Chronic Pain members - Welcome, please introduce yourself

Posted by Kelsey Mohring @kelseydm, Apr 27, 2016

Welcome to the new Chronic Pain group.

I’m Kelsey and I’m the moderator of the group. I look forwarding to welcoming you and introducing you to other members. Feel free to browse the topics or start a new one.

Why not take a minute and introduce yourself.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Chronic Pain Support Group.

Hank | @jesfactsmon | Oct 24, 2020

In reply to @sunnyflower "Well I had told him I do not want to be a burden so it is..." + (show)

@sunnyflower

Well I had told him I do not want to be a burden so it is more me that asks very little of them. I'm talking about maybe one or two things a year at most and sometimes not even that much. No I have not addressed that because it is more one daughter alluding to the fact that the other daughter said it when they had talked about taking turns helping me approximately 2 years ago this fall I believe.

When I print it out my health conditions problem list and showed it to them individually, I told them that I felt I was put into this position to have to validate myself because of that comment. Neither one owned it and both of them barely reacted when seeing my very long list of diseases and conditions on paper. I cannot explain it, I do not get it. They have issues and were very much in the beginning of the victim mentality and entitlement mentality.

They have very good hearts and they have servant Hearts but it's more for friends and church family than for me. It hurts.

Like I said, they are both extremely busy and overcommitted but at the drop of a hat they can run to someone else's side.

I was married to their dad for 17 years and he was abusive. Children will always take out there pain/anger on the parent whose love they are most secure in and they will always try to please the parent whose love they are trying to win. A professional told me that their thinking is something like, oh well mom, she loves me, she'll forgive me.

I have told them that it is not the divorce that is responsible for their pain but more so the 17-year toxic marriage. I did not say anything bad about their dad nor do I except for when they became adults and have their own children and would make a comment here and there but I could count on one hand the times I had to say anything and that is different times to different kids so it wasn't much. I don't believe in doing that. Only when a conversation or something they said called for it.

I'm pretty sure that I have asked them to go to counseling together over the years and in fact it go to counseling just once right before the divorce but it did not go well.

Oh well it is what it is. It is an inconvenience to them that I am ill and I'm sure they have resentment that I have been unable to help in physical ways over the years although they have acknowledged I give a lot to my grandkids and they know that we have a very close relationship.

Thank you for your input, Sunny flower

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@sunnyflower
Hi Sunny. Wow, two otherwise good hearted, giving daughters who act less than good hearted and charitable toward you, their mom? Seems weird. I have been reading "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge. One concept that comes across is that during childhood the brain develops certain models of behavior that get locked in during what is referred to as the "critical period". Depending on what kinds of things are going on in their lives at that time, it's possible for behaviors to be locked in that seem unusual or abnormal now but that can be explained by what they imprinted when very young, such as the effects of the marital issues as exhibited to them by you and your first husband. That might help to understand why they act so coldly toward you now, i.e. locked-in responses from their youth. They might not even be aware of how differently they are acting toward you.Just a thought to try to explain the inexplicable. I know it doesn't make it any easier to take. Best, Hank

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Oct 24, 2020

In reply to @sunnyflower "Oh yes, I have Asian friends and that is their culture too. They honor their parents..." + (show)

You have wonderful insight, @sunnyflower, as to the differences in your personality and that of your daughter. That should help you as you relate to her.

Having a condo with a view of the mountains sounds wonderfully relaxing! I can understand why you would not want to leave.

sunnyflower | @sunnyflower | Oct 24, 2020

In reply to @jesfactsmon "@sunnyflower Hi Sunny. Wow, two otherwise good hearted, giving daughters who act less than good hearted..." + (show)

Hi Hank,
My daughters act very loving toward me. They hug me and tell me they love me when we see each other or talk. They expound on their love for me in cards at holidays, birthday etc., telling me what a great mom and grandmother I am, through the years. They also do acts of love for me such as bringing me disinfectant sprays, wipes, etc. once in a while.

Every time I've been in the hospital, they and my 2 sons visit. For all my surgeries they've been there to be with me before they take me in, in the super early mornings. They have even asked for and got disinfectant from the nurses/housekeeping to clean the room I went to after surgery before I got there!

They have even come to help change my wound or post-op dressings that I couldn't reach. My husband has bad eyes.

These acts of love I've mentioned are few and far between but have meant so much to me!

The only thing they don't do very often is help me. If I asked, they will if they can but I don't like to ask bc I know they are so busy. And now, especially since hearing one daughter allude the other said they should be careful not to enable me while discussing a schedule to come help me, I don't want to ask even more.

Like I said, I believe they rest on the fact that I have such a loving husband who is so helpful.

So I think it's a multilayered thing. It's very hard to explain.

I think my therapist was spot on when she said they don't want to have to think about me being ill and losing me. They know I lost my mom unexpectedly when I was 10.

I think I could ask more but am so concerned about being a burden and fear they may distance themselves if I start asking. I did ask for my granddaughter to come help purge and wipe down the food cupboards but the response I got from my daughter was that she isn't good at that so I didn't pursue it any further.

I shouldn't have said anything bc the situation is so multifaceted and I don't want anyone feeling bad for me.

It does bother my husband as well. Mother-daughter relationships can be very fragile. I think I have it better than a lot of people but there is room for improvement.

I can only control myself and keep showing my love to them. And, try to stop personalizing and remember that they are dealing with a lot of their own family issues. issues.

Thanks to everyone for your concerns and support.

Much appreciation, Sunnyflower 😊

lorirenee1 | @lorirenee1 | Oct 24, 2020

In reply to @sunnyflower "Hi Hank, My daughters act very loving toward me. They hug me and tell me they..." + (show)