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Diagnosed Late With Mental Illness: adult ADD, MDD and GAD
Where to start? Where to start? Well, lets just say its been a world wind.
Diagnosed with the 1st Illness the week of my 40th birthday (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Just last year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Now on the 3rd of this month, I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.
The 1st 2 I have come to terms with and understand. This latest 1........not only does it confuse me, but I feel as though it drops me in that box that I have been trying to avoid being tossed in alllll these years.
Anxiety can be called many things...bad nerves....stressed out. All kind of acceptable things.
Depression is common...accepted, especially due to all that these past few years have brought on us as a whole.
But this last 1. AADD?
First off, after being told I had it, I laughed and said to the Dr..."Isnt that what the little bad children have? Ya know....the ones acting out in the grocery stores and bouncing around like jack rabbits etc"
As she began to explain that adults to can have this...and that it may be genetic and allllll of this stuff. I kinda zoned as she concluded our session. Later I looked it up and man.... it sure doesnt read well.
This diagnosis for me...in my head...how Im processing it means I have a defect. A real full fledged mental defect. No it wont go away like depression or anxiety can. Its stuck. It can be the reason for the other 2 things. All 3 existing and feeding off of each other, making my life a shit show.
How lucky am I? Not 1 , not 2 , but 3 demons reeking havoc in my home life, work life, social life...alll of it.
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Earlier today I responded to a posted message. In my response I mentioned I have been practicing yoga and pranayama breathing for over 25 years. Thinking about this I realized what a depressing message I was sending. If I was on the receiving end of this message I’d say to myself, are you kidding me I don’t have 25 years to do anything. I have been exploring for years where I might find some help. So I want to give everyone the name of someone who I have found truly exceptional. His name is David Gerken. He can be found on Medium. I return to David on a daily basis. What makes David exceptional is the simple approach he takes to giving advice. He too talks about breathing, mediation etc. but his approach is very measured. Take a look, I believe you will be happy.
"neurodivergent" Hmm,.... I like that. I will google it soon. I have been doing a lot of reading online to get a better understanding of my new diagnosis. Trying to accept and come to terms with it, even if I dont completely understand it all yet.
Thank you for the support. I need it more than you know.
Well today was the 2nd day of my IOP(Intensive Outpatient Therapy). Talk a bout a rollercoaster session.
The group is made up of people there for different things and it is online (Thank God). Although my diagnosis is what it is or are what they are, the reason I am in the IOP is due to the inability to make it through a full work day without feeling overwhelmed.
Even the brightness of the computer screens wig me out. The loudness of the customers speech,...weird things that shouldnt matter.
Also I havent been able to leave my home in months. I stopped trying because of the fear that as overwhelmed as I get, I will have a public panic attack and be out there alone with nobody to help me.
Crowds wig me out, too much movement around me like in a store, too much sound,... if Im brushed against I literally jump out of my skin.
I get dizzy, tingly, hot, lightheaded, even feel like I have to go to the restroom. I shake soo bad and feel soo distorted that I just know that everything Im feeling on the inside can be seen by whoever I pass.
I power forward with a 10 & 2 mindstate as if I am driving a car. Keep your hands in the 10 and 2 position. I dont look left or right, just ahead....to scared to give up and just turn around and leave...then for sure it will be seen that something is definitely wrong. I power through, heavy breathing, sweating, trembling, unable to make eye contact with anyone...even the person at the register.
Its like every feeling is bitch slapping me and I cant hit back. Im just there, hoping I make it back to my care without dropping the bags, without having a meltdown, without crying. I fumble the bags in the most convent space I can. front seat, back seat...usually a toss over the front seat to the back, and I hot tail it home,..cigarette in hand, head spinning, foot heavy on the gas.
At least thats how it was the last time I ever tried to go grocery shopping.
My hope is that this IOP is the beginning of any since of normalcy for me....because at this point....I dont have any. And to add to alllll of that that was present before.....now I find out I have ADHD. Its a lot...but I'm trying. All I can do is be present and take the IOP serious, take my meds and pray.
What is a good depression medication that is sedating? I've been on Clomipramine for several years. It's an older, tricyclic and has been bad side effects.