At the end...time to jump?

Im desperately hanging on......I dont want to leave....my brain is constantly tellung me otherwise.
I need someobe other than therapist, thats just ligging time, to talk to..I have no one to reach out to....will you help?

Hi @smead8867, I'm so glad you've come back. We've been thinking about you since you posted your first message here https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/at-the-end-time-to-jump/. I merged both your discussions into one so you can see the posts from me, @malo @aesling @gracer @marciak9 and @pkh3381.

You're hanging on and you don't want to leave. That's good. You've found a way to not listen to your brain. Yes, you have people to talk to here. We are someone other than your therapist. As pkh says, we're not professionals, but we can chat through text on the screen. As you can see there can be a lag time between messages. So never forget if you need to talk to someone right away, you can always call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
– Call or text 988
– Chat with a counsellor at https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S. You don't need your phone. You can chat on your computer.

If you want to chat with virtual friends here, please continue to post. You may wish to join this discussion here:
- Lonely and Just want to talk with virtual friends here https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/very-lonely/

Today is a new day. It's a bit chilly where I am. The leaves are all down from the trees so now I can see the blue jay more clearly from my window looking into the tree. It's time for coffee and then a brisk walk. Regardless of weather I take a short or long walk every morning to get the morning light. It helps regulate my mood.

Smead, how are you doing this morning? What do you see out your window?

You are not alone!

I believe each of us has the right to decided when our life is no longer worth living.

I also believe that each of us is a light that might just illuminate the way for someone else who suffers.

If you have the time and inclination review my posts. I am a man who has been to the top of the mountain (at least as Western society would have it) and to the valley's of hell. I've lost or destroyed everyone and everything that has ever mattered to me. I was released from prison four years ago after having been incarcerated for two and have years for an assault I committed during a psychotic break, to an empty and bleak existence.

When I was arrested I was fifty years old and married to the love or my life for twenty years. We have four beautiful children. I was retired from a billion dollars business we built and sold at my age forty six. I was the owner operator of four new business. A leader in the community and together with my wife, a contributor to many causes we were fortunate enough to be a part of.

I am now sixty. I live on disability with my eight six year old mother who I can not yet find forgiveness for. My wife was forced to divorce me to protect herself and the children. I have had no contact with my beloved children since the SWAT team attested me ten years ago.

I often wish the police had shot me ten years ago.

When I go to bed at night I frequently hope that I won't wake up in the morning.

The only thing that keeps me going is the little spark of life that remains within me that tells me others might benefit from my experience. Maybe, just maybe, the others might be my ex-wife and children.

So everyday I go out of my way to be nice to people. I say hi to strangers, visit with the homeless, and contribute to this community. I try to take stock of what I do have, namely me and I am formidable. I bet you are too!

We who have suffered the assault of our own mind and body have a lot to offer the world. I've made it my mission in life to try to change the way mental illness is treated. I use what is left of my brain to do research and write everyday. Does anything I do really make any difference? I often think not.

But what else can I do?

If I'm honest a part of me hopes that if I can shine bright enough my wife and children will come back to me.

The reasons don't really matter. I've found something to keep the light of my life shinning for another day. Sometimes the best I can do is to get through the next few minutes.

I will share with you that after doing a lot of research I came to believe that I had been misdiagnosed fifteen years ago. It took some convincing but eventually my doctors agreed and have been helping me make the needed changes to get my life back. The better I get the more support they give me.

I don't know if anything could have made me start asking questions other than having come to the absolute end of my own ego. Perhaps accepting that I was going to die allowed me to let go enough to finally make changes.

For me I had to banish the idea of cause and blame, yes I have suffered a number of injustices, but so have most people. I had to stop being a vicim of my own sorrow and grief and put one foot in front of another even though I didn't want to.

If my words help you find even a little peace then perhaps that's enough.

I will keep fighting. I hope you will too.

I hope you find the peace you deserve!