Chronic Pain members - Welcome, please introduce yourself

Hello @sunnyflower,

I read your post as well as Erika's, @erikas, response and I feel for both you and your daughters. I agree that involving a therapist would be a very good idea for you.

I also wonder if you have considered getting some help for your transportation and care needs from outside of your family on occasion? Perhaps a friend or your church or other county organization could provide some help assisting you? Having such help even one day a week might be a good thing.

Family members do not always have the physical or emotional capacity to care for someone who has chronic illnesses. Some outside help will often relieve that burden and help your family to understand that you care about their needs as well as your own.

Is this something you might discuss with your daughters?

Thank you Teresa. I drive myself and we have paid literally thousands of dollars over the years hiring out help such as house cleaners, organizers, Etc, so that I would not be a burden on any family members. If I did not have a husband and might I add, such a great husband, then I would need to ask for help but I'm pretty independent although in bed about 95 or more percent of the time. @erikas Sunnyflower. 😊

Thanks for the background, @sunnyflower. It sounds like you do as much for yourself with outside help as you can. I'm not sure just what your daughters are objecting to then. Have you asked them how they feel they are enabling you?

@lorirenee1
Lori, I really have a hard time understanding some people. So I try to interact with those that I do understand and that make sense to me. The others, once I have figured out I am never going to understand why they think so differently than me, I just wish them well in my mind and then forget about them. Of course continuing to be civil, and not unkind. If possible. Hank

@sunnyflower It hurt you that your daughters alluded that, "they did not want to enable" you and caused resentment between the three of you.

You are carrying heavy emotional burdens that I imagine a therapist could help you sort through. I'm not sure where your daughters are coming from. For now I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that there may be a misunderstanding or that it is easier for them to blame you for your illness than deal with the grief of your diminished quality of life. A therapist may also be able to mediate between you and your daughters and help clear up any misunderstandings.

I'm wondering if you'd consider seeing a therapist virtually?

@sunnyflower Hi again, Sunny. I hear that your kids are so intensely busy with their own kids, jobs, etc. They actually do sound like extra special people. They are amazing, actually. For some reason, though, it just is not built into them to really help YOU. Are we wrong to think we deserve this? Is it like developmentally inappropriate to ask our kids to help? Is it NORMAL for them to mostly just attend to their own lives now? Perhaps, to some degree. I have a very dear Hindi girlfriend who has taught me so much about family through a Hindi perspective. In her Hindi culture, it is absolutely EXPECTED that children attend to their parents. If a parent needs help, they help. To top it off, my friend's kids help without being asked. They are attuned to their parents. They truly honor their parents. My girlfriend says that if she ever needs to live with one of her kids, it will just happen. She will be welcomed with grace. When she was in the hospital with cancer, her children stayed with her whenever they could. At some level, I think we raise spoiled kids, and we get taken for granted. I am so compassionate, that I would just naturally help. But many people are not like that at all. Because you gave your heart and soul as a mom, you would think it would be given back, at least to some degree. I don't know what the answer is. I have only one very busy son. Just had his second child, finishing grad school, a very intense job in pharmaceutical sales, and the kid barely says a word to me, ever. Did I raise him where he did not feel my love? Me? He had to feel it, cause, it's me. However, that is no guarantee of getting it back. We should not be loving in order to get it back, anyway. That does not seem right. I just do not know what the answer is. I just feel for you, sweet Sunny girl. You are like sunshine here. If I lived by you, I would help you as much as I could. Love to you, Lori

@sunnyflower Hi again, Sunny. I hear that your kids are so intensely busy with their own kids, jobs, etc. They actually do sound like extra special people. They are amazing, actually. For some reason, though, it just is not built into them to really help YOU. Are we wrong to think we deserve this? Is it like developmentally inappropriate to ask our kids to help? Is it NORMAL for them to mostly just attend to their own lives now? Perhaps, to some degree. I have a very dear Hindi girlfriend who has taught me so much about family through a Hindi perspective. In her Hindi culture, it is absolutely EXPECTED that children attend to their parents. If a parent needs help, they help. To top it off, my friend's kids help without being asked. They are attuned to their parents. They truly honor their parents. My girlfriend says that if she ever needs to live with one of her kids, it will just happen. She will be welcomed with grace. When she was in the hospital with cancer, her children stayed with her whenever they could. At some level, I think we raise spoiled kids, and we get taken for granted. I am so compassionate, that I would just naturally help. But many people are not like that at all. Because you gave your heart and soul as a mom, you would think it would be given back, at least to some degree. I don't know what the answer is. I have only one very busy son. Just had his second child, finishing grad school, a very intense job in pharmaceutical sales, and the kid barely says a word to me, ever. Did I raise him where he did not feel my love? Me? He had to feel it, cause, it's me. However, that is no guarantee of getting it back. We should not be loving in order to get it back, anyway. That does not seem right. I just do not know what the answer is. I just feel for you, sweet Sunny girl. You are like sunshine here. If I lived by you, I would help you as much as I could. Love to you, Lori

Well I had told him I do not want to be a burden so it is more me that asks very little of them. I'm talking about maybe one or two things a year at most and sometimes not even that much. No I have not addressed that because it is more one daughter alluding to the fact that the other daughter said it when they had talked about taking turns helping me approximately 2 years ago this fall I believe.

When I print it out my health conditions problem list and showed it to them individually, I told them that I felt I was put into this position to have to validate myself because of that comment. Neither one owned it and both of them barely reacted when seeing my very long list of diseases and conditions on paper. I cannot explain it, I do not get it. They have issues and were very much in the beginning of the victim mentality and entitlement mentality.

They have very good hearts and they have servant Hearts but it's more for friends and church family than for me. It hurts.

Like I said, they are both extremely busy and overcommitted but at the drop of a hat they can run to someone else's side.

I was married to their dad for 17 years and he was abusive. Children will always take out there pain/anger on the parent whose love they are most secure in and they will always try to please the parent whose love they are trying to win. A professional told me that their thinking is something like, oh well mom, she loves me, she'll forgive me.

I have told them that it is not the divorce that is responsible for their pain but more so the 17-year toxic marriage. I did not say anything bad about their dad nor do I except for when they became adults and have their own children and would make a comment here and there but I could count on one hand the times I had to say anything and that is different times to different kids so it wasn't much. I don't believe in doing that. Only when a conversation or something they said called for it.

I'm pretty sure that I have asked them to go to counseling together over the years and in fact it go to counseling just once right before the divorce but it did not go well.

Oh well it is what it is. It is an inconvenience to them that I am ill and I'm sure they have resentment that I have been unable to help in physical ways over the years although they have acknowledged I give a lot to my grandkids and they know that we have a very close relationship.

Thank you for your input, Sunny flower

Oh yes, I have Asian friends and that is their culture too. They honor their parents and take care of them.
I believe that most Americans, especially kids, don't have a clue what it means to honor anyone, especially their parents. I think it's tragic! I have told my girls that.

My oldest daughter and her husband told my husband and I that they want us to buy a place with a separate apartment so they can keep an eye on us and help us when needed. We currently live about 35-45 minutes away. We are blessed and grateful for their invite but don't anticipate it happening soon. We love our little condo and view of the the mountains too much. It's hard bc she is uber controlling and strong willed and intense and I am very gentle spirited and not controlling. I don't like having power over anyone. I 'm a warm fuzzie and she is not. We still hug and she always says she loves me and of course, I the same. 🤗❤️ Good night dollink 🥱