Things people say to "help"

Thank you so much for your advice! I'm wondering what my brother-in-law's response will be when I am again totally honest with him. He'll try to help with more jokes, etc. He's one of those guys who can't take bad or sad news. He's the type who always throws in a joke when with a group of people discussing a serious topic, or watching something sad on TV (including the news). He thinks that helps. Perhaps it's best to ignore his ignorance. That seems to help, and so far, is the best solution. It's like they say, you can't change another people, you can only change yourself. I'll keep working on it.

Thanks for your comments. Very helpful. And yes indeed, family and friends may not understand depression, but they certainly are trying their best to help.

I rarely talk about my problems or feelings with my family or friends. You be surprised on how people are really not interested. Hence the vague remarks.
It only hurts my feelings, I talk to my dog.

Good points. I'm with our tiny dog in the car right now, waiting for my wife to finish work. Yes, dogs are wonderful! No complaints or advice from her!

@dougkeon I've been handed a lot of comments that have been less than helpful. I won't try to make a list here, but things people say (and even more what their attitude is) have been hurtful and, for me, traumatic. I avoid such people as much as possible. We all need safe people. I haven't read through all the comments here, but I hope you have someone, perhaps a therapist/counselor, who will listen and speak empathetically to you.

Jim

Thanks Jim,
I can relate with all you say. I do see a counselor regularly. Dont have kids, but I am blessed with an incredibly supportive, understanding wife (whom I've put thru hell so many times). I can relate to avoiding certain people too. And I've cut back on the number of "Friends" on FB. So much "look at me and how happy and wonderful my life is, and pics of all these exciting places I've been to, and all our beautiful family and friends." (Anti)-Social Media can be very dangerous for those of us not living the "exciting, terrific, happy, spectacular, good and no bad lives." I only have friends I know and trust the few times I go on it. So good to have THIS platform to share with others the truth of reality!

in reply to @dougkeon Exactly. My sister was here on Monday, and over the weekend I had texted her that I had been having chest pains as a result of the stress from being a caregiver, and that I was also concerned about some lab tests I had to get today. Not one word was mentioned to me about either issue. As I was walking her out the door to her car, she mentioned my current UTI (I am laughing as I type this, seriously), and she said, "well that doesn't cause chronic diarrhea, do you have IBS?" Now we are nearing the neighbor's door, and I tell her, no I do not have IBS, but rather ulcerative colitis. "What do they do for that?" Nothing. Finally we got to her car, and said to me, "when people ask me how I am, I say, "I'm good." I reminded her that our mother did teach us to speak better than that, and that "good" is generally talking about the weather. Besides that, she is not "good" but rather a zombie because of some new medication that has caused a 360 in her personality and memory. I have learned not to share anything "medical" related with her, as this was the reason my other sister stopped talking to me years ago. She claimed some "life coach" who she spoke to on the phone told her to tell me she only wanted to talk about recipes. "There is always something wrong with you."
The last time I mentioned something "medical" to her, she dared to say, "get over it. you have nothing to complain about, you have a nice apartment and a lovely garden."
Interestingly enough, a few weeks ago she did send me a link that contained some great comebacks when someone asks how you are doing, and I have found them to be very helpful. My favorites are, "I plead the fifth" and "Why don't you go first?" Some of the responses really do catch people off guard, such as " I am wondering how you are."

Check it out: boxofpuns.com

in reply to @naturegirl5 Truth be told, the last time someone commented on my weight loss, I had to bite my tongue because I was about to respond, "Wow, you have really packed on some pounds." I just want to clarify however, that it's the women in my apartment complex who make these comments to me, not the guys. The men are so complimentary and gracious. I will say though, that I recently bought some fleece lined leggings and my sister did say, "You do not look like a cancer victim, those leggings look great." Finally. I wore them today and guess what, I felt quite swell. LOL. I bought this sweatshirt that says, "Yes I am Cold, ME 24:7" I was ironing it and trying to figure out where in the Bible 24:7 was until it finally dawned on me what it really meant. I felt so stupid!

in reply to @annewoodmayo Yes, I kind of like the response, "what is is, that is?" I have to admit something about the makeup. I don't spend a lot of time putting it on, and 80 percent of the reason I began wearing it was because I did want to look a bit more "alive" and it has been nice to get some compliments. On the other hand, Sunday I went to the pharmacy "as is" and even said to the pharmacist, "I didn't even wear makeup, and I know I look awful." She said, "It's Sunday and it's raining, who cares?" Then she gave me a $50 Starbucks gift card and some dandelion root tea, as it does have some healing properties, and has helped me with some of my stomach issues. I feel so fortunate to know people like this who really "care" while there are so many who just don't, or don't know how to "care."
My doctor friend thinks people act toward me as they do because they think I have cancer and do not know what to say.

Maybe I could try saying, : "I am fasting from people because it is so important to me."

I left Facebook because of the vitriol. I couldn't handle it. I've thought about reactivating my account, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Even my brothers and sisters are stressors. They don't get it. My son doesn't understand depression, and thinks I should be able to do certain things to get over it. My daughter is a therapist, so she certainly gets it, but she thinks that I should be in a better place after 20 years of treatment. She doesn't exactly agree with my doing talk therapy without specific goals. But it is what it is, isn't it. HA!

Jim