Things people say to "help"

I have one holiday decoration that I put up each year, a card sent to me by a friend, which reads:
"I like spending the holidays with my family about as much as I like a sharp stick in the eye."

My very last holiday dinner with my sister and her family was about 5 or 6 years ago. There were about 12 of us seated at the table, including my sister's brother in law, who had way too much to drink, and is really an idiot (this is putting it mildly). For some reason or another the topic of the prison system came up, probably because at the time my nephew was a prison guard. All I said was, "In NY they are doing some great things to keep prison systems under control...." Well, that comment led to me being totally blasted by this fellow, and I was astonished when my sister just sat there and did not come to my defense. I promptly stood up, got my bag and said to my sister, "please take me home now, I am never coming back to one of your dinners." And guess what, I never have returned, nor have I been invited.

I have found that very few people care about how I, or anyone else for that matter, feels. They only care how I behave. Then I try to remember they are fighting their own unacknowledged battles and attempt to expect nothing. I also try to remember that everyone I meet has their own grief and may hurt me with the same words they use on themselves.

I am increasingly isolated as I am grieving so much loss and spend most days on the verge of tears. I have little to nothing to do with my sisters and am very careful around my mother whom I live with. She did acknowledge the other day that she never really showed me any love. She thought it was more important that I know how to behave. I know which utensils to use during an elegant dinner party.

I often feel that people avoid me because they do not or can not deal with the rawness of my pain. I make it a point to be open and vulnerable to provide an opening to others who want to talk. Listening to someone else never fails to make me feel better, so I invite people to talk and then try to be a good listener.

I send the two best hours of my day at the fitness center. I smile and say high to everyone. At first I'm not sure anyone knew what to make of me. I'm sure more then one woman thought I was hitting on her and at least a few guys probably thought I was gay. But now everyone says high to me. I don't talk that much to anyone in particular. It just nice to be around people who seem to be pleased to see me. I go out of my way to appreciate things other people are doing; we all want to be appreciated.

This is how I deal with the horrible things that the people who profess to care about me, (including medical professionals), often say. That and I have one friend who has also suffered greatly who cares as much about how I feel as I do about how he feels. We have breakfast together every Saturday.

Most days I just want to the day to end by whatever means necessary. I miss my ex-wife and children so much I can hardly breath. They are just the most important of everyone and everything that the treatment I received for the illness I may or may not have, took away from me.

Today I was training at the gym next to a young man who has severe mental illness, everyone avoids him. His is angry and unpredictable. He yells for help when he has tried to lift obviously too much weight and then curses those who rush to help him. Today when he yelled out I asked him if he was okay. He barked back that " he was always "angry, anxious and frustrated and he doesn't know why." I responded "me too".

I am lucky at least I know why.

I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.

Sadly most people are clueless or really they feel UNCOMFORTABLE in their own "skin" so when faced with a person who is suffering grab at meaningless straws. I am not so sure also they are being purposely rude, cruel but what does come out of their mouths is insensitive. It's the "pull yourself up by your boot straps" syndrome.
I also feel such folks are "afraid" to face a suffering person out of FEAR it could be them someday and go into denial, denial and denial. So they "pretend" all is well with everyone & everything in their world. When it is not.
It's the lucky person who does have a friend or relative who is really "tuned in" to know how to truly help a person suffering from a mental health condition or the heart breaking loss of a loved one. Such empathic folks are secure in themselves and can "give" of themselves to folks who are hurting so badly. I would simply suggest to ignore such insensitivity or - if you are up to it - simply say "you don't understand what I am going through and what you just said is not helping me at all, it's actually hurtful". Maybe, maybe (?) they will then get a sense of their behaviors and wise up for the next time they are faced with a family member or friend who is suffering.
Again, no one truly knows what another person is suffering until they have walked a mile in their shoes.
Hang in and hold on to all who are emotionally and mentally suffering. One small step at a time, one moment at a time. And always, always loving kindness to yourself!! You - yourself - are your own BEST friend.

in reply to @dougkeon I totally forgot about something.
The last time I saw my urologist she said to me: "You keep losing weight. Fran, I know God has a plan for you. I do not know what it is, but I know He has a plan..." Very comforting.

How about: "Time heals all wounds. "Or, "It is time you got over this. " "I know what you are feeling, I understand what you are going through. " My favorite, "You have to move on." My sister loves this one, but then again, she's "good."

Thank you for your comments! Yes, "heartless" certainly applies often. And it does seem that most people don't know what to say. Just "being there" is a million times more help than repeating stupid cliches. I was a radio newscaster for several years, and one of the scariest things to avoid is "dead air." I believe it's the same with people trying to help. They get uncomfortable when they are trying to help and there is dead air. So they think of anything they can to say. Saying nothing or only responding when asked and just being there can often (mostly?) be the best thing to do.

A thought about your sister who "numbs" out. In my humble opinion there is a major reason for this...having been "numbed" out for long periods in my own life. Trauma.
She does care about things but her "numbness" inhibits here from fully functioning and being in the moment.
This "numbness" is actually an emotional defense mechanism. Most likely learned from a young age in childhood. And most folks do not know how trauma literally can change the brain and not for the better. And such changes can be life long - especially when there are layers upon layers of trauma and it started in the formative years of childhood brain development.
It's so good to read you care about your sister despite it being "hard" to be around her.
You might think "my sister never had trauma in her life"...but this you truly do not know. What was a "nothing" incident for you - might have traumatized her without anyone else even knowing it.
Believe me, been there, done that. Anyone looking at me from the "outside" would see a highly functional, high achiever who accomplished much in life. But very few people know my inner world. And lots of people would not even "get it" so I say "nothing". But I paid a very high price for my trauma and numbness and still do to this day. The difference now is I am AWARE of it. Before, I was too numb to know!
Continue to care and love your sister. She will not be in your life forever. In the meantime simply try to be a bit more understanding. There may be so much you don't know about her and, most likely, will never know.

A thought about your sister who "numbs" out. In my humble opinion there is a major reason for this...having been "numbed" out for long periods in my own life. Trauma.
She does care about things but her "numbness" inhibits here from fully functioning and being in the moment.
This "numbness" is actually an emotional defense mechanism. Most likely learned from a young age in childhood. And most folks do not know how trauma literally can change the brain and not for the better. And such changes can be life long - especially when there are layers upon layers of trauma and it started in the formative years of childhood brain development.
It's so good to read you care about your sister despite it being "hard" to be around her.
You might think "my sister never had trauma in her life"...but this you truly do not know. What was a "nothing" incident for you - might have traumatized her without anyone else even knowing it.
Believe me, been there, done that. Anyone looking at me from the "outside" would see a highly functional, high achiever who accomplished much in life. But very few people know my inner world. And lots of people would not even "get it" so I say "nothing". But I paid a very high price for my trauma and numbness and still do to this day. The difference now is I am AWARE of it. Before, I was too numb to know!
Continue to care and love your sister. She will not be in your life forever. In the meantime simply try to be a bit more understanding. There may be so much you don't know about her and, most likely, will never know.