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Bipolar adult son refuses any mental health treatment - help
My bipolar adult son called homeless across the country after two weeks of disappearing. He has gone thru Genrose twice but refused all follow up medication and therapy both times. It has been three years since he last gave away all his possessions and called me scared and homeless. He is 35 and a beautiful kind soul. Just nine years ago he was independent and happy. When my husband passed away he started struggling. When I brought him home this time I explained it was not to sit in my home but rather to come up with a plan to bring him to independence. It has been a week since his return , he shows paranoia, he becomes agitated if one has a different viewpoint, etc… he has not shown signs of harm to himself or others - but believes he is destined to do missionary work ( on his own terms). He helps around the house and is mostly pleasant - but it does involve me walking on eggshells. Saying something that disagrees with his viewpoint brings endless lecturing and agitation - then he eventually goes to his room. He’s quick to say he’s not crazy if I don’t agree with what he sees as his destiny. I have another adult son who lives at home and is prospering but says he will move out if his mentally ill brother stays here and refuses any treatment- his other siblings agree. They do not want to see me repeat the last three years of emotional and financial help for him while he continues to refuse any treatment. I have talked to NAMI and the SE Mn crisis team. I told my son today that he must at least show me all is fine by allowing me to get him a mental health assessment and that no one was looking to force him into anything beyond that meeting (it could help him and it would also provide me a paper trail for helping him in the future if things were out of hand ). He outright refuses and says he will leave the house if I demand this. He says that all the help he provides around the house should show me he is doing well and moving forwards. I believe he feels that he is earning his keep. Talks of doing some volunteer work in town. Im not looking for help in my home and he should volunteer once he is on his own two feet. I believe that his staying at my home is only providing a bandaide to a serious mental health issue. He continually tells me that he is the tip of the sword to help people and feels called to be of help in my hometown. A life as a hometown missionary while living off my good graces. I try to help him see that helping himself is the way towards helping others. It falls on deaf ears. Is it an acceptable or prudent reaction for me to tell him that he will indeed need to leave ( he has nothing but one change of clothes as he gave everything away - it was his calling ) or do I need to wait for him to find his way. He is not dangerous which makes it all feel less clear to me. Does telling him to leave if he refuses all mental help a curse or an eventual blessing ? I can not imagine repeating the path of what I did last time he was homeless where I just allowed him to live in my house while I hoped he would eventually get independent. It is building a wedge between me and my other children. He lived “on his own” ( on my support and blowing thru his inheritance ) in Arizona for a year before disappearing last month. But has not had to stand on his own two feet since my husband died. I believe it’s time. I am strong enough to follow thru. My question is - am I doing him more harm than good ?
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It’s just me. Asking for advice regarding my post about my adult son with bipolar. Things are coming to a head. Thank you.
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2 ReactionsHi, it’s really a difficult question to answer because you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances, trying to get help for your son is an act of futility unless he complies with process. I was married to a wonderful man who changed mentally into a stranger to me, he was very intelligent but I couldn’t communicate well enough to make a difference, the other problem was that he didn’t want to take his medication and he had a fear of being locked up which led to a lack of confidence and trust. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and it was very noticeable that he was not well, I went to doctors and hospitals for help but all they offered was medication, it was apparent that the doctors were very cautious about taking control because they always said that if he isn’t hurting himself or others then they wouldn’t do anything. I know that it will never change until they get better medication and treatments to enable them to live life in a more stable way and take their medication and get regular therapy, best wishes.
You obviously are in a unique situation that most readers here don’t know how to respond. My (now 37yo) son grew up with the extreme end of ADHD — I know nothing like bi-polar, but bear with me.
I think our kids, especially men, are (for lack of better words) offended by the fact that there is something wrong with them. The ego is such that we must take care to not knock them off that delicate balance of mental health concerns and insecurities.
Explaining to your son that his mental health concerns are not his fault, but are within his power to live a greater life, could be a start. Even taking on the blame (your bi-polar is likely genetic) to lift the self-blame off of him. Maybe even having a discussion with a genetics counselor to demonstrate to him that this is something that isn’t his fault, but he has all the power to improve his outcome.
Hope this helps.
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4 Reactions@mercerspring, I'm so glad that you reached out to your local chapter of NAMI. I hope that they are able to provide personalized support for you and your family. I see that a large portion of your energy and worry focuses on your son and that this is causing friction with your relationships with your other children. That must be really hard.
I also noticed that you and your son were in crisis before when you reached out to the forum here in 2022. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/bi-polar-1-son-refuses-treatment/
This is a merry-go-round that is not merry and really hard to get off. I found this article that may offer some helpful ideas and information from a website dedicated to caregivers of people living with bi-polar:
- If the person refuses to get treatment https://bipolarcaregivers.org/working-on-the-illness-together/difficulties-in-working-with-the-person-to-manage-the-illness/if-the-person-refuses-treatment
Are getting counselling through NAMI to help deal with your situation?
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5 ReactionsThank you for the replies and concern. I let my son know today that I love him and that I hoped he would give me just three months to see if he could feel better with mental health treatment - however that looked - as he deserves to feel peaceful and happy and because he is such a beautiful and kind soul . I worked with the crisis line the whole time to be assured I was handling it in a proper way. He left my home - refusing to consider any kind of help outside help. Last time I allowed him to be under my support - physically and financially - to get well on his own terms- as I didn’t have the heart to demand treatment and risk losing him. I love him too much to allow him to go on suffering so that I do not have to worry. He’s my baby. I’d do anything for him. He left into the cold today at noon - assuring me that there were good Samaritans out there that would care for him. I asked him to please let me help him care for himself. I reiterated that I do care and love him so very, very much . He was with me here ten days- rescued from the streets of a large city- to rest from his bout of homelessness and to let the paranoia subside - but I did not have a customer for change. Last time I followed his lead - meditation, the church, new careers, and on..nothing changed truly - and it once again led to him giving away all he owned - possessions, phone , money and disappearing . I tried. I brought him from five states away to truly try to help him. He is such a beautiful soul - but he is unwilling to receive any help. It is his way or no way. You have to agree with every statement he makes about everything or you are against him. He would be my son one moment, and then disappear into an alternate reality. He was hard on me while he was here, trying his best to manipulate my heart - and it took all I had, NAMI and the crisis line to get me thru this. As well as all of you who took the time to reach out to me. Again, thank you. Please pray for him to be safe. My heart is breaking - but I know that by accepting his life as it was - of so many ups and downs and beating himself up and walking into homeless living once again - was offering only long term suffering - and driving a wedge between him and all his siblings. He needs and deserves help. It is my hope that he allows me to do just that. Again - thank you for caring.
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2 Reactions@mercerspring we're going through something so incredibly similar with my sister. I would love to connect you to my dad. Sister was diagnosed Bipolar in 2020 after a psychotic episode. Used to make 6 figs, now living off dad and can't handle work, won't get on SSDI because it's satanic. Mom died in early 2024 unexpectedly which made everything worse. Let me know if you'd be up for a pen pal that knows exactly what you're going through.