Failures - how do you cope?

After having a few rough happenings (not worth rehashing here suffice to say that even as ballsy as I am I would not want to go through them again nor wish them on my worst enemy - if I had one), I lost the ability to view life objectively, and had a skewed view of my place and perceived value in the world, and started to see things from a comparative perspective only, while neglecting to hold any intrinsic value in myself while doing so (thus making everything else better, and me pretty much worthless).
I soon realised I needed to put a boot in my own backside for being such a silly person towards myself - I’d never treat or devalue anyone else that way, so I shouldn’t do it to me.
At the time, I was homeless (the cause of the homelessness was a thousand times worse than actually being homeless) and sleeping on top of bus stop shelters - those little roofs where people sit under on a bench waiting for a bus - to keep myself safe at night (kinda cool compared to what I’d escaped). My meals came from trash cans - some of those were amazing, and I was truly thankful that someone could afford to throw away such nice food. I would wash in the school bathrooms, and would get to school a couple hours early to clean my uniform and smalls in the sink and dry it under the hand dryer before classes started. My satchel was a plastic bag, and I found pens on the ground or left on desks. At that time I didn’t have notebooks, just sheets of paper that I asked to have from other students, torn from their own notebooks. Then, I got one job, then another, then another (3, all part time). I bought shoes, then another uniform, then found a place to live that would let me rent a place as a minor (was a battle to get adults to come out of their biased attitudes and realise age doesn’t mean it’s ok to discriminate - being a minor did not have a bearing on my ability to work, pay rent, and uphold tenancy). I did have days early on when I felt like the entire world had crashed and I would never have any hope, worth, or ability again, however I think (in my case) having nobody to support me - only adversity from every angle (including systemically) - forced the sink or swim/live or die where you stand response, and I just had to think my way through, nurture myself through, acknowledge how bloody awful it all was (and scream and cry in fear and emotional pain and physical exhaustion), but then take a breath and look for the good things, like being so resourceful that I ended up finding food for other homeless people by scouting the restaurant and market bins at closing time, without being seen, and finding a tap on the back of a building over a fence where we could get drinking water. Now, back then I know I was struggling with massive depression and anxiety, PTSD and nightmares (I fell off the roof of the bus shelter more than once after jolting in my sleep) but that I believe was only normal, and the product of experiencing traumatic events. However, I think what was so helpful was having the sink or swim effect, as it really focussed me on treating myself well/with value and respect so I could then show others that is what I expected, and also use that to move my life forward by seeking out opportunities (no matter how small), and systematically progressing from one small achievement to the next.
I still have moments where I think of the bottomless pit of black fear that threatened to suck me down to my own demise, and I still feel it in all it’s horrible glory, but I then can see the other side of things, and get some balance seeing some positives of who I am and what those series’ of small achievements did to help me live a life. I also used to project my mind into the future, asking myself what will life be like in a year/5 years/10 years when I was sleeping on the roof of the bus shelter, and I would imagine finishing schooling, working, furthering education, rebuilding my life.
Things didn’t work out perfect (my ex husband isn’t the kind of guy I would go hang out with on the weekend at all, and I have some pretty annoying health issues), however that’s ok - nothing is perfect; all that matters is to keep putting one foot in front of the other while heading in the right direction and making a little bit of effort to consciously do that each day that you can.
I do feel for you guys - it’s not easy.
But nobody expects perfection and besides, life’s better off without it because then you can put that and the difficulty of achieving it aside and really see how a mistake laden world is actually full of opportunities to learn from and master those mistakes 🙂🌺

Your story is very inspiring and very heartbreaking as well. If my son read it, his reaction would be to think that, given his experiences and situation which are no where near as dire as yours have been, he has no “reason” to be so despondent and depressed. So the guilt of being fortunate enough to have a mother (me) to provide for him and help out his son and ex-wife and, while feeling grateful for that, nonetheless makes him feel that much worse about how he feels! It’s almost as if he feels he doesn’t “deserve” to be depressed even though he knows this is a legitimate illness and it colors everything that he sees, distorts his perceptions, etc. It’s so complicated and he can be so kind to others and empathize but can’t find the forgiveness in himself for himself. Six years ago he spent a month at Sierra Tucson in the mood disorder program and the sign at their entrance says “Expect a Miracle.” I had that put on a wooden sign that now hangs in our home so I continue to hope…

