1. < Lung Cancer

Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?

Posted by olgamarie @olgamarie, Feb 7, 2021

Hi, did anyone, after there cancer and COPD diagnosis start to think about dying? After almost four years, I still do, all the time. Planning my funeral, how to leave my children, how it will be to be in a coffin. Bizarre, I know.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Lung Cancer Support Group.

bonsai799 | @bonsai799 | Mar 14, 2023

I may be new to cancer but you shouldn’t ever be ashamed specially of that. My god, your given a diagnosis of a terrible disease and they don’t give you a hand book at the same time on how to deal, handle, react, feel, answer, dress, talk, explain and on and on the never ending things that come with a cancer diagnosis. Like answering questions from your 10 year old grandson when he asks “Nana will you die before Christmas?” to question like “Are you going with cremation and a small wake or a whole funeral?” So please don’t feel ashamed for asking, questioning, wondering about anything when your diagnosis, it’s a hurricane of emotions with a roller coaster of information topped off with a earthquake of people wanting and needing knowledge. I look at it like this “Cancer is like a designer outfit, it’s one of a kind, but it wears on everyone differently!” Ask as much as you want, knowledge is power!

REPLY
1 reply
jeffsmock | @jeffsmock | Mar 14, 2023

I did I planned on dying. I knew something was wrong, thought I might be dying. I hadn't been to Dr. In over 20 years. I smoked little cigar's. My breathing got worst , I got weaker and weaker. I thought I was going to dye like a Man, not whining ,or saying anything. Friends of mine. Got me to a hospital. I'll try to shorten this up. 3 months, had double lobectomy on my right lung. I lived, was not expected to. Found out I was ready to dye but wasn't ready to live. 2 years later I'm just now figuring out how live.

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Feb 28, 2023

I hear you. I took care of my mom when she was dying too.

Hang in there.

REPLY
cherip | @cherip | Feb 28, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain..." + (show)
@merpreb

createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain a constant high of living fully day after day after day. I've had lung cancer, as many of you know for 25 years and I have never been able to continuously live life to the fullest. I just plain wear out. And I do still think about my own death and my dying. And I'm still scared.

I am presently trying to recover from SBRT treatment for 2 lesions in my middle lobe from radiation. I developed pneumonitis and am having an awful time with prednisone and getting my O2 above 90 during activity. In a call with my doctor last night I blurted out, "am I dying?"

Until that time I must have been subconsciously thinking this. It really snuck up on me. I'm always surprising myself with what comes out of my mouth but that one really jolted me.

For some strange reason, I don't seem to feel shame because I've lived with this for so long but it can take time to get to this level. Shame goes away after time I think because the longer we or someone else lives the more that we realize that we don't need to. Does this make any sense?

Jump to this post

@merpreb - makes total sense to me.

Really, we are all dying... most people just don't have a probable "how I'm going to die" diagnosis. I think it makes a difference. It did for me - I got very morose after watching my mom die of heart failure, and then 9 months later have my brother for hospice care, also for heart failure. Thank goodness my state has Death with Dignity, so I was able to stop thinking there. I felt like I had some control over how ill eventually die.

For me, the loss of control over my life has been debilitating. Medical professionals ought to be aware of those kinds of things. Each new diagnosis is a nightmare for a patient, but you get sent home to ponder and ruminate, with few resources- or, worse, they give outdated, incorrect information.

We are our own last defense.

REPLY
cherip | @cherip | Feb 28, 2023

@olgamarie - I think it's natural to think about these things, but I would guess it's taking a toll on you. Shame is a heavy emotion - please accept that your emotions are valid and understandable.

Going down the rabbit hole of death before your time is really harsh on your soul, though.

I hope you can find someone to talk to. Having a terminal illness is a mind-slayer. I hope you are not holding those emotions by yourself. 🩵

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Feb 24, 2023

I wish that there were not these two words--shame and guilt. They are destructive and demeaning and those are their purposes. "ok, folks. Let's just make you feel as bad as we can and make you suffer for it" It is so mean and controlling. We can't let this happen to us. I call out anyone who does to me. I have better things to do than this.

