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bipolar with mixed episodes, putting my family through an awful time
I am 38 years old and work as a nurse. I am bipolar with mixed episodes. It is so hard going through these episodes. I put my family through an awful time with the depression and irritability. I feel like everything inside me is racing. I feel as though I am on speed. But I also feel like I don't want to live anymore. I feel sad because I hurt the one's I love most when I am in an episode. Everything inside me is screaming JUST HELP, SOME ONE JUST HELP ME. I have been through this before 3 years ago and had psychosis with it. My sis who is a psych nurse says it is me being selfish when I want my life to end. I just wonder is there anyone else that feels this way. And what helped you.
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I have spent the majority of my life being “urgently suicidal”, that’s what I call mixed episodes. ‘I need to kill myself right now and I don’t know why”.
Occasionally I have been able to channel that energy into productive pursuits, when I do I can work magic. Recently I turned my focus to trying to understand everything going on with me; mentally and physically.
The result is I am getting better. I am no longer suicidal, in fact I want to live. I have things to do. For me knowledge lead to action. Action has little by little (well actually only three months, but you know, seems like a long time) lead to changes in my overall well being.
I’m kind of a broken record, but for me the changes started with diet and exercise. There is a lot more to wellbeing, but changes to my diet and getting moving gave me the little start I needed.
I believe being human is a chronic condition that requires on going attention.
I now question everything. Then I talk to my doctors and agree on a plan. Then I act on the plan. Making adjustments, with my doctors, as I go. But, it all starts with me. It’s my life. I am the one suffers and hurts people. I had to take responsibility for me.
Please know, I am not suggesting you don’t already take responsibility for yourself. I’m sure you are doing all you can.
This is my experience only. I was a passive participant in my mental and physical health. My family and I paid the price.
I can no longer live like that.
I hope your suffering ease and you find peace!
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4 ReactionsI like your proactive attitude. I haven't had a single day of depression in nine months since I started routinely exercizing and got off of that evil drug Zyprexa (olanzapine). I still take 200mg/day Lamictal (lamotrigine) but hope to wean off of that soon and see if I can keep bipolar at bay w/ endorphin release therapy (aka exercize).
Stay the course, my friend. I'm pulling for you.
Ah, those years are hard. It appeared there was not a lot of help. Pms was the most popular diagnosis. As I was positive I was going nuts I picked up a yoga book with drawings instead of women on tv. I went to the
Stress chapter
lay on my carpet and did a couple things . Eventually I could do 2- 30 min.sessions on my own. Then I searched for the local top dog Psychiatrist in town. Weekly at first, eventually every 3 months. I was way off the chart to learn coping tools. Later. They also see medicine effects. I got better. I wanted to be better. I fed my spirit with, reading, yoga, good food, 1 gallon of water, correct drugs. Be Strong and Corageous! Feed your spirit. Find a Dr who see you and talk.