Chronic Pain members - Welcome, please introduce yourself

@sunnyflower Hi again, Sunny. I hear that your kids are so intensely busy with their own kids, jobs, etc. They actually do sound like extra special people. They are amazing, actually. For some reason, though, it just is not built into them to really help YOU. Are we wrong to think we deserve this? Is it like developmentally inappropriate to ask our kids to help? Is it NORMAL for them to mostly just attend to their own lives now? Perhaps, to some degree. I have a very dear Hindi girlfriend who has taught me so much about family through a Hindi perspective. In her Hindi culture, it is absolutely EXPECTED that children attend to their parents. If a parent needs help, they help. To top it off, my friend's kids help without being asked. They are attuned to their parents. They truly honor their parents. My girlfriend says that if she ever needs to live with one of her kids, it will just happen. She will be welcomed with grace. When she was in the hospital with cancer, her children stayed with her whenever they could. At some level, I think we raise spoiled kids, and we get taken for granted. I am so compassionate, that I would just naturally help. But many people are not like that at all. Because you gave your heart and soul as a mom, you would think it would be given back, at least to some degree. I don't know what the answer is. I have only one very busy son. Just had his second child, finishing grad school, a very intense job in pharmaceutical sales, and the kid barely says a word to me, ever. Did I raise him where he did not feel my love? Me? He had to feel it, cause, it's me. However, that is no guarantee of getting it back. We should not be loving in order to get it back, anyway. That does not seem right. I just do not know what the answer is. I just feel for you, sweet Sunny girl. You are like sunshine here. If I lived by you, I would help you as much as I could. Love to you, Lori

@lorirenee1
Lori, I really have a hard time understanding some people. So I try to interact with those that I do understand and that make sense to me. The others, once I have figured out I am never going to understand why they think so differently than me, I just wish them well in my mind and then forget about them. Of course continuing to be civil, and not unkind. If possible. Hank

Hello @sunnyflower,

I read your post as well as Erika's, @erikas, response and I feel for both you and your daughters. I agree that involving a therapist would be a very good idea for you.

I also wonder if you have considered getting some help for your transportation and care needs from outside of your family on occasion? Perhaps a friend or your church or other county organization could provide some help assisting you? Having such help even one day a week might be a good thing.

Family members do not always have the physical or emotional capacity to care for someone who has chronic illnesses. Some outside help will often relieve that burden and help your family to understand that you care about their needs as well as your own.

Is this something you might discuss with your daughters?

Thank you Teresa. I drive myself and we have paid literally thousands of dollars over the years hiring out help such as house cleaners, organizers, Etc, so that I would not be a burden on any family members. If I did not have a husband and might I add, such a great husband, then I would need to ask for help but I'm pretty independent although in bed about 95 or more percent of the time. @erikas Sunnyflower. 😊

Thanks for the background, @sunnyflower. It sounds like you do as much for yourself with outside help as you can. I'm not sure just what your daughters are objecting to then. Have you asked them how they feel they are enabling you?

@lorirenee1
Lori, I really have a hard time understanding some people. So I try to interact with those that I do understand and that make sense to me. The others, once I have figured out I am never going to understand why they think so differently than me, I just wish them well in my mind and then forget about them. Of course continuing to be civil, and not unkind. If possible. Hank

@sunnyflower It hurt you that your daughters alluded that, "they did not want to enable" you and caused resentment between the three of you.

You are carrying heavy emotional burdens that I imagine a therapist could help you sort through. I'm not sure where your daughters are coming from. For now I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that there may be a misunderstanding or that it is easier for them to blame you for your illness than deal with the grief of your diminished quality of life. A therapist may also be able to mediate between you and your daughters and help clear up any misunderstandings.

I'm wondering if you'd consider seeing a therapist virtually?

@sunnyflower Hi again, Sunny. I hear that your kids are so intensely busy with their own kids, jobs, etc. They actually do sound like extra special people. They are amazing, actually. For some reason, though, it just is not built into them to really help YOU. Are we wrong to think we deserve this? Is it like developmentally inappropriate to ask our kids to help? Is it NORMAL for them to mostly just attend to their own lives now? Perhaps, to some degree. I have a very dear Hindi girlfriend who has taught me so much about family through a Hindi perspective. In her Hindi culture, it is absolutely EXPECTED that children attend to their parents. If a parent needs help, they help. To top it off, my friend's kids help without being asked. They are attuned to their parents. They truly honor their parents. My girlfriend says that if she ever needs to live with one of her kids, it will just happen. She will be welcomed with grace. When she was in the hospital with cancer, her children stayed with her whenever they could. At some level, I think we raise spoiled kids, and we get taken for granted. I am so compassionate, that I would just naturally help. But many people are not like that at all. Because you gave your heart and soul as a mom, you would think it would be given back, at least to some degree. I don't know what the answer is. I have only one very busy son. Just had his second child, finishing grad school, a very intense job in pharmaceutical sales, and the kid barely says a word to me, ever. Did I raise him where he did not feel my love? Me? He had to feel it, cause, it's me. However, that is no guarantee of getting it back. We should not be loving in order to get it back, anyway. That does not seem right. I just do not know what the answer is. I just feel for you, sweet Sunny girl. You are like sunshine here. If I lived by you, I would help you as much as I could. Love to you, Lori

@sunnyflower Hi again, Sunny. I hear that your kids are so intensely busy with their own kids, jobs, etc. They actually do sound like extra special people. They are amazing, actually. For some reason, though, it just is not built into them to really help YOU. Are we wrong to think we deserve this? Is it like developmentally inappropriate to ask our kids to help? Is it NORMAL for them to mostly just attend to their own lives now? Perhaps, to some degree. I have a very dear Hindi girlfriend who has taught me so much about family through a Hindi perspective. In her Hindi culture, it is absolutely EXPECTED that children attend to their parents. If a parent needs help, they help. To top it off, my friend's kids help without being asked. They are attuned to their parents. They truly honor their parents. My girlfriend says that if she ever needs to live with one of her kids, it will just happen. She will be welcomed with grace. When she was in the hospital with cancer, her children stayed with her whenever they could. At some level, I think we raise spoiled kids, and we get taken for granted. I am so compassionate, that I would just naturally help. But many people are not like that at all. Because you gave your heart and soul as a mom, you would think it would be given back, at least to some degree. I don't know what the answer is. I have only one very busy son. Just had his second child, finishing grad school, a very intense job in pharmaceutical sales, and the kid barely says a word to me, ever. Did I raise him where he did not feel my love? Me? He had to feel it, cause, it's me. However, that is no guarantee of getting it back. We should not be loving in order to get it back, anyway. That does not seem right. I just do not know what the answer is. I just feel for you, sweet Sunny girl. You are like sunshine here. If I lived by you, I would help you as much as I could. Love to you, Lori