1. < Prostate Cancer

Confused and sad

Posted by kayefo @kayefo, Jan 26, 2023

I am 55 and dated a man who is the same age for 7 months. He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer in October and I have not seen him since. The only correspondence is via text if I initiate it. He had 30 rounds of radiation. I told him I would wait and I have. He is now saying he doesn’t want to date, he has changed both mentally and physically, he has no sexual desire due to the radiation and is mentally not right. I knew ED was a possible side affect and I fine with it. I just want to be in his life even if just friends. We enjoyed the same things and had so much fun together. I have to realize I am the same person and he has changed. It is so hard and painful. I love this man.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Jan 29, 2023

@kayefo, I wanted to tag you to ensure you see the helpful and kind posts you've received from members like @stage4wife @web265 @bfg1 @proftom2 @rshap1031 @davinik @narus and more.

Others have given wise counsel as why that may be. Cancer can be very isolating. He's been thrown into a strange world and likely doesn't want to be a burden or even to be taken care of.

It's good to hear that he allows some communication via texting. I know it is hard that you always have to be the person who initiates the text conversation. I might suggest (from my experience with a teenager) to not only text with a question. Text sometimes just to say "I'm thinking of you." or something non-cancer related, like "The sun is shining today and I really enjoed drinking my tea while watching the birds at the feeder." or something that you like together. Obviously, I don't know if you drink tea or if he like birds. 🙂 So use your own words.

Kay, do you find yourself texting with questions to him or do you also share what you're doing or thinking?

REPLY
1 reply
bettwils16 | @bettwils16 | Jan 30, 2023
In reply to @web265 "I think I'm with @stage4wife here. Just be honest and tell him that. When I went..." + (show)
@web265

I think I'm with @stage4wife here. Just be honest and tell him that.

When I went through treatment, my wife and I had been married for 30 years. If we didn't have that long loving relationship, (she is absolutely amazing in many ways), I don't know how we would have gotten through it together. It's difficult and when you are diagnosed, then deal with the after effects, it's absolutely a punch in the gut. It has to change one, at least temporarily. My wife gave me what I like to call "caring space", she let me alone most of the time but patiently listened to me complain when I had to. I would hate to think of going through this completely alone, hopefully your friend has some family around.

If he had radiation, he's probably also on a drug which essentially destroy's his body's ability to produce testosterone, he likely has no sex drive at all, or very little. The taking of that drug will be temporary, but, depending on his medical team likely somewhere between 6 mos to 2 years. I would think that at his age, once the drugs are out of his system, some, if not all of that drive may return.

If he was diagnosed in Oct, he was likely not completely finished the radiation until sometime in Dec at least. Now at the end of January he's likely just recovering from the side effects of the radiation itself, mine weren't horrible but it effects people differently. Since this is his primary treatment, his dosage of radiation was likely higher than mine was. He could have had some irritable bowel type of issues. In some people, it can also cause almost debilitating fatigue. My radiation oncologist said normally it can take 6-8 weeks for the side effects to subside significantly. My point being, he's still pretty early in the recovery from radiation phase.

I would suggest giving him time as well to heal both mentally and physically. Perhaps, suggest a get together where he wouldn't feel any pressure sexually, Meet for coffee when he would know you have limited time or something like that. Something less "date like" than you are used to. Maybe a breakfast?

It sound to me like he may be "shooting himself in the foot" as we used to say by staying away from you. Obviously have to move on with your life at some point for your own mental health, but, generously texting him a good word once in a while may be good therapy for him as well.

Best of luck to both you and him!

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Well said!

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jrhamp | @jrhamp | Jan 30, 2023

Because the issues are so important in so many ways, do take time to select the treatment best suited to your condition. This means procuring multiple opinions of treatment after the diagnosis is confirmed and validated.

How many men have taken their doctors advise to proceed with surgery when some other sort of protocol would of been much better.

Always get a second or even third opinion on any medical issue which could be life changing.

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kayefo | @kayefo | Feb 1, 2023
In reply to @colleenyoung "@kayefo, I wanted to tag you to ensure you see the helpful and kind posts you've..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

@kayefo, I wanted to tag you to ensure you see the helpful and kind posts you've received from members like @stage4wife @web265 @bfg1 @proftom2 @rshap1031 @davinik @narus and more.

Others have given wise counsel as why that may be. Cancer can be very isolating. He's been thrown into a strange world and likely doesn't want to be a burden or even to be taken care of.

