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no idea how to accomplish what i need
First a little background...
i'm a bighearted empty nest mom (almost 58) who HATES confrontation in any form or fashion.. i know i'm easily manipulated emotionally but its just the way i am so bear this in mind with what i tell you about the situation and such
several years ago i started helping out a friend who has combat PTSD (not an american vet so no vet status in US) after his amputation and his fiancee dumping him... then covid came along, he ended up losing his home, and i let him move onto my family land where i had a hunting cabin so he wasn't on the streets... this is TOTALLY off-grid far as main electric, water etc and is 15 miles from closest town and about 4 miles from closest dollar general, no cell service there either....he has NO surviving family members, so no help there, he does not drive so living that remotely he wasn't able to get a job because of lack of transport but with his cats it was impossible to find something to rent that he could afford to get deposits etc for after losing his home .. my family land is 1.5 hours north of me and for most part was ok with me checking in once every couple weeks for a grocery run, dr appts, etc, until he kept getting sick and no idea what was going on..
Well by June of this year it was getting really bad and he ended up in hospital and by 2nd week of August was diagnosed with stage 2 pancreatic cancer. So basically from 3rd week of June until now he's either been in the hospital or staying with us (leaving his cats and chickens alone with me going up every 3-4 days to check on them) or i've overnighted at the land there (we have 2 cabins, the one he lives in that we bought for him to live in and ours) with him... the few times i've had ANY time away from him was a couple of the times i didn't stay at the hospital with him... and those ended up badly..
i'm his medical POA and the ONLY person he recognizes as a friendly when he comes out of anesthesia after any kind of a procedure or during a flashback. He always wakes up in one of the battles he was in over in the desert, but my voice sounds like his medic he had there so he will respond to me as though i were her... ERGO i end up spending a LOT of time in the hospital with him.
ANYWAYS all that to give you a background of how much he has come to depend on me...
So now we have him on a relatively regular chemo regimen, both my and my hubby want our house back... at least part of the time...my hubby has been a saint through all this but he's reached his limit and tbh so have i... this is his off week of chemo and when i mentioned taking him home Wed and coming back to pick him up Sunday he went into MELTDOWN... i mean totally...he obviously doesn't WANT to go back home to stay but he can't move in permanently here,.. that AINT going to happen....even if hubby agreed i couldn't handle that... hubby is ok with him being here for 2-3 days after chemo if necessary but he wants me alone for a while...and i want that too...
i feel terrible for his cats being left alone so much but when one of the guys he knows offered to take them to his house til he got back on his feet he went off on him about that too and raged about it to me too!!!... i'm so at a loss...i feel guilty for wanting him to go home... even mentioned it to hubby this evening and he was like" yea if i say anything either he'll just rage"... its like the proverbial rock and hard place....
HOW do i get him to go home without him raging or making me feel terrible for wanting a break from him???
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LOL yea if they weren't indoor only!!! there's only one of them he lets outdoors and thats only when someone is there and makes sure she is in at night... where he lives there's bear, coyote, fox, bobcats and all kinds of other critters... i TRIED to get him to let them learn to go out but NOPE...the one that does was a feral he rescued when he lived in the trailer before covid...so she would be fine the others prob not...there's 2 of them that are 7 and haven't been outside a day in their lives since he rescued them as babies off the street at about 4 weeks of age...there's two that have NEVER been outside and then there's 3 that have been but only when they escape and he has a meltdown if that happens....those 3 are babies of the feral he tamed and are the ones i tried to get him to let go out...but nope...they are now 4...i have one of that litter here at my house and she's an AMAZING hunter.. she's my baby
@mommacandy here is the actual VA report that says he is eligible. Maybe send the VA a copy. You can also contact the VA Service Officer in your area.
https://news.va.gov/102866/the-immigrant-military-members-and-veterans-initiative-and-how-va-supports-immigrant-veterans/#:~:text=Who%20is%20eligible%20for%20benefits,to%20those%20who%20live%20abroad.
Can you try this?
i have looked at it but my understanding of it was based on it was for immigrants who had enlisted and served in the US service and either been deported or had left the country voluntarily... tbh i think he's probably getting better medical care with medicaid than the VA based on the crap my vet friends have to go through to get treatment... but i'll investigate further...
my biggest issue is figuring out how in the world we're going to convince him so "he thinks of it" that he needs to go home and stay put... TY all for your thoughts, insights, prayers etc...and i'm certainly open to any other thoughts on how to approach this...
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1 ReactionMy brother in law, Jerry, who decided to stay in the nursing home was also on medicaid and medicaid paid the entire bill for the nursing home and the staff filled out all the paper work for us. The nursing home was a nice place, some private residents were paying close to $8,000 a month. He had 3 meals a day, got medical care, washed and even had live entertainment come in once a day...good luck !
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2 Reactionsty, he's not at the level of that care yet but good to know for the future!!,
at this point he's perfectly capable of staying alone etc other than getting him to various places as needed.. he's alert, capable of taking care of himself and his animals its a case of he doesn't want to... he gets tired easily, of course but who wouldn't on the levels of meds he's on...and my hubby is fine with the occasional stay but this "moving in bit" i'm not happy with and neither is he!!! i'll get there, and yalls encouragement has been fantastic...i'm just so tired....
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1 Reaction@mommacandy here is a good website. Lots of suggestions!
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-best-way-to-get-rid-of-an-unwanted-house-guest-who-has-moved-in
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4 ReactionsROFL definitely some funny stories there!!! thanks for the laughs and ideas ...
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3 ReactionsI think the social services idea is your best option. This man is ruining your life and your husband’s and you may have done all you can for him.
Perhaps social services can line up a more teasonablexarrangementvandcstabd by you when he hears about it.
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4 Reactionsthe thing is, i don't want to lose my best friend, he's been there for me multiple times, i don't mind driving him, being there as his advocate, etc and my hubby doesn't even mind a day or two after chemo if he's having a really hard time...but we want him to go home in between....
when he goes in for his next chemo on Tues while he's in infusion i'll definitely be seeing what i can learn from a social worker (aka taking a walk to battle a gym in pokemon go while he's infusing) ...
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1 ReactionI hope you can make some progress. Just remember that -- like doctors, hospitals, etc. -- not all social work support is equal. A research institution can often have better support staff -- with wider experience -- than local practices, but you might be pleasantly surprised. And sometimes the level of support varies by practice even within the same medical system.
Medicine tends to have more gate-keepers than bridge-builders, but that doesn't mean that there isn't someone, somewhere who knows the optimum route. The hard part is finding them esp. when life is full already.
Even though he's relatively young, if there's a relatively close-by equivalent to a "Council for Aging" or the like that provides different kinds of counseling -- financial, Medicaid/Medicare, and medical -- they also might be able to help a lot on the resources front due to the experience they're likely to have. He may not be elderly, but he is -- like all of us -- "aging".
He's lucky to have a friend like you. Good luck and hang in there. And if you can, you may want to find someone you trust for your own counseling. It can be re-assuring to have someone else as a source of ideas, esp. if they've got experience dealing with the medical system. Not to mention to have an outlet for dealing with the ups and downs of all you're doing.
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