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Help - I am the Wife of a Man that Needs a Hip Replacement and refuses
My husband, 83, has had problems with his hip for years. He knows he needs a replacement but always backs out. He went to a pain manager who gave him shots in his hip and then started trying to sell him medical marijuana stuff for pain relief. This guy also had a "special cream that he used that he said worked better than the drugs on market and was made up for him at a pharmacy. That seemed strange to me and wasn't helping hubby much.
Anyway, Hubby is in pain and can hardly walk. When he does he walks like a cripple and grunts, groans and moans all the time. I love him dearly, but hearing him in pain all the time is getting to me. Especially when he starts talking about just going on waiting to die.
I also have problems with my legs, including a TKR and have problems walking, bending etc.
I am at my wits end because Hubby is starting to insist that I am around constantly. He drops things all over and can't pick them up so it leave it all to me. I have problem vacuuming due to balance and getting down on the floor. I want to hire help but Hubby refuses....claiming we can't afford it (we could a few times a month)
He keeps thinking his daughter is going to help but I can tell you that isnt going to happen. Since May we have seen her 1 time for 10 minutes because she is "so busy" She only lives 5 miles away. I called and asked if she would sit with her Dad one afternoon so I could get a respite and take in a show. She had no problem telling me
"No....to busy and that I should put him in a respite center!!! And bear with me when I say this...the few minutes she was here she was talking to him about his will and when I came in room shut up quickly.
Any support and ideas you can give me I would appreciate.
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I would like to add one more thing. Hubby has seen a very well respected, qualified surgeon who did give him shots in his hip until they seemed not to help much. He has recommended the replacement. This surgeon spends the time to answer questions, explain things, etc. and has a permanent office/practice.
It is Hubby's daughter who got him hooked up with this Pain Management Guy. This guy travels from hospital to hospital and has dozens of patients all lined up for shots. Nurse does all the work of getting him ready and Doc comes in, gives shot and leaves. I don't know where she finds these guys, but she always finds docs that don't have permanent offices, etc and are at the hospital for a while and then gone.
I brought that up with my primary care doc, he got a disapproving look on his face, especially when I told him about the "special cream" better than any prescription meds etc., and how he was "pushed" to an associate (of his) to try to sign him up for medical marijuana. My Doc's comment was that it does make you wonder what the motive is.
Oh dear, it sounds like you are right to be concerned about the doctor she has found for him. And about the demands being placed on you.
He and his daughter don't have the right to force the entire burden of his care onto you, nor to be at his beck and call every minute. Buy him a "reacher" and put it by his recliner or on his walker so he can pick up after himself.
My first question is, what would he do if you just hired help to come in and clean without his "permission"?
And to settle the daughter issue, just tell him when you are going out, and that if he does not want to be alone, he can call his daughter or a friend to stay with him. Leave what he needs within reach and go. Probably not for a week (which is what you really need) but for a few hours. Then go.
Finally, have you visited our caregiver support group to connect with others going through the same issues as you? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/
Sue
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7 ReactionsThanks Sue
I knew there had to be a support group but didn't find it.
RE the gripper and walker. He has both a walker and a rollinator and refuses to use them. He also has a gripper but it never is where he needs it so he just drops stuff and leaves it.
The moaning and groaning is the worst. And let's not even talk about him being crabby etc.
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1 ReactionThat sounds familiar "He has both a walker and a rollinator and refuses to use them." I cared for or helped care for family members and neighbors since I was a small child. Sometimes just assisting, sometimes as primary. Most times it was challenging, or gown right hard. But right now I am in a sweet spot - my husband and I can help each other, but neither needs caregiving yet. Not having cared for a spouse, I am sending you over to those who are doing it, because I understand it is a whole different dynamic.
I think the caregivers group can help you tease out what he WANTS from you and what he NEEDS. Then you can prepare yourself to put up with his demands and his behavior and still have a bit of a life yourself.
I'll be thinking of you!
Sue
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2 ReactionsThanks Sue. If I may tell you one more thing about his daughter - any new condition that comes down the pike she gets. I think that gives you a good idea of what goes on. When her son was getting married she found a doc that would prescribe one of those compression machines for her, the whole body works not just legs, arms etc. She is, well, fat, and was using it to try to lose weight or at least push water out of her body. She doesn't see that doc or use the machine since. Oh, it didn't work. laying of the Burger Kings and Breyers iee cream would have done more, but that would have required effort.
She encourages her father not to get help with housework because she says we are old and the people will steal from us. In the past she has held out the carrot that she would come and help, but that never materializes as she is too busy. She doesn't work. I am going to be a bit mean here when I say thatmy jewelry box seems to have a lot of fascination for her as I have, in the past, caught her opening it several times.
Forgive me her...I am not being nasty to her, just honest.
Respectfully, I need to be intrusive: Is your husband overweight? In particular, is his body mass index (BMI) too high: https://www.google.com/search?q=define+body+mass+index&oq=define+body+mass+index&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i512l3j0i22i30l3j0i15i22i30l3.15313j1j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
I've been there. I'm now 81 years of age and feel great, with weight a bit above 150 pounds. My weight peaked at 202 pounds a decade ago. I was starting to suffer knee pain. Diet and exercise (long walks with the family dog, plus limited calisthenics for upper-body strength) did the trick for me - Don C
@kartwk, if you have health problems also, you should definitely hire someone to come in a clean a few times a month. You should also take some time for yourself to get out of the house. Meet a friend for coffee, take a walk, go to the library. Plan something and tell your husband a few days before and let him know he cam call his daughter if he doesn’t want to stay alone. Set the grabber ans anything he might need while you are gone within easy reach. It is the airplane emergency protocol. You have to take care of yourself physically and mentally before you can take care of others. I don’t want to be nosy, not knowing how long you have been married, but is the house owned jointly by you and your husbamd, are financial accounts owned jointly? Based on tour comments about the daughter, it seems that she would be the type to sell the house from under you if your husbamd dies before you. I would also hide or lock up my jewelry when the daughter is there.
Even though it may be an impossibility I would have to say that I would talk to him even insist on the surgery. He really doesn’t realize that it will make the world of difference for his remaining years. I understand being scared. I had a RTHR in 2020 that got infected and required another surgery etc but even with that it’s made the world of difference. I’m currently looking at doing the left.
Wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers. Oh and go see that show he’ll be okay for an hour or two. Also go ahead and hire a helper occasionally. You deserve it.