Caring for a depressed teenager

Good morning,I am terribly sorry that you are going through this horrific time with your 17 y.o. son.I too am going through the exact thing with my 15 y.o. son.I haven't put him on any medications yet.Not sure which safe enough.I'm afraid of making matters worse! I looking and praying for answers for us all.Now looking into CBT therapy, and possibly home schooling.I wish you and your son the best and lots of hugs!

Hi, @hlvslp72,

Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. As a fellow mom, my heart goes out to you with the depression and anxiety your 17-year-old son has been facing and how it has affected your family. That is very tough he avoids going anywhere, talks about how ugly he is, says he “can’t enjoy anything,” and has a roller coaster of emotions. I am so sorry you feel as though you are hitting a wall with trying to pull him out of the depressive moods so often.

Some Connect members I hope will join this discussion to provide support as well as advice, thoughts and experiences to help you and your family support your 17-year-old son include @dd1931 @rmftucker @krisgrab @merpreb @harleneq @america. I think that @windwalker and @gailb will have some thoughts for you, too.

Will you share a bit more about how this depression and anxiety in your son has affected your family, @hlvslp72?

@hlvslp72 - Hi and I feel for you so much. We have experienced anxiety, depression and panic disorder with my Grandson. My suggestion if you have not already done so is to get him genetically tested for his psychotropic medications ASAP. We just found out recently per that test that the medication my Grandson was on was not right for him. He has weaned off it and just last week started one on the list of approved meds for him. It has to do with how the liver metabolizes the drug. To me the number one most important thing is to be on the correct med(s). It was done through CAMH in Toronto. It is a saliva test and cost nothing -the results were sent to his doctor. I think this is done in other places-just Google Genetic Testing for Psychotropic Medications.
Good luck and best wishes
Ainsleigh

@harleneq- Hi- Please see my response to @hlvslp72. I would suggest you get him to a Psychiatrist ASAP and also get the genetic testing done so he can be on the correct medication.
Good luck and best wishes
Ainsleigh

@hlvslp72, @harleneq, @ainsleigh.
I know that parenting a teen can be complicated and stressful, even in the best of times. And when any kind of a chronic condition is involved (mental or physical) it is easy to see how it might affect the entire household. Your teens are fortunate that you are at their sides during this difficult time. I have located this Health/Patient Care Information from Mayo about Teen Depression that I want to share with you. One important thing that I read is that,"Teen depression isn't a weakness or something that can be overcome with willpower — it can have serious consequences and requires long-term treatment. For most teens, depression symptoms ease with treatment such as medication and psychological counseling."
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/teen-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20350985
I am happy that you have all connected here. I believe in the power of learning from each other and supporting each other. And most important is just knowing that you are not alone!
I used to teach, and when medication is correctly prescribed, the dosage regulated and coordinated with meaningful counseling - it can bs effective.

Have you considered a psychologist and psychologist who specializes in adolescents?

@helvslp, Hi there. Boy oh boy, do I feel your pain on this one. Your story sounds exactly like mine, except my child is a daughter. I had her online home schooled as well from the 10th grade onward. She would NOT go to school no matter what. Amazingly, she did get a BA degree in Advertising at a University. I have experienced everything you mentioned concerning your son. It is heartbreaking. My daughter is now 31 and just started back to work last month after having been out of the workforce for a year. She works hard all week and then hibernates in her room all weekend. She turns off her phone and ignores the world all weekend. This is worrisome to me. I am so sad for her. She is drop dead gorgeous, and has a personality and humor that doesn't quit. She should be out with friends enjoying her youth. She has never been genetically tested before; I had never even heard of that. I am so glad that this group got started; I wish it had been around back when I was dealing with all of this when she was in high school. It is really weird, my two siblings, myself, and all of my first cousins on my dad's side has a child with the depression and anxiety. It seems there is so much of it going on with the kids today. Is it purely from genetics? Is it from pesticides or fructose in our food, or is it that technology changes so rapidly that they have to be in constant flux? My husband, my daughter's stepdad, didn't understand mental illness either. He would expect her to "Snap out of it.". Or say she was spoiled and lazy. I enrolled us in the 'Family To Family' class through an organization called NAMI. It is a 12 week course, once a week, and free. Wow! What an eye opener that was. It helped my hubby to understand better as well. Just about every city and town has a NAMI chapter. It is well worth looking into. They also have a support group available for the parents as well as the kids. I had been told to be cautious of putting your child in a teen support group because many tend to self medicate and will introduce your child to drugs.

