Caregiver burnout and my Dad who I have been caring for 24/7 fired me

Posted by jenniferla @jenniferla, 1 day ago

For the past 6 years I have dedicated my life caring for my Dad without help or support from family or his friends. It took 3 years from the initial application to get approved through the VA Caregivers Program to get some financial assistance. It hasn’t been a year since the VA approval and my Dad just “fired” me and has been putting me through emotional and verbal abuse throughout the 6 years. I am extremely depressed and hurt. Now he has managed to find 10 people to do what I’ve done all along and he wants nothing to do with me.

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It sounds like you did all that one person could have done. Your efforts may not have been appreciated by your father, but I believe he is definitely better off because of your efforts (with the care you gave and the VA approval you accomplished). I commend you for your steadfast support in spite of the verbal abuse. You are a real hero.

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@royce

It sounds like you did all that one person could have done. Your efforts may not have been appreciated by your father, but I believe he is definitely better off because of your efforts (with the care you gave and the VA approval you accomplished). I commend you for your steadfast support in spite of the verbal abuse. You are a real hero.

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Thank you for your kind words. I’m trying to stay strong but I thought he loved me unconditionally. I offered to take care of him because I wanted to and it was the right thing to do no matter what. It’s tough letting go.

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I am sooo sorry to hear about this!! I know how hard it is to get the VA to do anything.. and thus.. you have managed a miracle and applause to you!! And big hugs concerning your father's treatment towards you.. after all you've done out of love!! Perhaps he is not in his right mind.. my husband used to yell at me and say horrible things he really didn't mean when he was so sick..once we were in the car trying to drive anyway home I could find that was not flooded and he ranted for over an hour.. screaming "how stupid are you".?? and lots of language... oh the language (he was 100% DAV Vietnam vet).I finally just said" David why are you trying to scare me"? and he replied "I didn't know I was doing that.." it is just heartbreaking!! I will pray for you and your all's relationship.. You are an amazing person..(you'd have to be..) just remember that!! Big hugs to you!!

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@standinginfaith

I am sooo sorry to hear about this!! I know how hard it is to get the VA to do anything.. and thus.. you have managed a miracle and applause to you!! And big hugs concerning your father's treatment towards you.. after all you've done out of love!! Perhaps he is not in his right mind.. my husband used to yell at me and say horrible things he really didn't mean when he was so sick..once we were in the car trying to drive anyway home I could find that was not flooded and he ranted for over an hour.. screaming "how stupid are you".?? and lots of language... oh the language (he was 100% DAV Vietnam vet).I finally just said" David why are you trying to scare me"? and he replied "I didn't know I was doing that.." it is just heartbreaking!! I will pray for you and your all's relationship.. You are an amazing person..(you'd have to be..) just remember that!! Big hugs to you!!

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It makes me sad to hear your story but at the same time I don’t feel so alone. Not that it makes it any better for us. I could go on and on what he has said and done to me which progressively got worse. His selfish narcissistic personality has consumed him. Honestly, I think being in Vietnam War and all the VA benefits he’s received over all these years has made him think he’s better than everyone else and can belittle others. I have deep respect and admiration for Americans who served and serve in the military. He never apologizes and thinks he’s right. He wants me to leave and have nothing to do with him. Now his son and his family is upstairs taking turns caring for him and I’m in the basement. Many times my mind gets very dark like I don’t want to live anymore. I talked to the VA caregiver support program coordinator about this too. 😭 Thank you for spending your time responding.

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@jenniferla

It makes me sad to hear your story but at the same time I don’t feel so alone. Not that it makes it any better for us. I could go on and on what he has said and done to me which progressively got worse. His selfish narcissistic personality has consumed him. Honestly, I think being in Vietnam War and all the VA benefits he’s received over all these years has made him think he’s better than everyone else and can belittle others. I have deep respect and admiration for Americans who served and serve in the military. He never apologizes and thinks he’s right. He wants me to leave and have nothing to do with him. Now his son and his family is upstairs taking turns caring for him and I’m in the basement. Many times my mind gets very dark like I don’t want to live anymore. I talked to the VA caregiver support program coordinator about this too. 😭 Thank you for spending your time responding.

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Oh my dear!! Well.. I was only married to Dave for 13 tears.. we married late in life and he had been single for 18 years.. for a reason..so..it was very difficult..one time I made him sign a paper that said "I will not "sniper mouth my wife anymore"..IDK what your fathers experience in Nam was.. Dave volunteered.. and go in the very worst of it.. 365 boots on the ground Army Infantry Big Red One Lha Khe 68-69..and since he was a full blood Cherokee.. he got to be "on point" ..too often..he shared some of the things he saw with me.. it would have made anyone deranged.. so I say all of this to say.. your father may seem "self consumed" and he probably is.. it is just so horrible for you to be in the BASEMENT !! Psalm 91 is what Kenneth Copeland refers to as the "soldier's Psalm".. I'm not sure what your beliefs are.. but it is a Psalm of protection and you might read it aloud over yourself and your father..the thoughts you are having..I understand completely..and they are not from God..I rebuke them from you in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!! (I hope you don't mind ..if you do..I'm doing it anyway.. I am fighting thoughts that are dark too..as I have been soo ill for such a long time.. but I know that God has a good plan for our lives.. He has one for yours too!!) Just say this when he smarts off at you....."don't mean nut'in"... that's "Nam talk" and he'll probably understand.. he isn't getting to you..you are a precious child of the most high God who created you very special.. claim it!! I am hugging you real tight right now!!

