burning a candle--whatever usually gives you comfort. This wouldn't be too personal but just a ritual you might follow for anyone. If you want to remember her in a more individual way, then the added grief of estrangement comes in and you might want the support of a grief group (most funeral parlors have them and can refer to counseling) or to talk to a clergy person or counselor. I personally feel grief affirms our relationship to the deceased while having to let go as that relationship has now changed. I wish you all the best. As others have said here, you can still take care of yourself and family you are connected to.

I am estranged from my daughter and, in that estrangement, then I am also estranged from my only two granddaughters [twins], so it makes it additionally hard. I have sought counseling and I know that I need to accept it and move on, but when you don't know what happened to cause the estrangement, I am finding this nearly impossible. I have worked for years to reconnect with my daughter, but to no avail. We were very close and I was extremely close to my granddaughters. I just don't understand why she won't tell me what changed, what happened, to cause the estrangement. There was a stupid incident with her husband, which should not be causing this, but I have never been invited back to their home since. The girls were in grade school and they just turned 18. It breaks my heart and I don't know how to heal. My counselor thinks it may be a control issue by my son-in-law, even bordering on abuse of my daughter, and that tears me up to even think of her going through that when I can't help her. Again, I know I should move on, but she is my only child and the girls are my only grandchildren, so how do you give up on people you love so much? It is beyond my comprehension.
P

Wow. I understand your pain. My son went no contact 5 years ago.
I can’t see my grandson or granddaughter. His wife died suddenly a few weeks ago. I know you are hurting.
I don’t know how to grieve my daughter in law. The last conversation we had was very hurtful. I pray we both find healing.

Thanks for your reply.
Yes I am trying to do more self care and relaxing.
There is a grief share group at a church near me. I was also in therapy and was just recently released because of my progress. Shortly afterwards she passed away suddenly.

My son went no contact about 5 years ago.
I can’t see my grandson or granddaughter. My daughter in law died a few weeks back unexpectedly. I don’t know how to grieve. I loved her. We did spend summers and holidays together until 5 years ago

This is a different kind of pain.