It's good to hear that he allows some communication via texting. I know it is hard that you always have to be the person who initiates the text conversation. I might suggest (from my experience with a teenager) to not only text with a question. Text sometimes just to say "I'm thinking of you." or something non-cancer related, like "The sun is shining today and I really enjoed drinking my tea while watching the birds at the feeder." or something that you like together. Obviously, I don't know if you drink tea or if he like birds. 🙂 So use your own words.

Kay, do you find yourself texting with questions to him or do you also share what you're doing or thinking?

Jump to this post

I share things with him. We are supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow night - it’s been months since I have seen him.

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1 reply
betteroutdoors | @betteroutdoors | Nov 1, 2023
In reply to @melcanada "Forget sex and stop testosterone the fertilizer of PC Else you have 10 fingers and a..." + (show)
@melcanada

Forget sex and stop testosterone the fertilizer of PC Else you have 10 fingers and a tongue to use if its so important versus staying this side of the grass

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What a flippant response to a question about an aspect to life that means a great deal to many of us. Please don’t diminish the loss of one one of life’s great joys. Of course, adjustments in this area are important and they do take the sting off from the loss of penetrative sex, but the tone of your post is dismissive.

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2 replies
melcanada | @melcanada | Nov 1, 2023

That is what they say at many clinics choose life on this side of the grass
Take the medicines and stay alive I have stage 4 mets to the spine plus radiation to L2 lumbar

I have 1 inch in my L1 and spots in my T 10 T 11 Will not radiate again

I pray every day for next year On Zolodex, Xtandi Xgeva and KT9 + D

BTW I posted that many months ago Did you just see it now

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klaken | @klaken | Nov 2, 2023
In reply to @betteroutdoors "What a flippant response to a question about an aspect to life that means a great..." + (show)
@betteroutdoors

What a flippant response to a question about an aspect to life that means a great deal to many of us. Please don’t diminish the loss of one one of life’s great joys. Of course, adjustments in this area are important and they do take the sting off from the loss of penetrative sex, but the tone of your post is dismissive.

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I had my prostate removed in 1995. This resulted in impotence, but the support at Mayo finally resulted in an implant. The model AMS700. I’m now 78 years old and still find it satisfying. Sexual intimacy is a critical component of one’s health. Best wishes,
Keith

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1 reply
jrobitai | @jrobitai | Nov 2, 2023
In reply to @kayefo "I share things with him. We are supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow night - it’s..." + (show)
@kayefo

I share things with him. We are supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow night - it’s been months since I have seen him.

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You are a very rare, caring & special person! Thank you for being a ray of sunshine esp. in this man's life!

As a guy w/a pending RARP & can say I'm a bit worried about loosing my 'manhood' & realize how much I've defined myself because of my virility & suspect many guys do.

IDK but suspect radiation, hormones etc probably exacerbate this.

At the end of the day we need people who love & care - it sounds like you can be this.

I'd suggest gently asserting yourself & your feelings and see if he comes around.

Conversely, be careful to protect your heart as well - that you don't get sucked into an unhealthy relationship.

JMHO - good luck!

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michaelcharles | @michaelcharles | Nov 2, 2023
In reply to @betteroutdoors "What a flippant response to a question about an aspect to life that means a great..." + (show)
@betteroutdoors

What a flippant response to a question about an aspect to life that means a great deal to many of us. Please don’t diminish the loss of one one of life’s great joys. Of course, adjustments in this area are important and they do take the sting off from the loss of penetrative sex, but the tone of your post is dismissive.

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Flippant is commenting 8 mos later to a post, whick clearly indicates that you know nothing about the person.
Melcanada is fighting advanced cancer and has been a supportive commentator to many for years.
Make the effort to read his many posts on many threads, and then keep your negative comments to yourself.

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1 reply
betteroutdoors | @betteroutdoors | Nov 4, 2023
In reply to @klaken "I had my prostate removed in 1995. This resulted in impotence, but the support at Mayo..." + (show)
@klaken

I had my prostate removed in 1995. This resulted in impotence, but the support at Mayo finally resulted in an implant. The model AMS700. I’m now 78 years old and still find it satisfying. Sexual intimacy is a critical component of one’s health. Best wishes,
Keith

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Hi Keith,
I’m so happy for you! Your response is certainly heartening, and we are looking into this option now.
All the best to you!
Betteroutdoors

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