Talking about depression and suicidal thoughts

Hi @mattn, I'm listening. You're message is not incoherent at all. You paint a good picture with words.

Being an empath - someone who feels more empathy than an average human - can be very emotionally draining and isolating. Having empathy is an asset, but too much of a good thing is just too much and overwhelming.

Reading this article, I think you can relate to many of the traits described.
- 15 Signs You Might Be an Empath https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-an-empath

Equally, there are many articles online about how to cope with being an empath. You are not alone.

I'm tagging fellow members like @jimhd @johnjames @jonasd @audriana who, like you have had thoughts of suicide and even had a plan or attempted. They can share what gives meaning for them and how they manage their struggles, sometimes with daily reminders and sometimes with challenges.

Matt, you mention that therapy really helped when you gave it try. Know that set backs are normal, but you can feel better again. Are you still seeing your therapist?

Hi Matt,

I'm listening and hear you so loud and clear. As I was reading your message I thought my son had written it. My youngest son and I are both empaths. There is no question that life is more challenging for us but equally more joyful at the same time. We feel everything to a heightened degree and tears are always lurking behind our eyes.

Part of your struggle is your age. You are very young and feelings/hormones/maturity all play havoc with your mind. I strongly recommend you see a Psychiatrist for a full evaluation and appropriate meds, if needed, to stabilize your thoughts along with any wild mood swings . Trust me, it gets better with age and the tools you'll acquire in your toolbox to cope, with talk therapy.

Another decision that both myself and eventually, my son, came to is a good career choice where our talents could be appreciated and we would be fulfilled. We both chose to work in the healthcare field. I operated nursing homes and he became an RN three years ago. He is now 42 years old but doing exactly what he was cut out for. It's never too late to change course. We are very clear what is important in life and when You are challenged, ask yourself, "will this matter in five years"? Keep and develop a healthy perspective, it will help you to cope with the challenges, as they are an important part life too that teach us.

My son went through everything you've described, smoked MJ everyday, worked many jobs, got addicted to porn and tried to end his life a few times. He couldn't have a healthy nor lasting relationship with a young woman nor anyone else because of the depression, pain and sense of unworthiness. It was a long hard road until he grew up a bit and figured it all out. At 35 he went back to college (as he dropped out at your age). He put his heart into it and stopped every single bad habit completely. He graduated top of his class. It was not easy for him with emotional ups and downs. He is now a nurse manager and can pour out that empathy and care that he has, in spades. When he's tired and not taking care of himself properly along with long days at work, he can feel the old mindset creeping in and now has the skill set to circumvent it. Life will never be a cakewalk for him but as he tells me, "I now live a life that matters". Goals, however minor, are a good first step with the right professionals to help you get there.

I'm not suggesting you would love healthcare but you need to find your path where a gift of empathy is an asset or start volunteering somewhere like an animal shelter where just one walk and a little love makes all the difference to one animal at a time.

Matt you have such a gift to give to the world. People like "us" are what makes it turn and be a better place. Please know that you are so special and can make such a positive difference. At this point in his life, my son tells me, "Mom, in spite of the suffering it brings me, I wouldn't change a thing about me...because I feel ALIVE and bring that to the table, I don't just dial it in. You were right...my empathy gene is needed in the world and I'm grateful for it.".

There is a community here that care. Stay with us and treat yourself with love and understanding. Be your own best friend and treat yourself accordingly. Concentrate on yourself and getting healthy in all ways. The rest will fall into place, in all relationships.

Everything and anything is possible, Honey.

Always remember God lives you.

Thank you for the kind words

Matt,

I too have very strong empathy. I've have used your exact words when trying to explain it to people. I don't tend to use the term empath very often because then the request for parlor tricks start. As you know it doesn't work that way. It is as you say like experiencing another person reality, usually one they have not clearly identified themselves. I believe everyone has the capacity for deep empathy, unfortunately it is my experience that empathy tends to be deepened in trauma.

When I was a child my parents were violent and unpredictable. I can remember not wanting to exist before I even went to school. At age six I had a terrible psychotic break that lasted many weeks. No doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. At that time there was very little known about mental health. I was sent home to deal with it on my own. My parents of course were not helpful at all. I found, perhaps you have too, that being alone made everything easier. The more people I was around the worse it was. Feelings I could not even identify would drown me and the break down would start all over again.

I eventually retreated to the woods behind my house. I lived in the country and I could walk all day through the woods and never come across another soul. It was peaceful. I also found that playing sports, in my case hockey and football helped. Everyone was focused on what they were doing giving me a reprieve from the constant emotional noise. Something I noticed around this time is that most of what I picked up was negative, ugly feelings, as you noted of trauma. I came to realize that I was mostly attuned to things that could hurt me, it was a self defense mechanism. I still had trouble untangling other peoples feelings from mine.

