Feeling untethered

@thisismarilynb - I think I understand your feelings a little bit since I am "my father's child" and I have now outlived him. This year I have made a very deliberate effort to live in the moment - savor what I am seeing, hearing, tasting - without worrying about taking pictures, who will do the dishes, or what is on my to-do list.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with my fabric guy. We had become friends over the years based on our mutual love of fabrics, and he always wanted to hear about my current projects, my kids, etc.
One day I walked in and asked how he was. He replied, "I need a hug. I am 90 years old and my last schoolmate just died." We hugged, chatted for a while about this and that, and he ended our conversation with "Don't worry about me, I know my time is coming. Just keep talking to me about your life, and I'll talk about my memories." Then he told the old (probably vaudeville) joke. "I'm at the age where I don't even buy green bananas" and we laughed. Five years later he passed peacefully in his sleep. I miss Sid every time I walk into his store - even though it is the same place and his son and a long-time employee run it, it doesn't feel the same.

So that "untethered feeling" can happen at any age. May I ask what you do to try to stay in the moment?

@thisismarilynb There are probably many of us who wouldn't be able to label that feeling, like you did! Perhaps it is coming from seeing friends and/or family drift away in the course of their own journeys. Perhaps it comes from seeing so many changes in the course of our lifetimes, be it technology, belief systems, education, etc. And we feel a bit left behind.

Somehow I picture that astronaut in that film, drifting in space, tethered by the lifeline/umbilical cord of oxygen to his space capsule. Cannot recall the film.
Ginger

I know how you feel because when I was 21--fifty years ago--I almost died from influenza gone bad and ended up in the ICU for a month and hospitalized for some months after. I had a classic near death experience, too. This was a lot to process at a young age. Until I was 30 or so I felt like I was floating, that things weren't quite real. And I felt different than other people in a lonely way. Eventually I learned how to balance out an awareness of death with an ability to engage with life, but it remains complicated at times. Is this your first strong experience of feeling untethered? (good word!). Is the feeling totally unpleasant or does it have some freedom in it? I'll add that I've been aware of death every day since I was 21, and it has made me appreciate life more fully, while realizing it is impermanent. Thanks for the topic--an important one.

Marilyn, untethered is a great word, and so is 'adrift'. Both imply freely floating with an invisible impetus or a current of some kind, but not in any danger per se. With the safety of the dock and of the shore inevitably receding, this is what we understand and accept implicitly: our time is coming to a close. It's just us, the rowboat, and the Great Blue Sea., the expanse which, when the horizon becomes amorphous and devoid of any recognizable artefact, is also The Great Unknown.

At a young age of 73.5 (on the 29th), I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on my end, although it becomes increasingly insistent that I do as I care for my Dad who is largely confined to his apartment and to using a walker. A bad fall 16 months ago ended his mobility, even with both hips replaced starting nine years ago. He keeps saying he's ready to go, that life doesn't hold any allure these days. He's about to turn 96, a mining engineer who made a lot of people rich with his ability to problem-solve and to run concentrators....an alpha male who was always in control of his environment. Now, he's a doddering, hunched shell of a man who finds no pleasure in anything much any more. I know that this is what lies ahead for me. It's bleak, but.........................it needn't be. I happily have been a contented and optimistic person, with a fairly bright personality, all my life, and I enjoy spending time in my head. I can be alone and find pleasure is many things, including participating in various hobby and health fora spread across the www. I've lost hearing in one ear, have an adhered vitreous sac in the eye I've recently had a cataract removed and an IOL inserted. Great IOL, but the central vision is all fuzzy in that nice new lens due to the puckering of the adhered remnant over the place where the eye sees clearly. My hobbies include classical music, singing in a choral society, and astronomy (I have several fine optical instruments). I could be bummed, but I choose not to be. It's just not that bad, and could be a helluva lot worse! I could need my hips replaced...and I've been a distance runner and competitor all my life. 😀

Anyway, I'm prattling on here, but even with few friends (left) or kinfolk, with diminished capacity, and fewer options, you're here, typing on a keyboard of some description, and you have sympathetic responders encouraging you to keep plugging away. You're not done yet.

Absolutely! I feel as you do although I am 77. What a fascinating journey.

@mir123 When I was 10 years old (remember that was 80 years ago) I contracted scarlet fever. No drugs then. Did we even have aspirin? I was placed in isolation in a hospital for contageous diseases. There was nothing they could do for except wait for me to die. Well, obviously, I didn't, but I was there for a month. Perhaps this has something to do with the way I feel now. I would not say it is a strong experience - more like just a feeling. There is no unpleasantness or other feelings - just the feeling of being untethered. I think it is because of my age.

@sueinmn My feeling untethered does not affect my staying in the moment. It was the only way I could describe it. More like a melody softly playing in the background. I do stay in the moment because there are a lot of bad things happening and putting your head in the sand doesn't accomplish anything.

Good morning marilynmb
My gosh Ms. Marilynb, you certainely woke up some folks with your writing and I thank you very much for your sharing. I also, feel from time to time; I turned 80 this past March, born in 1945, that sometimes when I feel untethered, when grandmother and grandfather on my mothers side were still alive, they both lived to 101 and 103 respectively, would remind us that "our models no longer exist;" folks after our generations don't work or play as hard as we used to and therefore, they lose out on a whole lot of life."
No one knows when their time is up: we just keep going and your writing has inspired me way beyond my usual feelings of "getting older." My license is about to renew and although I see fine and I am very active, I am a little untethered regarding going for the renewal. A neighbor who is 75 years young and still works his farm with his family, was told he could no longer drive. He is appealing the decision. I guess his reults are disturbing me somewhat.
Regardless of my situation, because of your writing and openness of your concerns, I am embolden to proceed with new vigor towards this journey and I am going to resist like the deacons to being plagued with the " I am older blues" and speed forward, smelling the roses as they say, each and every day at the time. That is all any of us have either way.
Love your writing and keep moving on.
Jofree

At 76 and 1/2 years, I may at times feel what you call "untethered," and perhaps I also felt it at times during serious life purpose crises throughout my life.

I probably felt most "tethered" during my work as editor of a monthly professional magazine. I lived in the constant rumble of a relentless 4 week work cycle. This was not necessarily bad. During those years I new what needed to be done every day, and I mostly enjoyed it. In a small way I was "important" to several thousand professional readers.

Today I'm tethered to my wife, two dogs and the neighborhood barn (which I manage) and musical study. Sometimes I wonder what I'd feel if these "tethers" release me. Since this is still a fantasy I can control, I enjoy exploring the floating away feeling. Perhaps I'm practicing for later.

I do like the feeling of lightness. I try to find something in my home, shop or self to release every day. But I know I have a lot to come back to.

Best wishes to you, Marilyn! Thank you for this thought.

@thisismarilynb I can remember when scarlet fever could cause serious problems. I'm glad you made it through! I like the way you describe the feeling of being untethered. I think it can be caused by age, or awareness (or both together). Often I feel that a beautiful poem or piece of music comes from that very same sensation. For me it is often like feeling two things at once. I'm enjoying your posts!