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How to help a young child cope with depressed dad?
Long story short, my adult son has clinical depression and anxiety. He does receive therapy and takes meds. My concern is about the perceptions of his 7 year old son. I live with my son, his son (my grandson) and my grandson’s mom who is divorced (amicably) from my son. My son experiences periodic bouts of depression and anxiety despite his treatment. He has told his son that he has a condition called depression and it makes him feel sad a lot; he and his ex have emphasized with my grandson that it’s not contagious and it’s nothing to do with him. My concern is that my grandson’s mom, who is a great mom, picks up a lot of the slack (as do I sometimes) when my son just doesn’t feel up to spending time with his son; also she is especially cheerful and silly with their son so she emerges as the “fun” parent while my son is often serious and at times morose. And my son feels that his son will think him weak and worthless (since that is how he often feels about himself.) I have tried to help my son see that a weak person doesn’t keep trying things to make things better and that if his son understands this he will continue to respect his dad. I know that my son’s responsibility is to work hard on the aspects of his condition and that cause him such a negative self-image and thoughts - and i know my grandson is fortunate to have a great mom. I admit that this may be more my problem than anyone else’s! But I am curious as to how those of you with depression and with young children manage your children’s perceptions of you and your condition.
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I was heavily medicated for Major Depressive Disorder during the early years of my children's lives. I have four grown children now but the last time I saw them the youngest was seven and the oldest twelve.
For me my children and to a degree my now ex-wife are the only people who could ever give me relief from my depression. It never really went away, but by focusing on their needs I was relieved of the burden of self. I did explain to my children that some of the wiring in my brain wasn't quite right and I had to take medication to help make things work better. It helped them understand why I might be sad for no reason.
I have to admit though, that mostly I tried to hide it from them. It was actually easier to keep to myself when other people, besides my wife and kids were not around. I have always sought out peace and quiet and my kids seem to like it too.
Recently, I found out I was misdiagnosed and should not have been taking any of the medication I was on. That in fact the medications were causing some of the very symptoms they had been prescribed to address. A big one was the suppression on testosterone.
The symptoms of low testosterone in men are pretty much the same as the symptoms of depression. Yet psychiatrist almost never test for it. Worse, they prescribe antidepressants that block the production of testosterone leading to a horrible feedback cycle. Every man suffering from depression should be tested for low testosterone...everyone. Not doing so is negligence in my option.
Mental illness is in us. Whether biology, trauma or both are to blame we have to treat the whole body. I was on fifteen meds, had every treatment in the tool kit and could not get better, my days were numbered. Three months later I am on four meds on my way to none.
A person suffering from depression needs help getting going. I needed to see results right away even small ones. The biggest bang for the buck is exercise, just walking to start. Next was cleaning up my diet. I then started using the internet to understand my illness better than my doctors. Little by little one success built on another. I am becoming a man my children can be proud of again. If they ever talk to me again I have something to offer.
What better example could your son offer his son than to fight! To never give up! Sometimes that is as small as getting up and taking a shower. Each success sets the stage for another.
I know it is hard! I was suicidal for almost fifteen years and my wife wisely took the children away. However, on some level I never gave up. I did not pull the trigger, often just for them. The treatment of mental health is changing. Your son will get better. Tell him to fight if only for his son.
He will get better. I am sure of it.
Be with love!
Thank you, your very kind words brought tears to my my eyes, although that’s been happening a lot lately since I can’t help but feel my son’s pain. In the past he has relied heavily upon exercise to alleviate his depression and anxiety but when he gets into a real hole, as he is at present partly, we think, to his new PCP (we are new to the area) trying him on Prozac which seemed to be a disaster, he becomes too immobilized to even take a walk. He is now contemplating taking Lexapro as suggested by his new psychiatrist but is terrified that he’ll have an initial bad reaction as he did with the Prozac. I have told him EXACTLY what you have said about fighting - it’s good to hear it from someone who actually has the same condition.
Be supportive, but one can not “manage” others. I have been a babysitter for 25+ years who suffers from depression and found it best to be honest and explain to children in appropriate manner for their age. The child will ask questions when they are ready, but do not overwhelm them with facts.
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