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@standinginfaith

Oh my dear!! Well.. I was only married to Dave for 13 tears.. we married late in life and he had been single for 18 years.. for a reason..so..it was very difficult..one time I made him sign a paper that said "I will not "sniper mouth my wife anymore"..IDK what your fathers experience in Nam was.. Dave volunteered.. and go in the very worst of it.. 365 boots on the ground Army Infantry Big Red One Lha Khe 68-69..and since he was a full blood Cherokee.. he got to be "on point" ..too often..he shared some of the things he saw with me.. it would have made anyone deranged.. so I say all of this to say.. your father may seem "self consumed" and he probably is.. it is just so horrible for you to be in the BASEMENT !! Psalm 91 is what Kenneth Copeland refers to as the "soldier's Psalm".. I'm not sure what your beliefs are.. but it is a Psalm of protection and you might read it aloud over yourself and your father..the thoughts you are having..I understand completely..and they are not from God..I rebuke them from you in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!! (I hope you don't mind ..if you do..I'm doing it anyway.. I am fighting thoughts that are dark too..as I have been soo ill for such a long time.. but I know that God has a good plan for our lives.. He has one for yours too!!) Just say this when he smarts off at you....."don't mean nut'in"... that's "Nam talk" and he'll probably understand.. he isn't getting to you..you are a precious child of the most high God who created you very special.. claim it!! I am hugging you real tight right now!!

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I will reread what you commented about Psalm 91 and make sense of it. I am down here with my 2 lil pups and it’s unbearably hot and humid esp for a basement while they are all living with ac upstairs. As far as his Vietnam tour he did have boots on ground but worked inside mostly with radio communication for the Army. His older brother Steve was on front lines in the Marines. He returned a lil nutty but not mean and cold. I liked my Uncle. Again, I feel bad saying all this because it sounds like I’m discrediting my Dad’s line of service. I really looked up to him all my life but he’s always treated me differently than his son with his second wife (who divorced him too). When I got into Bentley College he told me he couldn’t help me financially even with his good job and said I’d probably just get married and have children so why bother going.

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@jenniferla

I will reread what you commented about Psalm 91 and make sense of it. I am down here with my 2 lil pups and it’s unbearably hot and humid esp for a basement while they are all living with ac upstairs. As far as his Vietnam tour he did have boots on ground but worked inside mostly with radio communication for the Army. His older brother Steve was on front lines in the Marines. He returned a lil nutty but not mean and cold. I liked my Uncle. Again, I feel bad saying all this because it sounds like I’m discrediting my Dad’s line of service. I really looked up to him all my life but he’s always treated me differently than his son with his second wife (who divorced him too). When I got into Bentley College he told me he couldn’t help me financially even with his good job and said I’d probably just get married and have children so why bother going.

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Oh my ...again!! I am so sorry your father is that way..it's just so very sad..and unimaginable..I don't think you're discrediting your Dad's line of service..or even your Dad..I think he is treating you terribly.. one day he will surely regret it.. you seem so sweet and precious.. I am just lifting you up to the Lord in prayer..(I think you are a believer.. when I feel like I don't belong.. I remind myself that I do belong to the family of God as children of God thru Christ Jesus..I've had to do this many times and it really helps.. you are loved and you are precious!!) I'll be praying for you!!

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Hello,
I am so sorry . I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please know alot of us care so deeply and I certainly will listen. 🫂

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@standinginfaith

Oh my ...again!! I am so sorry your father is that way..it's just so very sad..and unimaginable..I don't think you're discrediting your Dad's line of service..or even your Dad..I think he is treating you terribly.. one day he will surely regret it.. you seem so sweet and precious.. I am just lifting you up to the Lord in prayer..(I think you are a believer.. when I feel like I don't belong.. I remind myself that I do belong to the family of God as children of God thru Christ Jesus..I've had to do this many times and it really helps.. you are loved and you are precious!!) I'll be praying for you!!

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Many many thanks to you! You are warming my heart. 🥰

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@sillyblone

Hello,
I am so sorry . I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please know alot of us care so deeply and I certainly will listen. 🫂

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Really? Thank you. I didn’t know if there was a support group such as this one. I am truly thankful. I’m crying right now because it’s hot as hell down here and I have huge garage fans blowing. My lil dogs have a lot of hair and are struggling too. I need to shave them. 😭 which is fine with me but I usually have the groomer do that.

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