Compound Grief--how to cope?

Posted by jdr04172022 @jrolando, Jul 15 10:21am

Hi everyone,
I am experiencing what my therapist calls "compound grief" because I have experienced 2 losses in 3 weeks. The first was my 5 year relationship with my partner. We have extreme love for each other and thought we would have each other forever, but at the end of the day, seperation was the right thing to do for the both of us. Even though I miss him every day and still love him the same, I know it's the best thing for me.
The second was 2 weeks later, my family lost a very very close family friend. One week after my breakup, this friend was put into a coma after a tragic firework accident. He was supposed to recover; doctors were very confident about his state. One week after, he suddenly passed away. He was only 21 years old and very close with my brothers.
I don't know how to cope with both losses at once. It all happened in such a short period of time. How does the world keep spinning? How am I supposed to continue each day, go to work, take care of myself, with this giant cloud of grief haunting me?
I'm not great at journaling and I have a hard time opening up to my friends and family when I know everyone is going through their own stuff. I see my therapy bi-weekly and that's just not enough.
I'm looking for self-care tips, coping strategies, anything to help me get through the days. It would be much appreciated.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

jdr04172022 | @jrolando | Jul 28 12:42pm

We just had a "celebration of life" on 7/26 for my family friend and it was very emotional. On one hand, so so many people showed up for him. He made such a positive impact on everyone he met and it was heartwarming to see so many people gathered out of love for him. on the other hand, what a tragic way to reunite such a big community. I cried for hours with my family and friends and think about our friend every day. Now I am helping my family prepare for my grandma's funeral on 7/30. This week is just too much for me. I don't even know what to do with myself and I'm even more scared for what it's going to be like after the funeral services are over. The silence and absence of 2 of our loved ones is terrifying.
I'm still in therapy and trying to take more walks outside and play with my cat, but at the end of the day, all I do is cry. Wish i could hit the reset button on this month.

dmr4ever | @dmr4ever | Aug 8 12:21pm

Compound losses are difficult to manage. Seeing your therapist bi-weekly is a very good idea. You can do everything right and still struggle. It may help to allow yourself to grieve without judging yourself.

Over a decade ago I went through a messy divorce, lost my mother and cared for my adult daughter through several surgeries as she became disabled due to a work injury. I was promoted at work in the middle of this but the new department was terribly dysfunctional.

The most helpful thing I learned in therapy was to sit with my grief and anxiety knowing I would be ok. It’s a long journey. Being kind to yourself is important. I tried grounding and mindfulness which helped a bit. But not as much as simply allowing myself to grieve with the idea that the grief isn’t something to avoid.

This practice has helped me cope over the last 10 years as new issues arise. I went through cancer treatment three years ago. And remarkably, the technique was a huge help. It sounds trite but allow yourself to think the sad and difficult thoughts, allow yourself to cry. Give yourself permission. Grant yourself the time and grace to feel. Remember feelings are not who you are but how you feel in the moment. Allow the moment to pass.

Sharing your feelings with others isn’t always helpful depending on whether or not those people are capable of listening for understanding as opposed to listening to give advice. If you know someone who you believe to be able to listen it may help to share. But some people are incapable of understanding. They may unintentionally say hurtful things or be insensitive. Your therapist is the best person to help you navigate your emotions.

Also, I like support groups because I learn from other people’s struggles. Often it gives me insight into my own mistakes and misunderstandings. Support groups are not for everyone but it could be worth a try.