A New Kind of Grief in These Times

Posted by Ginger, Volunteer Mentor @gingerw, Apr 7 7:07pm

If you are like me, you might be feeling uncomfortable, unsteady in your daily activities, perhaps unable to pinpoint just why you feel “off”.

Our lives have been turned upside down recently, and this might continue for the near future, but it is not permanent. How we relate to people has changed, how we spend our days is quieter [unless you have kids at home!], a nonchalant hug to a friend is not a good idea. Gatherings, like a meeting, a health club, a place of worship, a sports activity, even school, are but a temporary memory. We have had to become better versed in technology to stay connected, if we want to visit. Celebrations and memorials are on hold.

I was recently given this article, and it really makes sense to me! While my personality lends itself to social isolation, I still miss the occasional interaction with my fellow humans.

– That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

What do you grieve in these times? How are you handling this discomfort/grief, what are you doing to minimize lasting effects?

 

@mamacita

@gingerw, I wonder at times if anything will ever be the same again. Being quiet and doing things on my own never bothered me before. But times have changed. Almost everything that I try to do involves an extreme level of effort and expertise.

As I write this, my oldest daughter is in an LTAC facility, following her six week stay in the hospital. My husband has been hospitalized since March 9th. Hopefully he will be released sometime next week.

When I shop for necessities, I wear a mask. I use hand sanitizer. Any packages I buy are "in quarantine" for 24 hours. I disinfect my shoes after a supply run. I wash my clothes and take a shower after going outside to a store.

When I speak with my family I have a pass code that I have to give the nurse before they can talk to me. My husband is being treated for depression, following his three surgeries. He has been through so much.

The anxiety that I feel from having to learn all these new protocols has left my head spinning. I pay my daughter's bills. And there is a certain protocol for that as well. So often you cannot speak with a real person. You never know if a business is open or not. So you have to call ahead and hope someone answers.

All this seems trivial to some, I am sure. But it is so much pressure on me, as I am rhe only one who can do any of these things. I dont like going out to take care of business, because I fear bringing back a virus. I want my home to be safe for my Grandson.

These are my fears. Mostly, though, I am ok. Oh, did I fail to mention that I cannot vist my loved ones? Nope. No visitors allowed.

Holding the fort,
Mamacita Jane

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Cyber hugs @mamacita my friend. Hoping you are able to get some rest and relief for yourself.

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@mamacita Im so glad you posted I was beginning to worry about you . These times are very trying for sure you do have your hands full Hope you can get some rest everyday We are all thinking about you , your daughter and hubby . Hopefully he will be home soon for you . Be safe take care

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@zep

Mamacita – trivial, no, not at all. You have your hands full, and a sad, lonely situation on top of that. My heart goes out to you.

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@zep, thank you for your kind response. I took a very long nap today. I woke up feeling better. My husband did get the package I got to help him use his phone better. Now, to determine why my daughter is not using her phone to text any of us. She had a trache, but I paid her phone bill. So she can Facebook message us. Or text.
I feel too deeply. When someone is hurting, I take that hurt onto my shoulders. I try not to. But it isn't that easy.

Love and light,
Mamacita Jane

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@lioness

@mamacita Im so glad you posted I was beginning to worry about you . These times are very trying for sure you do have your hands full Hope you can get some rest everyday We are all thinking about you , your daughter and hubby . Hopefully he will be home soon for you . Be safe take care

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@lioness, thank you for responding. I did rest a lot today. I feel a little better. I hope that my family will be home from the hospital soon. I miss them terribly. I keep thoughts at bay of the corona virus, most of the time. They are both getting excellent medical care, and they need to stay right there until they are able to come home.

I have missed my Mayo Clinic Connect peeps so much. I will try to get back here as much as I can. We are a community that cares about each other.

Love and light,
Mamacita Jane

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Mamacita, I am so glad you are feeling better. I hope your situation will improve and that you and your family can be happy again.

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@mamacita

@gingerw, I wonder at times if anything will ever be the same again. Being quiet and doing things on my own never bothered me before. But times have changed. Almost everything that I try to do involves an extreme level of effort and expertise.

As I write this, my oldest daughter is in an LTAC facility, following her six week stay in the hospital. My husband has been hospitalized since March 9th. Hopefully he will be released sometime next week.

When I shop for necessities, I wear a mask. I use hand sanitizer. Any packages I buy are "in quarantine" for 24 hours. I disinfect my shoes after a supply run. I wash my clothes and take a shower after going outside to a store.

When I speak with my family I have a pass code that I have to give the nurse before they can talk to me. My husband is being treated for depression, following his three surgeries. He has been through so much.

The anxiety that I feel from having to learn all these new protocols has left my head spinning. I pay my daughter's bills. And there is a certain protocol for that as well. So often you cannot speak with a real person. You never know if a business is open or not. So you have to call ahead and hope someone answers.

