Finding a reason

@santolina - just read your post and trying to post some words of encouragement to you even in the midst of what seems desperate times.
To start I just want to say what your so called friends have done to you was pathetic! Please know that their deeds have not gone unseen by our heavenly Father. I get the part of how you feel about what the meds were doing to you. Often it takes weeks or even months for the right outcome to happen with several of these meds and often people are now having specific DNA test done to see what specific med would work better for them.
You ask the question how does one find something to look forward to? My suggestion is to build on what you said first of all. The Joy you have looking forward to seeing your husband and dog is a great start. I personally try to focus on the often small but wonderful things going on around me each day.
On my regular walks that could mean how the dew has settled on a spider web, ducks swimming in a pond together that appear to be a couple, the shapes of the clouds and the faces I see them. If we take the time to look we often see things that normally we would walk right by.
I don't know how you view Faith, but when it comes to Joy I rely more on my faith to bring joy. That is often not seen, but felt deeply.
I am so glag you took time to vent on Mayo Connect. You will find a whole host of loving folks here that although we are not doctors, have been through lots and as each of us chime in it's my hope you will feel that we are holding you up with caring words. You are not alone! Jim@thankful.

Thank you for your comments.....I keep coming up short due to age....and the meds really did very little, so I rather rely on just gutting it out for the time being. I do believe in a higher power and for what it is worth, I cannot put a name on "it" due to the fact that so many religions seem to be hell bent on control issues versus what I choose to believe in. Raised a Catholic...got really tired of the control issues there, looked into several other "religions" and found most of them coming from the same place so instead just look to Mother Nature, Allah, Buddha. whatever name one wants to put to "it". At this age, it seems very little matters anymore and I struggle with finding anything other than the tenacity to go make the paycheck. Seems so futile to work so that I can stay alive till I kick the bucket....but thank you, truly....trying to find my way in a world that seems so hell bent on hurt, power, greed. Having grown up in the sixties, what I see today breaks my heart and I do not want to be here much anymore.....

Beautifully said.
Grateful for you.

@santolina welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I really am glad that you have been looking through the groups here and decided to post your worries. Like Jim @thankful said, we are not medical professionals, but we will absolutely step up and share with you the things that have worked for us or not worked for us. Depression is a sneaky thing, and comes in little bits at a time. Suddenly we stop and look around and look backwards and see how deeply it is affecting us.

I'm sorry to have read that your friends took your retirement funds. Was there any legal recourse to do with that situation and try to rectify it?

What has brought you Joy in your life? Do you have a hobby or a pastime that you put aside long time ago that you could start up again? Perhaps a craft that is portable that you could do on your lunch hour at work? Having to commute to work, do you take an audible book with you to listen to? Maybe you could find some interesting novels that way and it would help pass the time. I bet when you come home and you see the wagging tail of your dog so happy to see you, must put a smile on your face, right? Taking some time each week for exercise, however that may be for you, will also help lift your mood. I know for me just getting out to walk is always a good thing.

I have suffered from depressive episodes many times, and even though the idea of getting dressed enough to go outside to walk is daunting, I know I always feel better! Like Jim had commented I look for the details as I walk and that seems to help me get through. If you are a writer, journaling might be just the right thing for you. You don't have to read what you have written you could just burn it if you want. If your employer has an EAP program, contact them and see about talking to a counselor. You shouldn't have to burden yourself with all of this.

We are here to help you as we can,
Ginger

However things come to pass that we lose out on happiness as age comes along to chip away at our time, we are faced with ourselves in the real battle to find a path that we can follow. As I settled into my birthday yesterday, realizing some very difficult financial days lie ahead and that I continue to struggle with mental issues, alone, I worry about my times. Still, I have my dignity presently in working in my occupation and in finding some relief in knowing that nobody can strip away from me how I handle myself with others and most days on how I try to see myself now.

You do not have to be alone.
And you have listed positives:
Dignity working. Relationships with others..
You will find a path. Why struggle alone?
There are times when we are not objective about ourselves and need a listener to give us feed back.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13

Thank you for revealing your most intimate thoughts about your struggles and thoughts about a sense of futility and hopelessness. Nonetheless, I am truly grateful to read about your tenacity to go to work in order to eak out an existence. You have given me comfort and hope because you are trying to live. Please don't stop persevering and keep sharing your struggles and victories, no matter how small.
By the way, there is an "it" greater than me who listens to me and I feel hopeful and I persevere. Please keep sharing your thoughts and struggles. It is encouraging to read.

I totally understand your feelings about the controlling church, I too have been there. However, don’t let that take away the free gift Christ has given us, no church has an exclusive right to that...it is between you and Jesus...the forgiveness of our sins and the salvation we receive because of it is God’s personal gift to you...freely given with no strings attached...our lives here on this earth are really tough and miserable, but we have a heavenly home waiting for us where everything will be perfect.

My passion for 40 years were horses and ALL that encompassed. I trained, showed, owned my own 52 stall facility, taught, sponsored shows and clinics. But broken backs, trashed knees, beat up shoulders eventually showed me I had to quit as in my professional opinion if I could NOT keep a horse safe if they had an issue, I became a detriment and that was just not acceptable. The horses ALWAYS came first, before the owners, before sleep, food, holidays. THEY were my teachers and taught me more than any human could. But their safety was more important than my pleasure so I had to quit. Sold the facility to "friends" who proceeded to default on the loan. And I did foreclose on them but the deliberate damage they did made it impossible to start back up, so managed to sell it for less than half of what I was owed. But for a couple that had been a client who heard about the mess, hired an attorney on our behalf and allowed me to pay them back over a 5 year period, we would have been homeless...I owe them our very lives.And yes, I could have sued them for the tremendous, deliberate damage they caused but that would have meant another year or two of dealing with their toxicity and it came down to how much is right worth. I used to journal and not read it for some time. It saddened me to read what I had written and became too painful to continue.

I am VERY grateful to one of my sisters who told me about your site as knowing there is a safe place to ask questions, read of others, etc is comforting.

I am just going to have to struggle and find my path, if indeed there still is one. I know with certainty that meds made it far too difficult to work and I have to for survival so hoping all you wonderful people will give me ideas so that I can somehow find a reason to stay until the Universe says otherwise.

Thank you.