Extreme self hatred- how did I become this person?

Well I experienced some of this over the poltical trauma in the US. I got depressed hopeless did not like myself I am only following one issue now. Social Security and Medicare. In my past I was a so called codependent giving too much to people who took advantage. I have had to deal with this. Trauma can cause anger depression etc
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@carter8107, this must be a terrible place to find yourself in. You're feeling such loathing and anger that you don't even want to help yourself. You see yourself being mean to the people you care about and you can't stop it.

What a horrible, vicious circle like a merry-go-round you can't get off.

Despite the seeming hopelessness of your message, I also see a glimmer of light -- you posted here. To me that signals you want to stop the spinning merry-go-round and find a way to get off.

Deep down, I think you know you want to change. You took the first step by posting here. Good for you!

Was there an event or change in your life that started this change? Do you have access to a therapist to talk about it?

kb2014, I know what you’re talking about, I too am struggling almost daily with anger with myself but more for people who called themselves my family and friends. When I got sick with cancer in 2020, the support I got was minimal to none, God only knows how much love and support is needed, I believe it’s the medicine we need going through this time. I thought it was due to the pandemic, everyone was scared about what was happening but it became apparent that they just didn’t care enough about me. I tried so hard to be a good person and never did anything to hurt anyone but it just didn’t make any difference. I began to get more depressed and anxious and I was struggling with my mental health, our minds can be so cruel sometimes and I started remembering bad things from my past which just made me worse. I did try some therapy for a while and it helped but the bad memories just keep tormenting me, medication was not working for me and the side effects made me feel worse. I often wake up feeling fear and tension but it goes away a little when I get up and find distractions. I realize that I’m not alone with my troubles, I’ve read so many stories about people suffering in this cold and messed up world but it just doesn’t stop the pain I feel, I was never very religious in my life but I’m trying to use prayer more to find peace in my heart, it’s pretty much all I have left. The biggest conflict is that I have struggled so hard to stay alive and not let cancer take me but then I sometimes look at my life and I wonder what it’s all for, loving myself has been an ongoing struggle.

I say hang in there. I am so sorry people abandoned you due to cancer a life threatening illness. Actually I am some kind of cycle where I am overwhelmed almost daily. I had an issue with verizon fixed a complaint with the FCC NM DOJ posted a review on pissed consumer. I had extreme trouble getting my taxes filed online. Made appt with volunteer tax preparer. Personally I feel many people have become consumed by the news the media etc. It is very dark times. I like prayer too and meditation. I am really am moving away from online things more reading books looking at pet videos on you tube. I have 2 dogs who are my legal ESAs. I completely understand and relate to your emotions. The world has been taken over in one explanation by narcissism. No one cares.I wish I could be more positive but for me facing hard truths and then changing me works. Take care. Get good sleep. Stay hydrated.

Reading this whole gamut of comments, I certainly feel much the same way! About a year before COVID reared its ugly head, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease!! At first, my family was helpful and supportive! At that time, luckily, I was able to walk and move ok, albeit some stiffness, and jerky movements! We have 2 Doctor’s, a Nurse Practitioner, and a nurse (BSN), in our immediate family, so I got s lot of support. Once COVID hit, everything changed, very rapidly! My Son-In-Law, a Hospitalist Physician was assigned to the COVID ward, and so we hardly saw much of him, for several years. We had to keep our distance! My wife has metabolic system disorder, that affects the heart, lungs, kidneys etc., so we were isolated much of the time, during COVID, and we had to fend for ourselves much of the time! Since COVID infections have gotten under control, and we, faithfully, took all the shots and boosters required, we are fairly well protected! Ironically though, my getting help as my Parkinson’s has been progressing, has not materialized much. Seemingly, apathy and self-centeredness, has become the norm! So much has changed. I have great difficulty navigating steps, and my walking has slowed quite a bit, in the last few years. I lose my balance easily, and have completely fallen down, three times, since fall! We are having a brutal winter this year, and the accumulated snow and ice, up here, in Michigan, makes for uneven walking surfaces! The huge political upheaval’s that are changing our country going forward, are intimidating to me! So, I guess we are all having struggles, lately!’Good luck’ and hoping for better times!!

WOW. How I can relate. I was in your same frame of mind of hating myself back in my 40’s. I’m 64 now and just starting on the journey of self love. I have not experienced your type of anger until recently. My estranged little sister passed away unexpectedly from complications of cancer. I come from a family of 4, no relatives and except in Japan. So I’m the only one left in my family. I caught myself in a fit of anger directed at the only 3 friends I have, Anyway, I don’t know how old you are, but I just wanted you to know it’s never too late to learn, through therapy and self reflection. There are a ton of good books out there on the topic of learning to love yourself. When your career is gone and you’re estranged from your family and you didn’t have children, you have no choice but to learn to love yourself. Finding a good therapist can be a process but once you connect and they can help you self reflect, it’s worth the money and time you invest. Best of luck to you on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me however you can on this platform.

@carter8107, I hope you've been reading the messages people have posted for you. It would be great to hear from you again. How are you doing today?

I feel for you. Scientific studies show that people belonging to a religious group are happier that people who do not belong to a religious group. Give it a try.

To @foundryrat743
My husband has Parkinson’s too and due to my uncontrolled anxiety, he is my caregiver instead of the other way around. His voice has gotten very soft, he chokes on his food and even water, and his gait is off. He has trouble getting up from chairs, etc. But, somehow, this wonderful man drives me to doctors’ appointments (when I am able to leave the house), shops, does the laundry, prepares food, etc. If the medical providers could prescribe meds that work for me, then I could take care of him. It’s not their fault that my body rejects everything thrown at it. I have been trying to walk outside a little bit and my neighbors must think I am drunk because I am so wobbly.

dorothy1914, Thank you for your kind reply! I am my wife’s caregiver, and have been for many years! She had a terrible heart attack about 30 years ago, where she ended up at the Cleveland Clinic and had a quadruple bypass! She’s had three heart attacks since, along with four stents! She has limited energy, and has a lot of shortness of breath! So, it is not easy for chronically ill people, to also, be caregivers! Keep on keeping on! 😃