All this seems trivial to some, I am sure. But it is so much pressure on me, as I am rhe only one who can do any of these things. I dont like going out to take care of business, because I fear bringing back a virus. I want my home to be safe for my Grandson.

These are my fears. Mostly, though, I am ok. Oh, did I fail to mention that I cannot vist my loved ones? Nope. No visitors allowed.

Holding the fort,
Mamacita Jane

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@mamacita It is not trivial by any means. Your current stressors have got to be temporary, I pray for that. I know there must be several of us who would step up to help if there was a cry to "come", from you. Sending you a gentle hug, and cuppa tea for comfort,
Ginger

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@mamacita

@zep, thank you for your kind response. I took a very long nap today. I woke up feeling better. My husband did get the package I got to help him use his phone better. Now, to determine why my daughter is not using her phone to text any of us. She had a trache, but I paid her phone bill. So she can Facebook message us. Or text.
I feel too deeply. When someone is hurting, I take that hurt onto my shoulders. I try not to. But it isn't that easy.

Love and light,
Mamacita Jane

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Mamacita, I'm just chiming in with others in wishing the very best for you and your loved ones. As another person who is hypersensitive to the needs of others, I have to work hard at not "living" another's deeply troubling situations. Setting personal boundaries is easier said than done for some of us.

Years ago, I told a neighbor that I was a master at worrying. She thought I'd said: I'd mastered worry and asked: How did you Do that???…she's still waiting for my answer…vbg Sending you big cyber hugs.

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@fiesty76

Mamacita, I'm just chiming in with others in wishing the very best for you and your loved ones. As another person who is hypersensitive to the needs of others, I have to work hard at not "living" another's deeply troubling situations. Setting personal boundaries is easier said than done for some of us.

Years ago, I told a neighbor that I was a master at worrying. She thought I'd said: I'd mastered worry and asked: How did you Do that???…she's still waiting for my answer…vbg Sending you big cyber hugs.

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Hello @fiesty76,

I do like what you said, "… I have to work hard at not "living" another's deeply troubling situations."

That is a very succinct way of describing folks who are overwhelmed by the problems of others. Sometimes worriers will live the troubling situations of others.

I really appreciate that description, well put!!

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Thank you Teresa. I am such a blabber, I'm glad something I said may have helped in some small way. Smiles.

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@zep

Mamacita, I am so glad you are feeling better. I hope your situation will improve and that you and your family can be happy again.

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Hi @zep and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. How kind of you that your first posts offer support and care to @mamacita. She is usually the person who offers welcomes and support to many here in our Connect community. Lately she needs her virtual friends. Thank you for recognizing that.

Zep, I see you just recently joined Mayo Clinic Connect. I'd like to get to know more about you. How did you find Connect? What would you like us to know about you?

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Hi Colleen, thank you for your kind comments. Mamacita's post touched me deeply.

If I recall correctly, I found Mayo Connect by accident while researching digestive problems caused by stress, or maybe suddenly higher blood pressure, both of which new, disturbing probs have joined my heretofore manageable, regular list of a 69 year-old body's woes, which included being hypothyroid, hard of hearing, and bipolar 1. (Those were the good old days!)

Two weeks ago, a racing heart sent me to the ER, scared. Since then, my n.p. prescribed metoprolol, which I have not yet taken, being somewhat drug-phobic. I'm keeping the BP in check with Magnesium citrate. My worst problem, and the one I really seek advice and comparisons on, is the digestive chaos.
Following the ER trip, I lost all appetite, shed 16 pounds quickly, sleep much less than is healthy, became very weak, and am now, when the extreme constipation lets up, pooping a sickly light yellow ochre poop. (my most sincere apologies for having to mention this) I am fairly desperate to hear from people who have coped with, and/or found remedies for these kinds of symptoms. I kind of imagine such symptoms are running rampant in these days of high anxiety. This is the wrong thread for this, but since it's typed, I'll leave it and ask for forgiveness. Wise people out there, are your guts similarly out of whack, and what do you do for it? (I just reread the upstairs comments, which are all about worriers, so maybe this mess does tie in to the discussion for other worriers out there, I hope so) Thank you for reading.

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@mamacita

@gingerw, I wonder at times if anything will ever be the same again. Being quiet and doing things on my own never bothered me before. But times have changed. Almost everything that I try to do involves an extreme level of effort and expertise.

As I write this, my oldest daughter is in an LTAC facility, following her six week stay in the hospital. My husband has been hospitalized since March 9th. Hopefully he will be released sometime next week.

When I shop for necessities, I wear a mask. I use hand sanitizer. Any packages I buy are "in quarantine" for 24 hours. I disinfect my shoes after a supply run. I wash my clothes and take a shower after going outside to a store.

When I speak with my family I have a pass code that I have to give the nurse before they can talk to me. My husband is being treated for depression, following his three surgeries. He has been through so much.

