How do you respond to offers of help?

Posted by Colleen Young, Connect Director @colleenyoung, Nov 2, 2023

When you or a loved one are going through treatment or you've shared about a new diagnosis, family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors often mean well. They may offer encouraging words or make offers like, "let me know how I can help!" Sometimes they say the wrong thing entirely. Let's talk about it!

How do you respond when someone offers a general statement like "let me know how I can help"?
What offers do you find most helpful?
What isn't helpful?
What do you say when you don’t want what is being offered?
Any other advice?

February 23, 2024: Update from the Community Director

The knowledge exchange shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. Knowledge for patients by patients and beyond Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for all your tips.

'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help

Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

msandbreastcancerwarrior | @msandbreastcancerwarrior | Nov 13, 2023

“No, thank you, I’m fine.”

Even (especially) when I am not fine.

pkh3381 | @pkh3381 | Nov 13, 2023

In reply to @msandbreastcancerwarrior "“No, thank you, I’m fine.” Even (especially) when I am not fine." + (show)

I completely understand and appreciate what you are saying, but we also need to understand that we all do need help at some times in our lives, and need to know how to accept it graciously. Now, realize that I post this as someone who has already said asking for, or receiving help is very, very difficult for me, so I am not criticizing you in any way. I do understand.
P

monica1234 | @monica1234 | Nov 14, 2023

In reply to @scottrl "Thank you. In fairness, I did hear from some people, just not very many. I spent..." + (show)

I am so thankful that things have gotten so much better for you....and yes, when we have someone by our side, that makes things a million times better! It sounds like you have accomplished SO much since the stroke....I am happy for you. Just keep on keeping on....we all go through awful times....how well I know....but we have to keep looking up and eventually, we are grateful that we did. Hugs and stay happy....and also, as healthy as you can!!

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Feb 23 3:11pm

Hi all,
The knowledge shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. I like to call this knowledge for patients by patients.

Thank you everyone for your tips and the ongoing conversation, with special thanks to quoted members @samclembeau @lbrockme @scottrl @jk77 @lbrockme and @mir123.

Here are the articles:
- 'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help https://www.mayoclinic.org/connected-care/no-thank-you-and-other-ways-to-respond-to-offers-of-help/cpt-20548305
- Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing https://www.mayoclinic.org/connected-care/hold-the-casserole-what-people-really-want-when-healing/cpt-20558692

I love the title of the second article! What tips would you add?

Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Feb 23 4:24pm

In reply to @colleenyoung "Hi all, The knowledge shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the..." + (show)

As someone with health challenges, there are days it is near impossible to interact with others. I have explained to those close to me, who have offered open-ended help of all sorts, that I want to continue to do as much as I can, for as long as I can, on my own. It is with great appreciation that I hold these friends in my heart, knowing that they truthfully could be called on in the middle of the night if need be. My tip is to just "be there" and "be available"; you never know when I will need/want that extra help! It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but knowing there is someone to rely on makes my own journey easier.
Ginger

joaf37 | @joaf37 | Feb 24 11:54am

I scanned these but didn't see one comment I expected to see .. may be in the communications somewhere -- different people may want different support. Or, different support at different times. Admittedly this next part should likely be put in the Need A Laugh section. I had major foot surgery relatively recently -- thinking "gee, how bad could a foot be?" I had no idea... they gave me a couple of strong Rx for taking at first which I knew would be powerful but I didn't know they had to cut a main nerve and also gave me a nerve block per what was going to be the pain. I live alone so a neighbor and I agreed I would call her morning, noon and night ..if I missed one call she or her husband would come check on me. Day two I didn't feel that bad was surprised but not knowing ever thing -- piece of cake. The AM call went fine, noon went fine but that evening my iphone wasn't working. I hate them anyway so mentally was thinking profane thoughts about the thing including that the phone buttons weren't even working . Keep in mind per the Rx my brain wasn't totally in gear. I then realized iphones don't have buttons. I was "dialing" the TV remote. Case in point: we may also need support we don't know we do at various times.

Len Allman | @newhorizons | Feb 25 4:50am

In reply to @joaf37 "I scanned these but didn't see one comment I expected to see .. may be in..." + (show)

Sounds like you need another person with you at ALL medication times!
I DID!
Especially helpful so you don't miss a dose or to avoid double dosing.

Len Allman | @newhorizons | Feb 25 5:00am

In reply to @joaf37 "I scanned these but didn't see one comment I expected to see .. may be in..." + (show)

Maybe you were using a remote control when the iPhone didn't respond.

Was your garage door going up and down during that time?

Keep Smilin'

joaf37 | @joaf37 | Feb 25 12:04pm

That event was a few months ago but don't know about the garage door ( classic comment on your part) I couldn't get to it for a time but my car was still there and the door was closed when I finally could.

samcal9977zz | @samcal9977zz | Feb 25 12:58pm

Personally, I believe that anyone facing an extreme challenge can benefit from counseling.

I think that the emotional desire to refuse help could either be the right psychological choice for us or the wrong psychological choice for us.

Just because we feel a certain way, does not necessarily mean that is what we should do.

And with extreme challenges of health, I do not think there is time for flipping a coin. We really have to know what course of action is best for us, even if it is not something we want to do.