Right?

REPLY
kmeikle1 | @kmeikle1 | Feb 24, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain..." + (show)
@merpreb

createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain a constant high of living fully day after day after day. I've had lung cancer, as many of you know for 25 years and I have never been able to continuously live life to the fullest. I just plain wear out. And I do still think about my own death and my dying. And I'm still scared.

I am presently trying to recover from SBRT treatment for 2 lesions in my middle lobe from radiation. I developed pneumonitis and am having an awful time with prednisone and getting my O2 above 90 during activity. In a call with my doctor last night I blurted out, "am I dying?"

Until that time I must have been subconsciously thinking this. It really snuck up on me. I'm always surprising myself with what comes out of my mouth but that one really jolted me.

For some strange reason, I don't seem to feel shame because I've lived with this for so long but it can take time to get to this level. Shame goes away after time I think because the longer we or someone else lives the more that we realize that we don't need to. Does this make any sense?

Jump to this post

Thank you for your honesty.

REPLY
createyourownmerit | @createyourownmerit | Feb 23, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain..." + (show)
@merpreb

createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain a constant high of living fully day after day after day. I've had lung cancer, as many of you know for 25 years and I have never been able to continuously live life to the fullest. I just plain wear out. And I do still think about my own death and my dying. And I'm still scared.

I am presently trying to recover from SBRT treatment for 2 lesions in my middle lobe from radiation. I developed pneumonitis and am having an awful time with prednisone and getting my O2 above 90 during activity. In a call with my doctor last night I blurted out, "am I dying?"

Until that time I must have been subconsciously thinking this. It really snuck up on me. I'm always surprising myself with what comes out of my mouth but that one really jolted me.

For some strange reason, I don't seem to feel shame because I've lived with this for so long but it can take time to get to this level. Shame goes away after time I think because the longer we or someone else lives the more that we realize that we don't need to. Does this make any sense?

Jump to this post

Oh absolutely it makes sense!!! And good for you for asking “Am I dying?” You needed an answer for that and you asked. 👏 Your level of living life to the fullest may not look the same as someone who heads out and hikes for miles, but you can live life to the fullest by choosing options that are sedentary. Read/listen to a book that makes you think? Learn to play chess? And remember: every one of us has horrible days. Give yourself permission for that, too.

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Feb 23, 2023
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I am overwhelmed by your post and all that you have suffered. But shame? Absolutely not...." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I am overwhelmed by your post and all that you have suffered. But shame? Absolutely not. To make plans about your future life, whatever they are, is not shameful. It is showing good sense and consideration for your loved ones. Good for you and keep on walking - one foot in front of the other.

Jump to this post

I agree, shame has no place, and if I worded my post incorrectly, I apologize.

REPLY
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Feb 23, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain..." + (show)
@merpreb

createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain a constant high of living fully day after day after day. I've had lung cancer, as many of you know for 25 years and I have never been able to continuously live life to the fullest. I just plain wear out. And I do still think about my own death and my dying. And I'm still scared.

I am presently trying to recover from SBRT treatment for 2 lesions in my middle lobe from radiation. I developed pneumonitis and am having an awful time with prednisone and getting my O2 above 90 during activity. In a call with my doctor last night I blurted out, "am I dying?"

Until that time I must have been subconsciously thinking this. It really snuck up on me. I'm always surprising myself with what comes out of my mouth but that one really jolted me.

For some strange reason, I don't seem to feel shame because I've lived with this for so long but it can take time to get to this level. Shame goes away after time I think because the longer we or someone else lives the more that we realize that we don't need to. Does this make any sense?

Jump to this post

I am overwhelmed by your post and all that you have suffered. But shame? Absolutely not. To make plans about your future life, whatever they are, is not shameful. It is showing good sense and consideration for your loved ones. Good for you and keep on walking - one foot in front of the other.

REPLY
1 reply
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.