Failures - how do you cope?

You cope by taking one day at a time , one moment really and being thankful for what you do have. Look at the positives (and there are some) even in the mist of your situation. I am sorry for what you’re going through .

@marlenec Your son made the bad choices that has landed him where he is today, not you. Your ex-daughter-in-law made the choices she made possibly based on information she was given, not understanding perhaps it would really not be that way. Your grandson is doing the best he can, and has a roof over his head, with food on the table.

I would really hesitate to say you are a failure. You are not the only one responsible for a successful/happy/self-sufficient son. He also had the major part of this job. Do you know what his therapist has outlined for him to take control of his life and get to living? Is he doing that? If not, why?

What does your therapist say when you tell him/her that you feel like a failure?
Ginger

His therapist tells him to try to make small goals for himself, consider even minor “wins” if he can, rather than focusing on the global catastrophe that he perceives is his life that he can’t dig himself out of. It appears very difficult to do because he desperately wants to “feel” better and whatever minute joys he tries to conjure up don’t seem to provide him that. He was in residential for a month six years ago after a major breakdown and then in an IOP and he intellectually knows the strategies but emotionally has great difficulty effectively using them. As for me and my therapist, he asks for me to face my feelings and not try to push them away and encourages me to stop trying to fix this - because I can’t - to break that dynamic of listening to my son and then trying to reassure him when in reality I’m trying also to soothe myself. Not that there is anything “wrong” with that - to steal a line from Seinfeld the old TV show - but as my therapist he is concerned with the effect that pattern has on me. My son’s guilt and shame stem
primarily from his sense that he grew up with “every” advantage - a sharp intellect, an intact family, a great education, a comfortable life - and he “should” not be in this shape. My therapist has pointed out that perhaps in reality my son did not have every advantage, that is, for whatever reason the resilience to conquer disappointments and cope effectively with failures somehow didn’t develop in him, whether or not that was due to anything my husband and I did or didn’t do.

Please bear with me a minute.

In the movie "Apollo 13", there's a scene where NASA has to figure out how to save the spacecraft.

They don't waste a minute on how the situation developed or how things should be different. They take stock of their resources and limitations, and go from there to find a solution.

I mention this because when I had a stroke, I had to do the same thing. No point in agonizing over possibilities, alternate histories, or who was to blame. I had to identify what resources I had, be grateful that I had so many, and frankly -- get on with it.

My suggestion to your son: Stop comparing yourself to others and lamenting the situation. You're in a rough spot. It's time to take stock of your resources (a home, a loving mother, some talents and abilities, just for starters), identify your objective, and start working towards it.

It's not easy. After my stroke, the list of what I couldn't do was endless. What I *could* do, though, was try. I'm still trying, nearly five years later. This despite severe, non-stop pain in every part of my body, too. I take it a day (or hour or even moment) at a time and focus on how far I've come, not how far I have to go. I celebrate every tiny bit of progress.

And, the world he was prepared for may no longer exist. Just having advantages doesn’t mean a person will succeed. Companies fail all the time, healthy people get sick, governments fail. This idea that things have to work a certain way may also be contributing to his inability to move forward.
Success is sometimes simply accepting that bad things have happened and we need to get on to the next attempt.

@marlenec Your son's concept that he grew up with every advantage doesn't always translate into putting everything into successful practice. Little victories each day can be built upon, creating a positive foundation. I sincerely hope that he will continue to look for the ways that will work for him, and consistently take pride when he has managed a good day. It takes a lot of hard work on his part, and it sounds like you understand all too well, how discouraging setbacks can be. The phrase "never give up" comes to mind.
Ginger

And, on that note, I just watched the film entitled "Nyad" on Netflix. It is all about never giving up, no matter what. Celebrate those "little victories" and give thanks for the good moments this life is offering. Gratitude is a powerful force which reminds us of what is right with the picture instead of what is wrong. Best of luck to you and your family, Marlene.

Are you trying to cope with your perceived failures or his? My 25 year old son is trying to get healthy after a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. He left high school at 17 because he couldn't see the next day let alone focus on learning. I have witnessed him fight his constant suicidal ideation, OCD, panic attacks, major depression, and terribly low self worth despite being a hard worker, conscientious, tender hearted young man.
GAD and MDD are not character flaws they are very real health issues. Start by recognizing your mistakes as a mother, owning them, and then being more kind and forgiving to yourself. No mother was a good mother every day of her life. Then try to focus on your son's successes and build on those. I am trying to accept the reality of what each day brings while reminding myself that everything changes with time. I know the unbearable physical presence of the ache you feel in your heart. Human beings and life are far to complicated for you to take sole responsibility for your son's life. Trying to find some level of acceptance while maintaining hope for the future is hard as hell. I accept there will be very bad moments and that those moments will pass. Sometimes you just have to have faith that all of your small efforts will amount to something significant. Sending you and your son loving thoughts and compassion.

Thanks. Your words and your description of so many similar feelings meant a lot to me and I very much appreciate your willingness to share.

It doesn't seem to me that anyone has failed.

From what you have written you have a loving family and everyone is doing the best they can to deal what it is to be human.

By most standards I have failed spectacularly, drugs, prison, my wife leaving me and taking the children away because I cared more about making money than being the man I should have been. Squandering everything my wife and children were counting on, leaving them destitute are all but a shortlist of my failures.

By societies standards I have also been spectacularly success, I started and built a billion dollar company and sold it to retire at forty-six, making millions for my family. I was a weekly radio personality for over a decade. I've been published many times and was a sought after speaker and advisor to many institutions.

None of my successes or my failures matter in the least now.

The only value they have is to inform the present.

All that matters is what I do today to try to spread what love I have to give and help those I love heal.

I believe all humans are a product of their genetics and their environment, I'm not even sure how much choice has to do with it. We do the best we can with what we have. Spouses fail each other. Parents fail their children. Doctors fail their patients and Governments fail the people.

In some cultures when someone fails they commit suicide. I have come very close to doing that myself. I have come to believe that sticking around to try to fix what I can is the most loving and courageous thing I can do.

Loving someone who is having a bad time is not easy.

I don't know you: but you seem to love your family very much. Keep fighting for them by fighting the toughest battle any human can fight, that is the battle to know ones own soul.

You have your family. You love them and you are fighting for them. I believe above all else that is what humans need to keep going.

I hope you and everyone you love finds peace.