My heart goes out to you and the entire family because this sounds really challenging and painful, and almost like it is becoming compounded over time (please accept my apology if I have that wrong - I mean no judgement or offence, and know I say it from where things look from the ‘outside’ based on what I have read here in the parts of your story you’ve kindly shared) ❤️‍🩹
Breaking cycles of guilt and unworthiness that are crippling is very hard. I have seen this in other people I’ve known who have said they feel like ‘total failures’ and don’t deserve anything like good things because they had certain expectations (from various sources, including perceived) that were not considered by them to be met for whatever reason, and now they can’t gather the strength and resilience needed to come out from all that guilt and strong sense of failure leading to complete breakdown of self worth, and the emotional changes it has brought on them (depression, anxiety, phobia, for instance) which have led to a loss of function and participation in society.
The answer? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that (using my own example here, as an illustration) actively using brain power to change the inner narrative to one that rejects any thought that puts yourself down, and replacing it with one that is positive is a kind place to start. That’s not easy, and it sounds like a fake thing to do - but the challenge to that is that consistently reinforcing negative impressions of who you are and what you might not have accomplished is just as ‘fake’ because nobody knows the future, whether they will meet their own expectations no matter what kind of background or life or family support they had, so to be harsh to oneself for not achieving something that wasn’t a guaranteed outcome anyway is not consistent with what actually happens: we go along in life and try our best but sometimes ‘s*** happens’ that we have no control over or our decision making wasn’t well enough informed to make the right calls. A part of life that no individual should really feel awful about themselves for, I believe.
I hope this lands well - know it comes from care and support for the situation you guys are facing 🙂

Let's start from a place where there's no place to go back to find where things may have gotten wrong, and feel bad and guilty and awkward about oneself -- and start with a new premise altogether different that is called finding PURPOSE: What am I living FOR?

It can't be health and strength, including mental health bc then the question will come again: These healthy states for what, after all there are pretty strong and healthy (tho we not call them Mentally healthy) if they are in prison.
Nor it can be power and fame and money slush. One will still feel: Now what? As you say, your son feels as if he has nothing to feel good about Himself. And that can only come when I use my hours of the day in ways that will make me give Some sense that I did spend my time rightly -- even if I feel as if I am still not an inch closer to where I'd like to be.

It's not my opinion -- the former NIMH Director Dr Insel says that when he asked what the issue is with those on street with addiction, he was told by the psychiatrist dealing with them: Three P's: place, people (friends) and purpose (a guiding principle to live life that you feel good about; indeed proud about.

Once you have pride in your Own efforts, you won't need others' approval. Self approval speaks volumes -- in good health via good sleep, stress management and adequate physical activity.
Let your son have the joy of self-approval and self-validation via his own unique gifts that each of us bring with us at birth, and leave humanity a little better.

Purpose is enormously important. I know too many people who lost their purpose, then their life.

You may find this interesting. A video, "Living With Purpose After a Stroke".

It's a five-minute interview on SilverSneakers Live from April of this year.

If the interviewee looks like my profile pic, well...that's not a coincidence.

Very inspiring, thank you. I agree about the importance of purpose. I think what happens with my son is that - since he has been a perfectionist and at times an over-achiever - he’s become over focused on results rather than the process or the effort. He volunteers with several community groups but in his dark moments professes his frustration and despair at not having power to “make a difference.” He’s applied for various jobs and when he doesn’t get them becomes discouraged and says that nothing he does makes him feel any better. As others - especially mgrspixi25 - have noted here this is a destructive pattern. And I know that only he has the power to break that pattern of negative thought - something that I have told him as I’m sure his therapists have as well.

It's got to be tough to deal with.

I understand the desire to make a difference. I spent my whole career on that mission. I was in corporate training, and I wanted to make stuff better -- jobs easier and more fulfilling, profits better, waste reduced.

The thing is, it's really hard to know what difference you're making. Yes, I had projects that measured huge improvements. But most of the time, I had to do my best and let it go.

And sometimes in life, the "difference" is totally unexpected. After my stroke, the last thing on my mind was that I would become a motivational speaker about recovery. But it's happening. No one is more surprised than I am.

Even Jesus didn't know the difference He was making. Some seed lands on fertile soil, some rocky. It's impossible to predict what grows. So you do your best and have faith.

It's one thing if someone like me overcame with depression and other ailments of the age -- I'm 80 with no mental health or general health problems probably an outcome of living a lifestyle that is mot conducive to achieve what I wish in my remaining years. It's very hard to see those in the prime of life who are fallen into conditions but that respond well with healthier lifestyle. (As U notice my impetus for healthy lifestyle is spurred by my larger purpose)

Now since your son seems to have experience (besides education), is he not able to sell his "achievements" to potential employers? In my case I was able to have the best jobs only a few years before retirement because of lack/minimum years of North American experience.
While work is a big boost to one's sense of self, there are two other things that also dampen the depression severity: friendship and nutritious food with general physical activity. Since he volunteers, he likes the work too, and so there is already a possibility of friendship with other volunteers or with people helped, right? It's one thing I'm constantly on the lookout Every day. Tomorrow I'm going to introduce 'wordle' game in a social at local library and will try my luck at public lectures. So far no success, but as the last lines of the Great Gatsby reads...'tomorrow will be another day, boats against the current....' Struggle is the other half of what makes us hope for pleasant surprises, right?
Good luck to both of you.