The anxiety that I feel from having to learn all these new protocols has left my head spinning. I pay my daughter's bills. And there is a certain protocol for that as well. So often you cannot speak with a real person. You never know if a business is open or not. So you have to call ahead and hope someone answers.

All this seems trivial to some, I am sure. But it is so much pressure on me, as I am rhe only one who can do any of these things. I dont like going out to take care of business, because I fear bringing back a virus. I want my home to be safe for my Grandson.

These are my fears. Mostly, though, I am ok. Oh, did I fail to mention that I cannot vist my loved ones? Nope. No visitors allowed.

Holding the fort,
Mamacita Jane

Jump to this post

@mamacita, I am exhausted just reading this and I did that 3 times to make sure I understood. You have to jump through hoops every day.

I have just one tried and true piece of advice. Take time for yourself…..even 15 minutes. Be self-compassionate. Wrap your arms around yourself and say "I am here for you". Show yourself to the door of positivity.

You have opened your big heart and allowed so much to rush in………save some room for yourself or you won't be much good to anyone else.

Be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
Chris

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Hi, Zep, Like you, I discovered the MayoConnect group while searching for support for a new diagnosis of kidney problems last summer. An infrequent doc appt. didn't give me enough of the tools I wanted to learn to manage my Stage 3 CKD. MayoConnect and its various forums have proved worth their weight in gold for me. And, yes, I am also very proficient at worrying about some things. Smiles

What got my particular attention in reading your post was your mention of your recent unexpected weight loss. When a sudden and continuing unexplained nausea and wt loss happened to me, I underwent many different tests and eventually concluded mine began after starting a drug for diabetes. While stopping the drug and taking ginger supplements stopped the nausea, the wt loss continued. My doc eventually prescribed an appetite stimulant which helped immediately. Seeing a dietician provided me with a combined meal plan guide for the diabetes and kidney which was a terrific aid.

Certainly we are not doctors here and doctors are the pros who can test and diagnose. With three new diagnoses during the year, including diverticulitis, I was more than eager to put 2019 in my rearview mirror! However, what helped me day-to-day was/is posting on the Mayo forums because the members in the various groups provide suggestions and links that have helped them.

I agree wholeheartedly with you that many more are probably experiencing digestive problems now because of the uncertainties and stressors posed by the virus. The MayoConnect forum called: Digestive Health (found at the homepage and by clicking on Groups) has been very helpful in my dealing with digestive problems.

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@zep

Hi Colleen, thank you for your kind comments. Mamacita's post touched me deeply.

If I recall correctly, I found Mayo Connect by accident while researching digestive problems caused by stress, or maybe suddenly higher blood pressure, both of which new, disturbing probs have joined my heretofore manageable, regular list of a 69 year-old body's woes, which included being hypothyroid, hard of hearing, and bipolar 1. (Those were the good old days!)

Two weeks ago, a racing heart sent me to the ER, scared. Since then, my n.p. prescribed metoprolol, which I have not yet taken, being somewhat drug-phobic. I'm keeping the BP in check with Magnesium citrate. My worst problem, and the one I really seek advice and comparisons on, is the digestive chaos.
Following the ER trip, I lost all appetite, shed 16 pounds quickly, sleep much less than is healthy, became very weak, and am now, when the extreme constipation lets up, pooping a sickly light yellow ochre poop. (my most sincere apologies for having to mention this) I am fairly desperate to hear from people who have coped with, and/or found remedies for these kinds of symptoms. I kind of imagine such symptoms are running rampant in these days of high anxiety. This is the wrong thread for this, but since it's typed, I'll leave it and ask for forgiveness. Wise people out there, are your guts similarly out of whack, and what do you do for it? (I just reread the upstairs comments, which are all about worriers, so maybe this mess does tie in to the discussion for other worriers out there, I hope so) Thank you for reading.

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@zep Wow, you sure are caught in a frightening spiral. Added to the current chaos we are experiencing, no wonder you are feeling anxious.
May I ask what led you to try magnesium citrate to lower your blood pressure, because I have not seen that suggested before? This medication is typically used to clean out the digestive tract before colonoscopy or other procedures, so perhaps it is the cause of your digestive distress. Please contact your np and discuss what you are experiencing. In order to get good advice you will need to let her know you tried a different drug instead of the prescribed metoprolol. Also, once a harsh laxative such as magnesium citrate has been used for a while, it is not unusual to experience intermittent diarrhea/constipation while your body tries to readjust itself!
Let us know how you are doing
Sue

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Fiesty76, oh my goodness, thank you so much for your very helpful reply. (for one thing, it reminded me I too have diverticulosis, or itis, I forget which) It's so interesting that a doc-prescribed drug for diabetes gave you all those problems, and that ginger helped. You never know. And you are right; the weight loss is the most worrying of the symptoms I have. In ordinary times, I would have seen a doctor about it already. But then, in ordinary times, it probably wouldn't be happening.

I am so sorry you have CKD, and the other diagnoses. Thank you for reaching out to me. Best wishes to you in your struggle.

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