Around fifteen I had a relationship with a guidance counselor twice my age, I think that's called sexual assault now. The emotions associated with that affair were beyond anything I could handle. I began to drink and started doing hard drugs simply to numb my feelings. Eventually I ended up in the hospital for eight months. I got clean and sober.

My life started to improve almost immediately, but I still had all of those confusing feelings. Luckily I found a very gifted therapist who spent the next nine years, sometimes every day, helping me understand who I was and how I might find peace. I wish I could say it has been easy since then but I can not. After many good years I had a doctor misdiagnose me. I am dealing with that now.

I would never tell anyone what to do and I won't insult you by do so now. It is your life to do with as you see fit. What I can tell you is you have a lot to contribute to this world. As you know people are in a lot of pain, the world needs as much kindness and love as we can muster for each other. Trying my best to be kind to everyone, even my mother and two sisters, relieves of the burden of self. Somedays it is easier than others.

Some other things that help me are exercising vigorously at least two hours a day. The doctors claim one only thirty minutes is necessary but I feel so good I'd do it all day if my body could handle it. I try to eat healthfully. For me that means no sugar, lot of vegetables, clean protein and as few preservatives as possible. I also do a ton of research regarding my condition and the medications I am on. The information I have collected allowed me to approach my primary care physician (GP) and my mental health provider with request for changes and reductions in my medications and for additional testing.

The most important test was my testosterone levels. Low testosterone has almost identical symptoms as depression. In my case they found them critically low. It wasn't a big surprise because antidepressants block testosterone. After all the testing we made a real treatment plan. Unlike the add hoc, let me pull a rabbit out of my hat, treatment I had been receiving all my life.

I didn't realize at the time but I was making Me the purpose of my life. Getting better has become my first priority everything else follows, after all if I'm not well I can't help anyone else. I've since found something more as well. I've started a company that will provide the kind of research I did for myself for doctors and their patients.

All of this began with gun in my hand and me ready to blow my head off. Something clicked and made me want to know why I wanted to die so badly. Why the urge to kill myself seemed out of my control. Some of my answers I found in a book, "Brain Energy" by a doctor named Palmer. I started to see a connection between my physical health and my mental health. The reality is there is only health, one body, everything connected. All illness require whole body solutions.

I am now the best I have been, perhaps, ever. I still wish I wasn't alive sometimes when the weight of trying to rebuild a shattered life seems too heavy. But then I remember I have a job to do.

My friend, no one knows exactly what you are going through. There are many who don't want to know, it scares them. But you know the terrain. You have the gifts. The journey will not be easy but you can make it a step at a time, after all what else do you have to do!

I have found that making a plan helps me. I can't always follow it but it gives me a track to come back to.

My friend, there are people you have not yet met who will need your hard won kindness and love.

Remember you are loved and be kind to yourself this stuff is hard work!

I've encountered a vast array of problems, challenges, and opportunities
throughout my life.
A common denominator for a healthy well-being has been consistency.
I see a therapist on a regular basis-- in person or tele-health. Even when
I feel better, I don't miss an appointment because it's healthy for me to
celebrate the good stuff, too.
And with medication, just because I feel better, that doesn't compel me to
stop taking my meds. It's not like I'm taking an antibiotic.
It takes time for meds to achieve their therapeutic levels. Sometimes, my
brain or body builds a resistance. That's why I have treatment resistant
depression. It took years for something new to
"come down the pike."

Regular Spravato treatments have helped in combination with an
antidepressant--based on the GeneSight analysis--talk therapy, and engaging
in my world.
Body, Mind, Spirit.

Unfortunately, I am my own worst enemy. So, I'm cautiously optimistic.
I'm aware of self-sabotage.
I work on avoiding or controlling analysis paralysis. I'm aware of
triggers.
I'm aware of the toll my mental illnesses have had on my family.

I've been accused of I, I, I...yet, I am sharing my experiences, not
because of malice, selfishness, or narcissism. I share my experiences
because keeping them secret was self-destructive. I have learned to share
with a receptive audience...with kindred spirits, with open-minded people.

Depression and other illnesses that affect our moods and thoughts are still
part of the vast unexplored frontier--the brain.
Hope is an important key.
I hope I've provided something helpful.

Hi @young, Colleen D.
I just reread an entry I made in August, 2023. I sounded positive and
sincere. I was feeling as though my depression was in remission.

When I originally began this mental health quest, I did have an expectation
to get better. I know there is no cure.

I especially like to relate to the movie, The Awakening. Although the
inpatients had a totally different diagnosis, the movie depicted a shred of
hope as the characters were Awakening from their catatonic states.

