Emotions and anxiety with a cancer diagnosis: How do you cope?

I have had terrible anxiety and panic attacks even before recurrence of kidney cancer 7 yrs ago . Sometimes I wonder if childhood sexual abuse and neglect causes cancer. I'm 70 and was dx with kidney cancer at age 47. After removing the whole left kidney and adrenal, I was told I was cured. 17 yrs later at age 64 I had mets to liver and pancreas and started a TKI sutent. It's held the cancer steady, plus it cleared the liver of mets. But pancreas mets are stubborn. Past few months my emotional symptoms have escalated and my hope has tanked. I scan every three months and last 3 scan reports have seemed fishy to me.
I have an RCC Specialist in Seattle who weighs in on scans, and referred me to a local onc here in Olympia for labs and I get scanned in Oly too.
After 7 yrs I may be facing a change in TKI from sutent to Cabo. Side effects are difficult.
I developed seizures 2 yrs into treatment and see neurologist for that and take seizure meds along with TKI.
I also lost my Mom in Oct. Neurologist prescribed lorazepam for anxiety and it helps, but I get anxious taking it cause they warn you so much about addiction to it. I'm an old hippie and cannibus does help too
I've just felt blown off by Drs. They never respond when labs are low...I am always low sodium and Cl. I see local onc every 3 mos for 15 mins to review scans and plans. Scan in Sept was full of error. Dec scan showed lesion in body of pancreas to be 3.6 cm. Local onc said Sept scan remeasured showed same size but I never was informed of remeasure.
I wake up at 3, 4 am and am weepy and so sad.
I feel bad for our tanking medical system due to COVID pandemic. I fear going out, wear mask everywhere which is to store and Dr appts.
I'm thinking of just getting off meds and maybe enjoying feeling better awhile before I die.
My husband is so supportive I'm so lucky there.
But I'm just not my happy go lucky self anymore. I'm crying now writing this, dreading scan on Wednesday, dreading the steroids I have to take prescan due to contrast iodine allergy, and I'm dreading results, dreading changing meds.....and feel a stranger to my Drs.
I do get at least a mile a day walk in. But I'm a singer, performer or I used to be. It's hard being the empath I am, having the PTSD I have, and feeling abandoned by the Drs.
Are there any good books on dying? I want to get more comfortable with my mortality and have a good, happy death. Why are we so conditioned to fear it, feel it's a bad thing? Sobbing now. Husband suggests it's .5 Ativan time.
Thank you for listening, those of you who haven't blown me off as a crazy old crone. ✌️💖

I have had terrible anxiety and panic attacks even before recurrence of kidney cancer 7 yrs ago . Sometimes I wonder if childhood sexual abuse and neglect causes cancer. I'm 70 and was dx with kidney cancer at age 47. After removing the whole left kidney and adrenal, I was told I was cured. 17 yrs later at age 64 I had mets to liver and pancreas and started a TKI sutent. It's held the cancer steady, plus it cleared the liver of mets. But pancreas mets are stubborn. Past few months my emotional symptoms have escalated and my hope has tanked. I scan every three months and last 3 scan reports have seemed fishy to me.
I have an RCC Specialist in Seattle who weighs in on scans, and referred me to a local onc here in Olympia for labs and I get scanned in Oly too.
After 7 yrs I may be facing a change in TKI from sutent to Cabo. Side effects are difficult.
I developed seizures 2 yrs into treatment and see neurologist for that and take seizure meds along with TKI.
I also lost my Mom in Oct. Neurologist prescribed lorazepam for anxiety and it helps, but I get anxious taking it cause they warn you so much about addiction to it. I'm an old hippie and cannibus does help too
I've just felt blown off by Drs. They never respond when labs are low...I am always low sodium and Cl. I see local onc every 3 mos for 15 mins to review scans and plans. Scan in Sept was full of error. Dec scan showed lesion in body of pancreas to be 3.6 cm. Local onc said Sept scan remeasured showed same size but I never was informed of remeasure.
I wake up at 3, 4 am and am weepy and so sad.
I feel bad for our tanking medical system due to COVID pandemic. I fear going out, wear mask everywhere which is to store and Dr appts.
I'm thinking of just getting off meds and maybe enjoying feeling better awhile before I die.
My husband is so supportive I'm so lucky there.
But I'm just not my happy go lucky self anymore. I'm crying now writing this, dreading scan on Wednesday, dreading the steroids I have to take prescan due to contrast iodine allergy, and I'm dreading results, dreading changing meds.....and feel a stranger to my Drs.
I do get at least a mile a day walk in. But I'm a singer, performer or I used to be. It's hard being the empath I am, having the PTSD I have, and feeling abandoned by the Drs.
Are there any good books on dying? I want to get more comfortable with my mortality and have a good, happy death. Why are we so conditioned to fear it, feel it's a bad thing? Sobbing now. Husband suggests it's .5 Ativan time.
Thank you for listening, those of you who haven't blown me off as a crazy old crone. ✌️💖

Not blowing you off... I get how hard this must be for you. Especially if you feel like you are going this alone without Drs that you feel connected to.
This is hard stuff and your reaction is normal for such a difficult place to be.
I know its hard to " show up" and do all the things needed to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so impressed by you and how much youve done!
I guess I'd ask you what you are doing that you enjoy in life ? To balance out all the other stuff? Self care that is positive?
Do you have someone to talk to about all your feelings about this? We talk to our husband's but we also kind of protect and care for them to.
I had to look death in the face after multiple cancer dxs and my faith helped me with that . I am not afraid to die. How I die yeah maybe a little, I'd like no pain . But living life also doesn't bring me fear... there are still moments of great joy to balance out the hard times. Moments of feeling useful. Giving to others , time with my family etc.
I know today is hard , I hear that, but I'm praying tomorrow's better. You deserve it!
Prayers for you

Hi jazzer,
this sounds like an enormous amount to have to deal with, all at once. I'm glad you have a supportive husband! There are many good books on dying. I've read a lot, because I had a near death experience 50 years ago and now have an unusual NET in my breast. I've listed what I like below. I have a feeling that it might help for you to focus on yourself as a person and not just a patient (difficult, I know) and investigate life and death as you understand them. Have you thought about keeping a journal? You probably have strong values and experiences that might provide solace. I keep a short gratitude journal, and just a one-liner every day to catch my inner/outer worlds. Here goes suggestions--these books come out of spiritual traditions but don't have any dogma. Obviously skip what doesn't speak to you!

When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner (This isn't about death but more about loss. I found it helpful).

Who Dies by Stephen Levine
And
A Year to Live by Stephen Levine (This gives you practices to address death. I went slow with it as to not provoke anxiety).

Ram Dass
Love Serve Remember Foundation
This is on-line--you did mention "old hippie" and he has a very kind-hearted approach.

Thank you so very much. Your support is extremely helpful. I'm starved for emotional support. You have given me some good substance. ✌️💖

@glendafl Have you tried mindfulness exercises or deep breathing exercises? It helps clear my mind of negative thoughts and worries. And it's so relaxing after I got the hang of it. I realized too, that things I worry about are going to happen or not regardless if I worry about them, so there's no point spending my precious energy worrying about things I can't control. I know that's much easier said then done, but it takes time and practice. I wish you the best.

I am my husband’s caretaker but feel in the same state as you. I”m having trouble coping. Every scan that generates bad results negates hope that there be no more unpleasant treatment. But I need to show encouragement.