A parent with an adult daughter in crisis with depression

I can’t provide any advice, but I do sympathize with your situation. The children’s safety is paramount. I hope their protection will be the priority. I might get a legal opinion about how to get her into treatment and what measures could be taken. I grew up with a parent who suffered mainly untreated mental illness and it was extremely distressing. Living in the home with someone exhibiting those symptoms is disturbing, especially for kids. I was fortunate that my grandparents cared for me as much as possible and provided me with unconditional love, support and care. I hope you find some solutions. It’s good you are trying to help.

@kat4321
I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing with your daughter. Supporting a loved one who is experiencing a mental health crisis can be incredibly challenging, especially when they are resistant to seeking help. Here are some strategies you might consider to support her while also addressing your concerns:
1. Open Communication
Listen Actively: Create a safe space for her to express her feelings without judgment. Let her know that you are there to listen and support her, even if she doesn’t want to talk about seeking help.
Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her struggles and feelings of sadness. Let her know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that many people experience similar challenges.
2. Encourage Professional Help
Gentle Suggestions: While she may be resistant to the idea of professional help, you can gently suggest that talking to a therapist or counselor could provide her with additional support. Frame it as a way to help her cope better, rather than as a sign of weakness.
Normalize Therapy: Share stories of others who have benefited from therapy, emphasizing that seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care.
3. Focus on Basic Needs
Nutrition and Hydration: Encourage her to eat small, manageable meals or snacks, even if she doesn’t feel like it. Offer to prepare meals together or provide easy-to-eat options. Staying hydrated is also crucial.
Sleep Hygiene: Discuss the importance of maintaining a regular sleep schedule. Encourage her to establish a calming bedtime routine to improve her sleep quality.
4. Involve Her Support System
Family Support: If appropriate, involve her husband or other family members in the conversation. They may be able to provide additional support and encouragement.
Friends and Community: Encourage her to reach out to friends or support groups, either in person or online, where she can connect with others who understand what she’s going through.
5. Crisis Plan
Develop a Plan: Work with her to create a plan for what to do if her symptoms worsen. This could include a list of emergency contacts, coping strategies, and steps to take if she feels overwhelmed.
Emergency Resources: Make sure she knows how to access emergency resources, such as hotlines or local mental health services, in case she needs immediate help.
6. Set Boundaries for Yourself
Self-Care: Caring for someone in crisis can take a toll on your own mental health. Make sure to prioritize your own well-being by engaging in self-care activities and seeking support for yourself if needed.
Limit Enabling Behaviors: While it’s important to be supportive, be mindful of not enabling unhealthy behaviors. Encourage her to take small steps toward recovery without taking over her responsibilities.
7. Consider Professional Intervention
Involuntary Commitment: If her condition worsens and you genuinely believe she is at risk of harming herself or is unable to care for herself, you may need to consider contacting a mental health professional for guidance on potential involuntary commitment. This is a difficult decision and should be approached with caution and compassion.

It’s clear that you care deeply for your daughter and want to support her through this difficult time. While it can be challenging to navigate her resistance to help, maintaining open communication, encouraging professional support, and focusing on her basic needs can make a difference. Remember to take care of yourself as well, and don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself during this challenging time.

@kat4321
P.S. I meant to ask how old your daughter is and how old are her children? Also, did something trigger a change in her behavior and before deep depression set in? I know for me that going through hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause caused significant depression for me. I have a teen son and I am in my 50s now. If your daughter is in her 40s or 50s or if postpartum, hormonal changes could be a cause. Talk therapy could help (telehealth/apps) and talking with her doctor about antidepressants may help her stabilize her emotions. Hormonal therapy may also help, depending on diagnosis as potential cause of changes in her mental health.

Maybe chart the episodes on the calendar for a full year to begin to discover if it’s a cyclical problem. While you are in the presence of her episode you might have the children draw or color pictures for her to connect with them while she is ill. I think gathering the kids with their Dad and praying together would provide hope and insight and the acknowledgement that you all are creating an atmosphere of Peace as best you can. The full Serenity Prayer in a simple enough form so that the children can best understand that they are not the cause or the solution. Just watching your patience and kindness at this time will be a huge help for their own mental health. You are brave and you don’t have to “feel” brave. Just be brave. Operate from the perspective of “Perfect Love casts out Fear.” God loves you. You are doing your best at doing your best. That’s all anybody can do. God bless you !

Thank you. I think the hardest part is not being judgmental, and trying to guide her without judgmental. Unless it becomes a medical crisis I am trying to navigate the situation so she feels in control

I’m afraid I may not be objective on this. As an adult child of a parent who suffered with untreated mental illness, I can say it’s unfair. Adults should devote themselves to any measures necessary to treat their condition if they choose to have children. To me protecting the children is more important than sparing hurt feelings of a sick parent. I wish you and your family all the best. In my situation, no one ever insisted the parent get treatment and her life has been extremely miserable. It’s unfortunate.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but have had much therapy. The issue of control was explored. My parents were very controlling. My father has major depression and takes an anti depressant but this does not help. My mother is dead but in hindsight I wonder now often if she had anxiety and depression. She never got help for it. Trauma is usually behind all these issues. The reality is all we control is ourselves our actions reactions. Learning this is a daily practice. I do think your daughters situation is causing other people harm

Yes, she is causing emotional harm to her kids -- the hard part is getting her to a place where she recognizes it.

She says she can handle it so I would let her live her life. There are resources she can reach out to that would be better than you living with her and her kids. She needs to learn to take care of herself. I was in a similar situation, didn’t have an enabling, co-dependent parent to control and came out of it by myself. Therapy, medication and support groups help too.

I appreciate your response. I am new to this platform, and there's a certain risk in sharing information with a limited understanding of the situation. We have a summer cottage, and and we traditionally spend this time with my daugher and her family. She has a supportive husband. The challenge is helping her understand the level of care she needs. She wants to do this on her own, but the consequences, I believe, both to her and her family are significant