When I am experiencing an Awakening, I feel I have a moral obligation to
take advantage of feeling better. This year was especially therapeutic for
me because I engaged in many of the activities I used to do, prior to the
major depressive episodes.
I'm not a goody two-shoes. I like to be involved in projects that are
community oriented.
I taught at one of our local universities in January as an adjunct
professor.
In April, our Advocacy Group received its nonprofit status.

I returned in the fall and taught two courses.

We just sponsored a community picnic...

And about two months ago, while I was therapeutically pushing myself, "You
know, you just have to try harder. Push yourself," I could feel myself
losing leverage.
My brain is not going into a catatonic state. My brain is getting sick.
Concentration, writing, interacting, completing projects are beginning to
deteriorate. No suicidal ideations. Spravato is doing its job.
Treatment Resistant Depression has come out of remission. It's being
fertilized by free-floating anxiety
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I may need to resign from teaching if I
don't reverse the negative trend I'm experiencing.

God has a weird sense of humor. As I get better, I feel I have a purpose. I
have confidence. I'm capable of putting things in perspective.

"But, don't feel too better. Don't feel too confident. Cuz God knows...He's
gonna rip out the rug from under me."

Yes, I have people in my life who feel it's necessary to let me know that
I'm depressed because "you're a weak person. The devil knows you're weak.
So that's why you have a mental illness. You have to try harder. Push
yourself! Push harder!"

I just wanted to say that I do what I can when I can.

This isn't the Dark Ages.

People with mental illnesses need to avoid ignorant rhetoric.

When will we truly be emancipated from the superstitious, antiquated, and
disrespectful stigma and stereotypes assosciated with mental issues?

I wanted to take the time to ask that question before my Awakening
dissipates.
I also want to thank Mayo Clinic Connect and its associates and members for
being reliable allies and a great resource.

☮️

@audriana Shirley, your post asks a great and thoughtful question. The answer is not so simple, it seems. Emancipated is an awesome way to describe how we want to be seen and heard. In my head, mental health is a spectrum, one that we all traverse on a continuum, fluctuating between points. Perhaps it will take a gentle and persistent push that all of us on this journey extend to others, to allow everyone to see we are, under it all, the same flesh and blood as everyone else? Perhaps it may take adamant and in-your-face demands that we be treated like we matter? Or, perhaps, a combination of the two.

We each have our unique situations, and it takes constant vigilance on our part to do what we can for ourselves, whatever that may be. And, it can change over time. What "worked" once may not again, or work again later. There seems to be a never-ending search for how we will manage ourselves in any given space and time. At least, that is how it is for me. Being open and willing to explore the options and possibilities create a challenge that, while uncomfortable at times, can lead to new discoveries of coping and living our best life.
Ginger

Hello, @gingerw
I needed a few days to mull over what you expressed in your comment.
My first impression was one of admiration for the way that you engage and interact with the people who participate in this community.
Then, my goal is to accept a compliment without blowing it off or making a self-deprecating remark.

" Thank you, Ginger."

You have a way of getting to the heart of the matter and providing a variety of "Us" a milieu of supportive strategies. I especially like the way you invite others into the discussions.
Perspective has been my buzzword in 2023. Perspective and creepy...don't ask. However, I don't have a creepy perspective.
Okay, I'm going off on a little tangent because I've been told I became an intraverted extrovert. I was an extrovert, but I received so much negative reinforcement that I became introverted. I subdued and suppressed myself. Now, when I have a fleeting moment at the opportunity to say something weird, I do. My filter does work. However, I think my filter was clogged and wasn't allowing any little spark of inspiration, creativity, or humor to pass through as self-expression.

As I wait for the last phase of the Spravato treatment to lead to departing, I am acutely aware of the blessings that I have received in the form of people such as yourself. Considering that we do glide along a continuum of health, of all the bad things that could potentially happen, there are exceedingly many more good things that do occur. I am grateful.
I changed the whole paradigm today. I was allowed to have my dog with me today. Her company comforted and supported me. The friendly gestures, the gentle Doggie talk, and a few treats helped reinforce her social skills.
Speaking of social skills, I believe this original conversation was about Matt. I hope you're doing well. As GingerW mentioned, our issues with mental illness are not set in concrete. We do have a responsibility to advocate for ourselves in order to empower ourselves. Proactivity is one way that we can outfox the Continuum.
In life, in a group, in a class, I have found that we can achieve our objectives through PPEACE
Participation
Proactivity Empowerment Awareness Collaboration Enrichment

Through PPEACE, Matt, use your skills, especially empathy and intuitiveness. to reach out to people.