Caregiving and Working Overload: Have to make tough decisions

Hi Bill- Although I was at home with my husband because we were both retired. Being a caretaker takes a huge chunk out of you. My husband's doctor was extremely sensitive to my needs as well and kept pushing me to get help. But we couldn't find anyone to take a night shift.

My husband also had vascular dementia. And I had a broken back from continuously holding his weight up when he needed it. I had been treated for lung cancer and needed heavy doses of prednisone as a result. That did the trick of making my bones very weak and my middle back broke in two places. My husband had started getting paranoid, but I didn't think that he would change as quickly as he did. But they changed overnight!

I thought I was the only one who could care for David. I knew what he liked and how to talk to him. But most of all, I loved being with him. We still laughed and cried together. We had fun, even laughing about his mistakes at times. But the night that I was forced into seeing that I could no longer care for him without jeopardizing my safety was the last night he spent at home. He had become a paranoid schizophrenic and was a danger to himself and others.

And still, I soldered on. I was going to spend 24 hours with him in his hospice room. There was a pull-out chair, and that's what I slept on. Both my stepson and my son both flew in from their prospective states. But I shooed them to go to sleep somewhere more comfortable. After three nights of this, I collapsed into my stepson's arms and said that I couldn't do it anymore. Both he and my son spent alternating nights with David. Then I shooed them out, and he died that night. That was just eight months ago.

I kept soldering on until I couldn't anymore. The emotional toll, as well as the physical, just doesn't let up. What tired me out the most was the grieving as I watched David.

Is there a way to make a deal with your boss that if your "leave of absence" lasts beyond a certain amount of time, then you will retire? This way, you'd have the option if you wanted to return.

Merry

Hi @buddha- Yesterday I made a call because I am tired of just talking to a few friends and my family. But mostly, it's my 13-year-old cat and me! I just turned 77 and my husband was just 80 when he died in April. We had been married for 45 years.

We had both been retired, so there wasn't any job to turn to, and I was in pretty bad shape after he died. I was exhausted, still had a broken back, and was deeper than depressed. But as time went on, I felt better. I feel hopeful, I'm not sad and depressed all day long, and there are still things that I want to do. I'm not at my best yet, but hopefully, I'm not at my worst either.

The call that I made was to take a course at the University where I graduated in 1970. I didn't want a Zoom class; I wanted to go somewhere and see others. It's a writing class and I love to write. I'm not yet up to the standard that I was, but I might be someday in the future.

I never thought that I'd survive losing my husband. But I have. I was strong for him when he needed me. I'm learning that I can be strong for myself. You can be too!

Thank you and good luck!

Hi Bill,
Because of the stress involved in being a caregiver, and the fact that you now have a choice that could help you, I would seriously think about retiring. You project a little when you say that your wife could die soon after moving into a nursing home, but you could be right. If that happens, maybe you could go back to your job or find another job. The situation you are in is very stressful and you need to make a change to take care of yourself. Have you contacted Senior Services in your area? Could you afford to have a caregiver a few days weekly to give you free time? Have you contacted your hospital to see if they have trainees who might be available to help and need the experience? Or perhaps an advertisement in the newspaper, making sure you have their background checked before hiring?
I am sorry I don’t have a definitive answer for you but hopefully you will gain some insight as to what decision you might make.
Most of all, whatever decision you make, don’t let guilt get in the way. There are so many of us in your situation who understand and condone whatever decision you choose.
God’s blessings to you!

I wrote you a few days ago. I want to be more specific:
I qualified for Senior Services by sending them information about my financial status. Then they wanted to send a caregiver 3 days a week (free) but my husband isn’t ready for this help yet. They also help you file for Medicaid and prepare your taxes - again free.
So I would highly recommend you getting in touch with Senior Services in the county you live in.

Hi Bill,
It’s a month since you first posted, hoping you are having some more clarity as to what to do. I was the in-home caregiver to my husband, diagnosed with vascular dementia, and now am the twice weekly visitor, advocate, and expeditor for my husband in assistive living.
I would urge you not to quit your job and to make an appointment with an elder law attorney to get the facts as to how your state handles future Medicaid applications, you may be surprised. If my husband lives past the 5 year time limit on his LTC insurance, I will need to apply for him and do the “spend-down” as required, but I will not have to move from my house and will receive a portion of his pension and social security, as determined by the our state, related to avoidance of “spousal impoverishment”.
There may not be much of an inheritance for our or your children, but I was raised by Depression-era parents (and raised mine) to “get your education, get a job, work hard, and save”. Everyone paddles their own canoe, it’s wonderful to be able to receive financial help from parents, but you have to be prepared and work at paddling that canoe.
Don’t be afraid or feel guilty about placement, don’t feel like a martyr- that you are the only one who can provide good care. You will meet plenty of nice, competent, and friendly staff, who will provide do exactly that. My husband is the healthiest he’s ever been in the eight years I cared for him and now the one year in AL.
Best of luck, please put on your oxygen mask (especially a point now with the Alaska Air event😊).

Dear Merry
You were a gift from God to your husband!
Now is the time to be a gift to yourself.
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude.
Enjoy your time as special and then have fun beginning to write.
See the good in what you write and don't be personally critical as you regain your abilities and your passion.
The pain and grief you endured have helped you to grow.
Who you are and what you will now write will surprise you.
This life is precious now is your time .
Buddha

Why, thank you, Buddha. The class starts next month, and hopefully I'll be a bit more settled then and ready to take up my pen, or the keys on my computer.

Merry