How do I grieve an estranged family member?

Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky. I've found this in my own family. A question--do you want to grieve your estranged daughter-in-law on a personal or social/ritual level? If the second, you might follow your usual customs/beliefs--prayer, giving charity, burning a candle--whatever usually gives you comfort. This wouldn't be too personal but just a ritual you might follow for anyone. If you want to remember her in a more individual way, then the added grief of estrangement comes in and you might want the support of a grief group (most funeral parlors have them and can refer to counseling) or to talk to a clergy person or counselor. I personally feel grief affirms our relationship to the deceased while having to let go as that relationship has now changed. I wish you all the best. As others have said here, you can still take care of yourself and family you are connected to.

I would send a card with a personal note expressing your sympathy and love...good luck !

Wow. I understand your pain. My son went no contact 5 years ago.
I can’t see my grandson or granddaughter. His wife died suddenly a few weeks ago. I know you are hurting.
I don’t know how to grieve my daughter in law. The last conversation we had was very hurtful. I pray we both find healing.

Family estrangements are common, though that doesn't make each individual estrangement unimaginably painful. My brother became estranged from my parents and me twenty years ago, and did not speak to my now-deceased parents or me again. I was my parents caregiver for 12 years, and following their deaths contacted my brother via email to let him know he was included as part of the estate settlement. I sent him the details regarding the disbursements. Once he had the money, the door closed shut again and I haven't heard from him in two years.

Here is some advice I found useful about toxic estrangements. " I give them a funeral. To be more precise I give the relationship a funeral to get closure and move on...I do it by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five steps of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. "

Estrangement is is so difficult--and often the "causes" just don't seem make sense and are murky. I've found this in my own family. A question--do you want to grieve your estranged daughter-in-law on a personal or social/ritual level? If the second, you might follow your usual customs/beliefs--prayer, giving charity, burning a candle--whatever usually gives you comfort. This wouldn't be too personal but just a ritual you might follow for anyone. If you want to remember her in a more individual way, then the added grief of estrangement comes in and you might want the support of a grief group (most funeral parlors have them and can refer to counseling) or to talk to a clergy person or counselor. I personally feel grief affirms our relationship to the deceased while having to let go as that relationship has now changed. I wish you all the best. As others have said here, you can still take care of yourself and family you are connected to.

I am estranged from my daughter and, in that estrangement, then I am also estranged from my only two granddaughters [twins], so it makes it additionally hard. I have sought counseling and I know that I need to accept it and move on, but when you don't know what happened to cause the estrangement, I am finding this nearly impossible. I have worked for years to reconnect with my daughter, but to no avail. We were very close and I was extremely close to my granddaughters. I just don't understand why she won't tell me what changed, what happened, to cause the estrangement. There was a stupid incident with her husband, which should not be causing this, but I have never been invited back to their home since. The girls were in grade school and they just turned 18. It breaks my heart and I don't know how to heal. My counselor thinks it may be a control issue by my son-in-law, even bordering on abuse of my daughter, and that tears me up to even think of her going through that when I can't help her. Again, I know I should move on, but she is my only child and the girls are my only grandchildren, so how do you give up on people you love so much? It is beyond my comprehension.
P

I am so so sorry. I feel every word of this message. I am not a counselor, but I am not sure you "should move on." As a mother, I think I am incapable of moving on from something like you describe. It seems to me that you have no choice but to try and find acceptance of the situation. As a non-expert, my hope for you would be that you could gradually spend less and less time thinking about the loss of that relationship and more and more time with people that enjoy your company and doing things you enjoy. I would hope you could find ways to spend your time that do not trigger the pain of the loss of that relationship. I pray that you find things and people to fill your life and make it meaningful. I don't think I would ever be capable of completely moving on from the loss of relationship with my own child. I will pray for you and your daughter and granddaughters.

nrocpop, Thank you so much for your understanding as a Mother. I keep saying the same thing. Essentionally, how do I "move on" from my one and only child and my precious granddaughters. I have failed to be able to do so. My daughter is from my husband who died at the age of 28, and I was 23, so she is the daughter of the love of my life, making it all the harder. She has been the focus of my entire life from the day she was born. When she was born, my husband was in the same hospital in Cardiac ICU, waiting for his first open heart surgery. I found out later that the Drs decided to wait on the surgery until she was born so that he was able to see his daughter before he went in for his surgery. She was just 15 months old when he died. He had two open heart surgeries in a year. So, my feelings for her are also entangled in all the memories of her father. Again, thank you for understanding from a Mother's point of view. My counselor just doesn't seem to get that. And thank you for such wonderful advice. Your response was truly beautiful. ❤️
P