Death of my wife: Don't know how to move on

Hi @charlieindia, I'm grateful that you posted your feelings honestly and openly. I have added your message to the Loss & Grief group (https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/) as well as the depression group and am tagging fellow members @tmmmrlts @debraannk @IndianaScott @guener and @anncgrl, who have, like you, lost a partner and may have had similar feelings. You are certainly not alone.

@charlieindia I am so sorry for you after the lost of your wife. I know you did everything for her for I can tell you are very loving person.
My experience of death was at age 18. I loved my husband and he ran around a lot, but did marry me, I loved him so much. He died of a car accident only after 11 days of being married and our best friend, who was only a Senior in High school, also died with him. Of course this has been 50 years ago. 1969. They will always be in my heart. My mom commited suicide at age 69. I had lots of counseling.
So is that something you might want to do? It does help. I got remarried in 1971 almost too soon, so don't be in a hurry, but do start being friends with women that attract you. It's not too much of a chance they would die before you. I know it's scary. You may have to see a Psychitrist it wouldn't be bad to start on some medicine, since you do sound depressed. I am on Lexapro, Lamicatal, and klonopin. My family has mental illness in our family..
Even my son who is Bipolar 1 and we have no contact with him There's many things before that could have caused it. Bipolar 1. He had a wife who is controlling, I'm glad she's with him, but I feel that's one reason we no contact. They have an 8 year old daughter, which was born on my birthday. I haven't seen her since she was 3, except for skyping at her grand mothers in Chicago But this year my son and his wife with my granddaughter are not going to Chicago because of the Covid-19. They are both professors, but my son can't teach because of his illness, but his wife is a very successful and got her tenour (SP) at Duke, but live in NYC now and she at Columbia. She even talked my son out of coming to Iowa for hie grandmothers funeral. We can't mail anything to them and have to mail it to the other grandmother in Chicago and she forwards it.to my Marlowe (granddaughter
I'm sorry for talkng so much about me. Take care, You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

@charlieindia So sorry for your loss. You were there for her when she needed you most and that is a special love.

Thank you for these encouraging and comforting words. i will consider going for counselling. I'am sorry too for the loss of your husband and mother. it may have been long time but memories don't age.

Thank you. I feel better there people who feel i did what i could do. i appreciate these words

Hello @charlieindia I am sorry to read of the loss of your wife. I am Scott and I lost my wife a couple years ago after her 14+ year war with brain cancer. During those years I was her caregiver and also often had feelings, which still surface, that I could have, or should have, done more than I did. Guilt, doubt, and anxiety are emotions all too common of with caregivers I believe! We do our best in each situation and each day, but often I would find myself questioning if it had been enough when I'd finally fall, exhausted, into bed. Now I like to say 'superheroes only exist in he comics! Superman and Wonder Woman weren't caregivers!'

You also touch on another subject I struggle with, which is grief. Early on I got sucked into the belief one had to follow someone's supposed 'steps of grief' that are often promoted to us as the right or only way to grieve. It wasn't until I threw that book away that I personally started to believe one's grieving is as unique as was the love we hold for our lost loved one. I became much less anxious over how I was feeling each day once I accepted I could grieve in my own, unique way and that was just fine. I continue to take my grieving slow and as it occur in my life. After all the years I had done nothing but be a caregiver, I began a list of things I could do that I had put off. Wrote letters to friends, visited our adult children, read books, did a few way overdue home maintenance projects, and eventually expanded (pre-pandemic) to visiting a couple of distant friends who had been stalwart supporters of my wife and/or me.

I also discovered Connect and the Caregiver group, which allowed me to open up far more about caregiving and my feelings as an electronic form of therapy, which works for me. I hope to read more from you in the future!

Unfortunately I have no advice on dating. Personally, I'm comfortable right now with my life. I am lucky to have a couple good friends and since March have been called on to take care of additional family members in need during the pandemic. Also I have found (again probably just me) that after so many years of constantly being on call 24/7/365 as a caregiver I enjoy being just in charge of me.

Strength, Courage, and Peace

@charlieindia I'm so glad you feel better. I noticed Scott sent you a message and it must of helped. You are a great man and I know you will be okay it may just be awhile to go through grieving. And again you did everything you could do and probably did more.

I was the primary caregiver for my husband who was first dx with mild cognitive impairment about 15 years ago. As dementia set in, it was difficult to make medical decisions for him. He had non-Hodgekins lymphoma and Afib as well as heart failure. A cardiologist wanted to do surgery to put in a filter to catch blood clots. The hemotologist felt he would have to go back on chemo before any heart surgery.. Having been in a support group at the Alzheimer's Association I saw the results of people who had been hospitalized and that was not good. They never got back to the point they were at before hospitalization.
I knew his anxiety level was high, he had spent two days in the hospital due to being admitted for an irregular heart beat, no surgery. I had told both doctors no for further treatment. At the hospital the hemotologist that saw him suggested I enroll him in a home hospice program which I did. That was the end of August. He died January 2, 2020. As probably all caregivers of people with dementia know, I found it stressful in responding to him because I never knew who I was in his eyes..Sometmes I was his sister, his cousin, some unknown person. The Alzheimer's Association said to get in his world. Not knowing what world that was, I just responded as me. While driving him to an appointment, he said, "I'm so glad Barb isn't driving! When she drives I have to hold on for dear life." What could I do? I just laughed and agreed with him! Being a caregiver is an awesome job but we had talked about wanting to die at home years before and that home hospice program allowed for great home medical care and fulfillment of that desire. I do see a therapist and I have a marvelous PCP helping me through the grieving process but the greatest help for me by far is my spiritual life and dependency on God for comfort and healing. May you open up your faith life to a new level to help you during this time.

@charlieindia Thank you for your kind words. See I told you were a wonderful man or you wouldn't have written about my husband and my mom. My dad's name was Charlie. Love to you and healing too. Lets keep connected.

Thank Scot, Am touched and encouraged by your sad loss of your dear wife and sorry for that. Amazing words of encouragement. You have outlined almost all my feelings. It really helps to heal when you share your situation with others. My wife left me with 4 believed children at the ages 11,8, 6 and 2 years 6 months. She answered the Lords call on 12/7/2011. I raised them all by myself with no single assistance from all family members. This made the gap she left too big to fill up. The children are now grown up though still in schools. the older one has just enrolled in University to study medicine. Her aim is be a doctor to assist the vulnerable and the elderly.God has been very merciful to me and my children. My kids are my source of strength and keep me going they always cheer me up when am down.