Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?

You are so right! After going through the double mastectomy, chemo, Herceptin for a year, infections related to implants, reconstructive surgery I have lost who I used to be and I am trying to find out who I really am if that makes sense. I am afraid of every little pain or change and every time I have to go sit on lab results or a scan. There should be some type of help or support for after all the treatments. Maybe it’s just me

This reply is for an old chat but:
I agree with the meditation app suggestion. It helps a lot to relax you or even to help you get some sleep. I listen to one from "Abide" on YouTube. They have so many to choose from on their site. Or try others with a non-religious theme, they help too. I put it on every night, I tend fall asleep calmly just listening to their stories, I love it.

I couldn't agree more, it is so true. Once you have or had the "Big C" every little thing happening with your health, No matter how simple it might be it becomes a threat sending you into an emotional roller-coaster that is ingrained in you forever....it's our new Normal.

Even if you try to stay positive, even if you feel good, even if your cancer didn't need any treatment when first diagnosed or afterwards the fear of the Future is so REAL..

"NO One understands the Fear, Insecurity, Sadness, Anxiety and Frustration that most people feel unless they have walked in their shoes".

So best wishes, love and prayers to everyone here that are trying their best to be happy, healthy and positive under the circumstances.

My advise to all of us is: Smile and be Thankful for today, Pray for tomorrow and Try to mitigate as much as possible those negative thoughts that will come our way sooner or later, we got this!

It's not just you! I think we all experience it to some extent .
Early on in my cancer journey someone said "so good the cancers gone!" Internally, I realized I didn't feel that way. That to some extent it was always going to be there. But then I decided that I wasn't going to let it run my life and make decisions for me... I wasn't going to spend more time focused on " it" then I had to. It wasn't going to be an idol in my life. I began to shift my thinking to this... as inviting me to live ... to be fully present and engaged with the life that has been given us ... before it passes us by.
Fully present in each moment as much as I can be.
Cancer dx is a form of trauma and we all handle trauma differently at different times. It's about building our resilience now... doing enjoyable things, grounding in nature, positive relationships healthy habits, releasing stress.
Wishing you the absolute best days ahead!!

Wow, truer words were never spoken. I'm amazed at how articulate you are about it. Kudos.

I'm a complete sniveling sobbing useless mess of excrement. And I'm sick to death of being sick to death. I've had PTSD most of my life because of horrifying experiences at the hands of doctors. I have never been able to just "let it go." I can't forget, and that makes trusting doctors very difficult. I know being a doctor is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. But respect is a two way street. If only doctors listened more, and I mean TRULY listened - appointments would go faster and treatment would be more successful.

In 2003, at the age of 25, I received a sudden and unexpected diagnosis of lymphoma. The situation was dire, with the location of the lymphoma giving me only about three days left to live. Swiftly, I underwent surgery and began chemotherapy within a week. This abrupt turn of events left me grappling with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The speed of the diagnosis and subsequent treatment left me little time to process the enormity of the situation. Despite returning to school and work just three months later, I found myself harboring resentment and anger at the drastic shift my life had taken. While others admired my perceived strength, I struggled to connect with the reality of facing cancer. Pity from others became a source of frustration, making me less sympathetic to those complaining about illness. Compassion became a conscious effort for me, I don't want to feel like this.

Even now, years later, I live with the lingering fear of another blood cancer. I find it challenging, given the traumatic nature of my past experience. The memories are vivid – the red infusion solution pumping through tubes, triggering unexpected reactions like the taste of metal upon seeing someone drink red Kool-Aid through a swirly straw and getting nausea.

Recently, a routine blood workup revealed dangerously high Hemoglobin and Hematocrit levels along with the presence of the JAK2 mutation. The fear is palpable, and I'm grappling with anxiety about what the future holds. Despite my partner's perception of me as a hypochondriac due to annual blood work anxiety, each test serves as a stark reminder of the fragility of health and the ongoing battle against my fears.

I hear you. It is a trauma inducing situation. A normal reaction to a totally abnormal situation. For me, the down button on the elevator is a trigger. Weird I know ... but down in the basement is where life changed, pain happened, choices in my life were removed and losses in my life multiplied. It is truly like a picture of my life... standing before that button... reaching out to push it ... and hesitating.
It was a choice to make , a courageous choice I now recognize, to push down and not to simply walk out of the elevator. I did walk out once, abruptly to the surprise of everyone in the elevator I pushed aside. But I waited, Took a deep breath and re-entered, pushing the down button.
I dread my favorite season... fall. Because it's the months of my first diagnosis and yearly biggest testing.
As a Crisis trained Chaplain, I know that the best thing to do is have someone talk about their experiences. To process it that way, as soon as possible. But Drs don't want to hear this, really they can't, as their empathy and compassion has to be objective to treat us. And family doesn't really want to understand your hurting, because they don't know how to process it themselves or help you with it as well.
Writing this letter here probably helped you a lot. Maybe finding someone you can speak to who can help you process the pain, fear and anxiety that you feel might help you. A counselor, faith based leader, understanding friend who is willing to hear you.
Just know , we all experience it to different levels and ways.
Do things that ground you, like walking in the sun. In nature, doing things that you enjoy... laughing, loving , living present in each moment. Don't let the inability of others to comprehend your experiences cause you to repeat a negative narrative in your head.
Don't feed on that. Nourish yourself mentally, physically, Emotionally and spiritually with positive things, hope filled things.
Prayers for you

I am truly struggling so very badly and I have no clue as to why I can’t pull myself together emotionally. I have been so very depressed. Not going anywhere not clean, sometimes my hygiene is questionable I don’t understand. I made it through the chemo, a year of Herceptin infusions, implant infections, losing my right nipple, had oxygen chamber therapy 30 times I ended up having to do the diep flap had three fat grafting sessions and now my insurance refuses to pay for more even though it’s horrible looking. Anyway, I am on an antidepressant but I have no desire to do anything or see anyone I think I feel as if I don’t know who I am anymore. I was an RN for years now I can’t work because of fatigue and chemo fog. I am sorry guys I don’t mean to dump but I need help somehow something has got to change or help. I have never had these emotions of no self worth or whatever this is. Thanks for listening.

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear your words of despair. You can dump here anytime. It's completely understandable why you feel the way you do and are in a hole. Sometimes when we're so lost in our minds we stifle our growth and problem solving skills to see our way out . You have been challenged and overcome quite a lot, be proud of that, be kind to yourself. While I have never had cancer, I do live with chronic pain condition which caused me to lose my career just like you and question who I was and what my purpose is. This rebuilding process takes time and small steps towards finding yourself again. Sometimes the calm after the storm is when we really get lost but please know that through every bad storm the sun always comes out again. Can you think of one small thing that you can do today that may begin forward motion again for you to realize that you count, you matter, and you will get through this temporary setback ?

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much to know that someone understands when I say I have lost who I was. I don’t know who I am emotionally and definitely don’t like who I am physically. Sounds vain and I never thought I was before.