I speak as the child you have and has now grown elderly. I can relate so much with everything mentioned here. You have all given good advice. I struggled with depression and anxiety, was shy and had a father who did not understand. I have gone through the problem of medications stop working. Here are some observations from me from a lifetime of dealing with this.
I made it through. It was tough, but I made it. All is not hopeless. If I can, so can others.
Be aware that just being there and caring makes a lot of difference.
This is a difficult time of adjustment for your teenager. Adjusting from child to adult is not easy. Your child will amaze you in the changes they can make.
Telling your child about how you had difficulties in your teenager years and how you made it through can help a lot. You did it so there is hope they can.
This time of change will come to an end when your child reaches there twenties and gets established as an adult. If your child gets a lot better and then when they get into their 30s or 40s and then has problems again, it may be a genetic predisposition to depression. This is especially true if there is a history of depression and anxiety in a parent and their ancestors. I can trace this back to my g-great grandfather. Asking questions of your parents and grandparents about this can be done, but be careful to explain you are doing it to help with your child's treatment, and not because you are trying to blame.
Fathers are taught that a male is tough and a male makes it through. Mothers are taught that they are determiners of the child you love. Both perspectives are good and needed. Fathers can and do change their beliefs in their children as mine did. Mothers can accept that not all things are your fault and that we all are born with some kind of genetic predisposition that can cause problems. We all have lived through them.
Medication that stops working was a common thing with me. We all react differently to our meds. With me it was not metabolizing the meds effectively. Thus an increase was not enough for me. Only recently my doctors discovered I needed a lot more. My medication usually is dosed at 20-40 mg. I am now taking 150 mg. This, as I said, is very variable according to the person. Genetic testing can help. Also my doctors say you can just see what happens. If the patient sees the meds stop working, it can be a sign that factors, including genetics, are at work and indicate the necessity of increasing the dosage until it finally works again. Some meds work on others, but will on you, and vice versa. So yes genetic testing can help determine what is the best for the patient. Again just trying different ones will show this. I say this because not everyone can get the test or afford to get the test.
In the end I made it through and am still making it through. Our knowledge on this has expanded so much. When I was a child the idea of chemical causes was just starting to be theorized. There were no antidepressants. And yet I made it through. How much more can today's child make it through. I was shy, now I test right in the middle of shyness and extroverted. I was depressed and now though I still have some problems, it is no longer overwhelming. I can lead a somewhat normal life as long as I continue to take my meds.
Keep up the great work you are doing in helping your child through this.

Hello @hlvslp72, Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Our son will be 49 this year. When he was about 13 he went through a lot of the same things. He was always super smart and much more so than dad. When he was in the 5th grade during the summer he went to a chess camp and ended up being the champion. He played me twice and then wouldn't play with me anymore and when I asked him why he said sorry dad it's too easy when I play you. He started having problems in the 7th grade and spent a year in a hospital ward seeing psychiatrists, trying different treatments until they finally through their hands up and said there was nothing they could do. We had to take him to a state hospital and it was pretty much a low point in both my wife's and my life. Probably one of the times I had contemplated suicide but couldn't because of my son and my wife.

When we meet with the social worker at the state hospital I pretty much thought it was a permanent thing. I think the social worker figured this out and told us point blank I don't know what you are thinking but this is not a forever thing. We are here to teach these kids how to live in the real world on their own and teach them coping skills. We were not allowed to visit him for 30 days and he hated every minute of the 6 months he was there. It was a God send because he did come home different. He had several relapses and met regularly with his doctor who tried several new drugs and finally was able to help him. The world of mental health has improved 10 fold since those years so I am really hopeful for you. I know what you must be going through and I feel for you. One of the best things my wife and I did was find a local support group with parents who were facing similar challenges. The support group was part of NAMI - https://www.nami.org/. I would recommend seeing if you can find a local support group if possible.

Our son is doing great now but he has his challenges. He still lives with us but he has always been able to keep a job and provide for his needs. Keep up the great work supporting and advocating for your son and make sure you take care of yourselves too.

John

First off, let me say I don't have any children. That said, I can only offer my observations from a distance. Growing up is not for sissies, just like growing old is not for sissies. It's important that we recognize as a young person goes through so many hormonal, physical and mental challenges there are bound to be rocky parts in the road. It seems parents have the responsibility, duty and privilege [yes, absolutely privilege] to guide their child through this maze of aging into an adult. I believe that patience and humor is needed along with feet that will stand on morals and not give in. It seems that these days such like @johnbishop stated there are so many more resources available. I wish they had been available when I was growing up. The problems I have that continue to this day would not be as severe as they are. I sincerely wish the best of luck to all parents, caregivers and the young people so that they come out of this as strong as people, more loving people.
Ginger

@gingerw I agree with what you said My son is now 45 But when he was an adolescent I was going through menopause We had a lot of clashes I even put him out of the car once. But with love you can conquer all. We had hard times but also as you said humor was always keep with us. It is hard believe me to raise teenagers they go through a lot but with love you can conquer it If they need help yes find it . Fortunately the only help my son needed was tutor in math .