Connect
Damnable ADHD!
Having undiagnosed ADHD until I was forty caused severe, lasting trauma and widespread damage. With Harvard and Radcliffe (Summa Cum Laude-with a photographic memory) graduates for parents, who worshipped at the feet of Education, with a preset, fixed, future role for their only son, they would release what practically mimicked a demonic assault on their only beloved son. Without warning by the age of 8, I became a "God-Damned, Son-of-a-Bitch, spoiled rotten, lazy, worthless, kid" for refusing to do my schoolwork. My entire family was jolted and sent railing for decades for my refusal to apply myself, to reject a Harvard education, a Rhodes Scholarship, completing my education at Oxford, eventually running a major corporation and finally winning the Presidency. They were devastated by me. I had unwittingly and singlehandedly nearly destroyed them. My ADHD left me bewildered, bruised, and confused with a lifelong need to hate myself. I figured, even as a young boy, if I only I could hate myself sufficiently, I would repent and become the man they intended. With enough self-hatred I could fashion myself in their image of what I was destined to become and at last relieve their suffering, their excessive drinking, shouting, accusing, fighting and their bitterness and tragic disappointment in their own lives.
I spent a decade sitting in classrooms without hearing the lessons taught, without reading the assignments, without following along in classroom discussions. No one recognized I was unable to attend to the daily demands of schooling. They did know that I was no good. In fact, I was evil. They made it clear how terrible I was hourly, daily, weekly, month by month, year by year.
One dose of Ritalin at 40 was proof--within 30 minutes--I wasn't to blame.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.
Connect
Sounds as though your driven parents could have triggered your ADHD, or at least made it worse. My story is similar, shared here only to let you know others of us got hammered too.
My parents were uneducated, and thought berating and beating would bring out the best in their children. Never good enough. Always stupid (national merit honor society, jr. Arista, Arista, Service award, NYC first place in journalism, all boro orchestra [violin], law school, Court Magistrate published in NY Law Journal, married 52 years, terrific kids, and beautiful grandchildren). Still berated. They are long gone now, leaving me to figure out the truth for myself, with some anger for having my authtic life stolen from me all those years. All good now. Chin up!
When a child struggles in school or is not happy there, my first thought is what is the reason…..get assessment to see how it can be remedied. Sorry all the smart people didn’t think of that.
@shmerdloff
Damn shame. Congrats on all your accomplishments! You should be very proud. Sorry they missed out on the joy of watching you succeed.
Do you have ADHD? Folks/kids with ADHD often struggle with low self-esteem. To pile on negative, harsh, damning words directed at the sufferer only drives home and exacerbate the pain gnawing away at our core. That pain runs deep within and often will continue to haunt us throughout the rest of our lives. It is a phenomenon common among us. We may not remember why/how it got there, but we will recognize it's there when others refer to it. Oh yea, I have that pain that never goes away.
I suspect the underlying bio-chemical-electrical malfunctioning in my brain was not impacted directly by the barrage of attacks. Coping with the shame, the torture of failing over and over, coupled with the humiliation of public exposure without an empathetic adult's help, well that is as damning as hell.