How do you respond to offers of help?

Coincidentally, Scott, I will be attending an "Open Mind" online seminar, given by UCLA Friends of Semel Institute on Stroke Prevention and Acute Treatment. As you only too well know, one can't be too careful! Open Mind offers a free seminars that quite excellent and informative. https://www.friendsofsemelinstitute.org/open-mind
P.S. I just checked out one of your youtubes and subscribed! Well done!

Thanks for the link, and special thanks for subscribing!

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My husband has PNET, he was diagnosed 2 years ago. While in the supermarket one day (I had finally used the phrase, my husband is dying from Cancer, so it was a reality in the face day) I ran into a friend I knew from town, she asked how hubby was, I answered, then she LAUNCHED into a dissertation about a Rife machine! And then after politely declining, she went on! She then told me how a man from our town cured himself with this Rife machine, She then said if I buy this machine for $15,000, she will buy it from me when i'm finished with it. I told her it was odd as the man from town was in my clinical trial.......When I saw her again, the same thing! AND she did it to friend of mine that just had double mastectomy etc.....I just think it's a very personal thing and I was very taken a back! At one point, I asked her if she knew what type of cancer he had and how it works? Any suggestions?

Just to be clear...I am not hurt or angry or crestfallen. I love them and know they want to help me. I just don't need any help at this time and a visit would be a burden right now, not a help.
I have had to tell my sister that at least 4 times all of what you have said (house clean, etc..) I don't know how to be more clear. Believe me, I was 100% clear, but they don't believe me.
They are so desperate to help me, that they don't hear what I am saying.
I know to some that sounds wonderful to have family and friends that care so much and believe me I feel lucky to have them in my life, but it is smothering me and making me feel bad that I am "rejecting" their help....help I don't need.
I have told them I will call for help when I am in need. Their love is becoming more of a burden than a help.
Most of my friends have accepted that, others have not.
This thread was to explain that we are not all the same when it comes to help.
Some people love it when they say they don't need anything, but neighbors come over anyway.
Some of us prefer to be alone when we don't feel well.
I think it is a great question and shows how different we all are.
No judgment on what is the correct way to be when someone is ill. we are all individuals. we just have to learn to actually hear each other and respect how we may be different.
And maybe understand that family and friends maybe would help if asked, but just don't want to intrude.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You don't owe anything to her. It's OK just to turn your back and walk away. Perhaps she's trying to exploit you, or perhaps not, but you need only positive and supportive people in your life right now, not people pushing snake oil. Optionally, you can share a link with her like this one (but it's unlikely that it will convince her if she already believes in magic-magnet machines):
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/treatment/complementary-alternative-therapies/individual-therapies/rife-machine-and-cancer

I had to look up what a Rife Machine was. Apparently they sell on Ebay for about $1500. A "friend" trying to sell me something at 10x street value isn't much of a friend!

That aside, I am very sorry to hear of your husband's condition.

Stick with people who are on your side. Not everyone who offers "help" is in that category.

I think it is wonderful to have friends that know what you need and just deliver. It is hard, for me, to ask for help. So when it is given to me it is also hard to accept it. Im glad you have found people that can help you in the areas that you are willing to receive it. My husband always reminds me that it is okay to accept encouragement and help from other people, but that is much easier said than done.

My neighbor had called to check on me and I explained that I had a stair ban so would be upstairs for a week. She rallied other neighborhood friends and told my husband to leave the door unlocked when he left for work. One walked in, sat the picnic basket beside the Bed and said “feel better” and left. Every day for five days one of them delivered (I did make husband wash up contents and walk the basket next door each evening.)

Left to my own instincts I would have difficulty accepting the help. But I’m southern to the core and the intrinsic mandate of being gracious won out, less generations of my female ancestors haunt me 🙂

Thanks to car accidents and mountain climbing during the 1960s thru the 1980s, I now have no cartilage in either knee. Walking for more than 20 minutes is a crippling chore. Carrying groceries up a flight of stairs is difficult. I have a neighbor who always offers to help but I generally smile and say: Thanks, but I need to do this. I need the exercise.
I think part of that is really true. I DO need the exercise! But also I feel "less than" when some-one sees me struggling and offers assistance. It flies against my self-image. Even tho I do drive a car with Ct State Handicap sign, and I am grateful to be able to park in handicap designated areas, I don't like to be reminded of my condition by well intentioned people.
I am a past master of alienation and isolation. My favorite song says it all, even now, 50 years or more since it was on the radio, but it still resonates with me. I want to be a rock on an castle that has a moat keeping people away. But when you reach 70 years of age you can't be quite as independent as when you were young.

Good topic!

Someone once told me – and I've come to understand what he said was true – that learning to acknowledge offers of help, especially if you have – as I have been – an independent cuss, takes practice. I was awful at acknowledging offers of help at first (No, no, no, I can do it!) It took time for me to accept that my debilities were real and that they weren't going to go away any time soon. Today, I'm a decent accepter of help (at least I'd like to think I am).

There are still occasions, most often when it's my partner who is the one who is offering the helping hand, when I catch myself being a little snappish. But at least now I'm catching myself. Almost always, I'm quick with an apology (I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that).

But learning how to handle offers of help did take practice. I had to practice deliberately. I'm glad I did. We're all much more relaxed now: my friends, my partner, and me.

Ray (@ray666)