Family Relations: How do I accept and adjust to family moving away?

It is painful. Your kindness comes through in your responses. You are a wonderful person and would be a wonderful friend to have, I am sure. I have gone through major loss in the past year and reading a book Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine has helped me deal with the losses and subsequent grief. The book isn't for everyone, but I have re-read it, I think it was that helpful to get an honest assessment. I solely helped my parents and friends who I have lost through their final stages of illness. My siblings never helped, and they do not show or have any remorse for being selfish. It is an acceptable way to live, I guess. But I know I did the right thing for me as I would have felt guilt and remorse. Ask your son if they can wait to make this major move? What can it hurt?

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@lindasmith1222 @normawatkins

Linda, my situation is similar to yours in that I was the only family member helping elderly parents during the tough times when the selfish ones refused to help and during my father's end stage heart disease. I helped even when I was physically ailing myself in need of surgery and I know I did the right thing, so I have no regrets. My parents always thought they could do anything even when they could not, and they didn't accept their limitations. Rather than let them fail, I stepped in to fill the needs that allowed them to remain living in their home. Their doctors recommended assisted living, but they refused. They had promised each other never to put the other in a nursing home, so that put the burden on me. My mom never thanked me, but my dad did and he saw how much pain I was in while taking care of him because I needed spine surgery which I had 3 months after he died. I was doing the things for him that would have be done in a nursing home.

Norma, I think your son is caught in the middle between wanting to be there for you and his wife's expectations, and that must be difficult for him. My husband missed me when I was hardly at home taking care of my parents for 2 years who lived 25 miles from me. We have a wonderful marriage, and he supported my decision to help, and he was also frustrated by my siblings who just took advantage of the situation and let me do all the hard work. I wish my mom was like you. Hold onto your close relationship with your son. If his life changes and does not go as planned, you will still have each other.

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Letting go is never easy especially with children. However, we must remember that we were once in their place leaving our parents and cleaving to our spouse.

I have for years told friends and family members to raise your children but don’t get in the habit of living your life through and around your children. Children are going to leave and live their own lives.

You can only live one life and that is yours. It’s selfish to make them feel guilty because you want them around and they want to live life in their own married way.

Children will share their life with you but they don’t owe you their life meaning they want to create their own memories apart from you. She want to share time with her family regardless of the reason after 42 years of being away.

Get a hobby, travel, become part of book club with seniors. Join the YMCA. Reach out to your local church to see if any other seniors want to do outings or need a roommate.
Do something and live, love and laugh and celebrate the moments of your life past and present.

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Hi everyone, this is so interesting.

In my culture and many others around the world, different generations live under one roof. Or in close proximity to family members. Usually, not always depending on circumstances. The older member offering support and life experiences, and the younger members keeping the older ones young. If harmonious, it's a good fit. If there is tension, not so good.

I think we would all be better off if we had connections with people of all ages groups. Just think of the benefits!
I believe that if you don't have family support, it's good to reach out to neighbors, friends, groups that share your interest. It doesn't matter if your are 62 or 102. You have a lot to offer!

Just my thoughts on a Sunday morning. Good luck to everyone who is navigating these family issues.

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I have always believed this, also - that children should be free to live their own lives as adults as we did and, until recently, I have done a good job of doing that but at 92 and with financial uncertainties facing us, I was not as brave as I had planned to be. But with the good advice I have received from many, including yours, I am able to see I can do this. Sometimes we need to be called out and reminded of options other than despair. Thank you.

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You're so right. That's how I feel about it as well.

When I was small I told my parents that I wanted to earn enough money to afford a house in which they could live with me so they would be independent and I would be there for help if they needed it. I never understood the care homes, they made me sick to my stomach and very sad.

I though was 'the weird/different one' (I never liked it when they said that because i was used to myself but later in life could see they were different from me) and my siblings did not do such things, nor did they want to accommodate my parents who themselves didn't want to move in with their children. There was no need, they were doing fine.
I offered to take in my mother after my father died but she didn't want to and preferred being in her own house. I am fine with that: it's all that matters, she should be in the best place for her.

I don't know which culture you come from but I have often felt out of place. As a child I really REALLY wanted to one day hear my parents admit I was adopted. But my mother insists I am theirs 😊 As a woman on the bus asked my mother if it was difficult to raise 'such an oriental child' my hopes went up. But alas, I was not oriental 😹

I never belonged in the culture I am in and suppose I am not the only one.
In some locations they set up homes for said elderly with students and immigrants; this way people get in touch with one another and feel they are part of society. Such a great initiative!

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@normawatkins Let me first say that I love how this discussion has evolved. Your very first post that started this discussion made me angry and so very sad. I'm still sad for you and the entire situation is very difficult with so many unknowns. You have made it very clear that you are not trying to change your son at this point and his decision but rather accept the reality for what is and adjust to that.

You've received so much support and good suggestions here. And then your following posts indicate that you are opening up to possibilities you hadn't considered. I'm the same age as your son and I know people half my age who cannot do this. You are an inspiration and I hope that if I reach the age of 92 I will do so with the grace that you have.

Will you continue to post here and let me know how you are feeling?

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@normawatkins So happy for you. At 67 yrs and no children has given me thoughts of my future but you and others give me hope.

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