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jodeej
@jodeej

Posts: 341
Joined: Jan 13, 2018

Dealing with additional stressors

Posted by @jodeej, Wed, Feb 28 1:44pm

Hi all,
I just need to vent a minute. My in-laws are moving from their home of 54 years to an apartment. They were informed that there was one available earlier this month. I talked to my mother-in-law earlier today and it doesn't sound like she has done any sorting or packing yet. I'm assuming that my husband and I will be making a couple trips to help them besides the day we help with moving. It is a 2 hour drive one way. (Thankfully towards Rochester if we get the call!) There are other family members in the same town, so I don't know if she hasn't asked for help or has turned it down. I just know that I really don't need this on top of what we have already!!

Thanks…I needed that. 😉
JoDee

REPLY

Oh my, @jodeej, that is a lot to handle on top of waiting for a transplant for your husband.
I'm tagging a few fellow caregivers, @IndianaScott @sallysue @juani @harriethodgson1, who may have experiences with helping parents downsizing and moving to a new place.

Jodee, I sure understand your frustration that they are not helping themselves. This is a good place to vent. Glad you did.

@colleenyoung the good part about it is that the house is going to a family member, but it's still a lot that need to get done. .I'm sure the person getting it would like to be able to move it with all their grandparents stuff still in it! We are going on Saturday to help and will see what has been taken care of so far.

Thanks for listening! 🙂

Dear Jo Dee, I haven't had the experience you mentioned but I am glad you are venting your feelings. This is one of the great things about this support group: feeling free of judgement to just recognize that sometimes we are overwhelmed. And that at the end we do what we can do. We are not wonder people. We are just human beings with limitations that have been placed in the very special and privileged position of caring for others. But sometimes we have an imaginary, ideal, unrealistic model we try to follow only to end up exhausted and frustrated and feeling miserable. All this with high costs for us and for those we try to care for. So, I would invite you to be compassionate with yourself, accept you are not omnipotent nor perfect, and be realistic with what you can and you can't do. Even though it seems like you should do every thing. And those things that you can do, do them with love, out of love for you and the other. Also, try to live one day at a time. We have to do some planning ahead. But I have learned no to overdo it. Things change. And sometimes that future we had imagine simply doesn't come real. In the meantime we have spent a lot of emotional energy, pointlessly. Finally, give the others the possibility of doing things for themselves (might feel like you don't care at the beginning but the feeling of self reliance and independence can be very rewarding and invogirating for those we care), as well as give other relatives and friends the possibility of sharing the opportunity of feeling useful. Sometimes all it takes is just to be patient and to wait for them to take the initiative. They might not do things like us, different standards, criteria, timing but….it's ok. And sometimes it can be better ;-). Blessings and peace.

I built a wheelchair accessible townhome for my disabled husband and me, his primary caregiver. Construction progressed while my husband was hospitalized for 8 months. I divided big jobs into small ones. I asked my church for help 4 cars pulled up in front of the house the next morning. Church volunteers moved all of our books, our clothing, and assembled shelves and bar chairs I had ordered. Fortunately, I had moved many times before and knew how to do it. I moved all the kitchen items myself. My grandkids (we raised them after their parents died in separate car crashes) moved lots of furniture for me. To move the last items I hired Two Men and a Truck for $350, a low price because our townhome was only a few blocks away from our old house. My advice: make lists, divide jobs into small segments, and ask for help.

Thank you for sharing the experience and how you broke it down into those steps and under those circumstances of everyone pulling together. I will be moving again in about 9 months. And the thought seems daunting until I read how you did it. I hope I can reach out and ask for help and be so organised. It’s nice to hear when things go smoothly in the unexpected world of caregiving. God Bless you.

Hi there, I hope things go smooth today, I just responded to a carer who shared about how she organised people to help her and her husband move, I thought I hope I can reach out and ask for help when I need to as I will be moving within a year. Asking for help, why is it so hard or why do we not think just to do it. Make phone calls, some people can help , others may not be able to , the hardest part is to sit wondering, or to assume or have unspoken expectations. It’s hard when it all seems to be coming to me at once but I don’t have to take it all on board today. Good luck , I hope you find people who can help, I hope I can be organised and ask for help. Because if I burn out I’m good to no one. Especially me.

I made three of lists, KEEP, GIVE, SELL. Since I knew the dimensions of our townhome rooms, I also made lists of the furniture that would go in each room. Early on, I started getting rid of things I couldn't store in our new home, such as 100 cookbooks, extra-large bowls, pictures, etc. I donated so many items to Goodwill the intake person asked, "What do you have for us today?"

@harriethodgson1

I built a wheelchair accessible townhome for my disabled husband and me, his primary caregiver. Construction progressed while my husband was hospitalized for 8 months. I divided big jobs into small ones. I asked my church for help 4 cars pulled up in front of the house the next morning. Church volunteers moved all of our books, our clothing, and assembled shelves and bar chairs I had ordered. Fortunately, I had moved many times before and knew how to do it. I moved all the kitchen items myself. My grandkids (we raised them after their parents died in separate car crashes) moved lots of furniture for me. To move the last items I hired Two Men and a Truck for $350, a low price because our townhome was only a few blocks away from our old house. My advice: make lists, divide jobs into small segments, and ask for help.

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@harriethodgson1 I wish they went to church so we could get some help from there for them! We have plenty of help for moving day, it's the sitting off the 54 years of stuff that they need help with right now. There is family that lives in the same town but no one has been there to help yet. I guess I'll need to see if I can rally the troops.

So I just put out a Facebook message to the family. I'll see what I get for a response.
Thank you so much for the input!

@harriethodgson1

I built a wheelchair accessible townhome for my disabled husband and me, his primary caregiver. Construction progressed while my husband was hospitalized for 8 months. I divided big jobs into small ones. I asked my church for help 4 cars pulled up in front of the house the next morning. Church volunteers moved all of our books, our clothing, and assembled shelves and bar chairs I had ordered. Fortunately, I had moved many times before and knew how to do it. I moved all the kitchen items myself. My grandkids (we raised them after their parents died in separate car crashes) moved lots of furniture for me. To move the last items I hired Two Men and a Truck for $350, a low price because our townhome was only a few blocks away from our old house. My advice: make lists, divide jobs into small segments, and ask for help.

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Family is family and the troops should rally.

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