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A parent with an adult daughter in crisis with depression
I am a married mother, living this summer (summer home) with my daughter, her husband, and three young children. She has a history of being demanding and controlling, obsessed with weight and body image. Most importantly, this has devolved into long period of depression when she basically stays in her room, sleeps all day and barely eats. She insists she can get through these periods, which can last two weeks or so, sithout significant help. She insists she can ge through it on her own, and finally comes out of it. But it takes a terrible toll on her family and husband. This last time it is lasting at least two weeks. She barely eats. She has panic attacks, and confides that she feels deeply sad, won't harm herself (which I believe is true, but is in a real crisis at this point for lack of food and sleeping nonstop. Her greatest fear is being "taken away" (i.e. committed). Honestly, I don't know where to turn because I know enough to recognize that she is insistent on controlling the situation, but I also fear for her life if she doesn't get help. She is terrified of being separated from her kids. If I try to intervene she gets hysterical. We have a good relationship, and she feels I am supportive of her at this time, but I am frankly terrified. Any advicse would be deeply appreciated.
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I can’t provide any advice, but I do sympathize with your situation. The children’s safety is paramount. I hope their protection will be the priority. I might get a legal opinion about how to get her into treatment and what measures could be taken. I grew up with a parent who suffered mainly untreated mental illness and it was extremely distressing. Living in the home with someone exhibiting those symptoms is disturbing, especially for kids. I was fortunate that my grandparents cared for me as much as possible and provided me with unconditional love, support and care. I hope you find some solutions. It’s good you are trying to help.
Maybe chart the episodes on the calendar for a full year to begin to discover if it’s a cyclical problem. While you are in the presence of her episode you might have the children draw or color pictures for her to connect with them while she is ill. I think gathering the kids with their Dad and praying together would provide hope and insight and the acknowledgement that you all are creating an atmosphere of Peace as best you can. The full Serenity Prayer in a simple enough form so that the children can best understand that they are not the cause or the solution. Just watching your patience and kindness at this time will be a huge help for their own mental health. You are brave and you don’t have to “feel” brave. Just be brave. Operate from the perspective of “Perfect Love casts out Fear.” God loves you. You are doing your best at doing your best. That’s all anybody can do. God bless you !
Thank you. I think the hardest part is not being judgmental, and trying to guide her without judgmental. Unless it becomes a medical crisis I am trying to navigate the situation so she feels in control
I’m afraid I may not be objective on this. As an adult child of a parent who suffered with untreated mental illness, I can say it’s unfair. Adults should devote themselves to any measures necessary to treat their condition if they choose to have children. To me protecting the children is more important than sparing hurt feelings of a sick parent. I wish you and your family all the best. In my situation, no one ever insisted the parent get treatment and her life has been extremely miserable. It’s unfortunate.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but have had much therapy. The issue of control was explored. My parents were very controlling. My father has major depression and takes an anti depressant but this does not help. My mother is dead but in hindsight I wonder now often if she had anxiety and depression. She never got help for it. Trauma is usually behind all these issues. The reality is all we control is ourselves our actions reactions. Learning this is a daily practice. I do think your daughters situation is causing other people harm
Yes, she is causing emotional harm to her kids -- the hard part is getting her to a place where she recognizes it.
She says she can handle it so I would let her live her life. There are resources she can reach out to that would be better than you living with her and her kids. She needs to learn to take care of herself. I was in a similar situation, didn’t have an enabling, co-dependent parent to control and came out of it by myself. Therapy, medication and support groups help too.
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1 ReactionI appreciate your response. I am new to this platform, and there's a certain risk in sharing information with a limited understanding of the situation. We have a summer cottage, and and we traditionally spend this time with my daugher and her family. She has a supportive husband. The challenge is helping her understand the level of care she needs. She wants to do this on her own, but the consequences, I believe, both to her and her family are significant
@kat4321 Since your daughter says she does not want help there isn’t much anyone else can do. It’s a very difficult and sad situation. Does your son-in-law see a mental health therapist/psychologist? If not, then this would be a good idea as he needs not only his own support but also a therapist can help him to figure out how he wishes to handle his family situation. Presumably, your son-in-law is major caregiver in the household when his wife is ill and in bed. This is a huge strain for him.
Would you like to ask your son-in-law if he is seeing a therapist or would like to see a therapist?
I understand. I have had repeated issues with people not understanding they can harm me. I have ptsd and seizure risk from a craniotomy done over 11 years ago. I hope your daughter comes to understand .