1. < Addiction & Recovery

How to help someone recognize they need help?

Posted by rowt2 @rowt2, Sep 12, 2023

I am married but in midst of separation from my spouse. We have been together for 23 yrs and sadly, this last year has led to many challenges/hardships. He has a history of cocaine abuse, has picked up chewing tobacco, and drinks alcohol. When I shared I wished to separate, he became quite erratic... sadly this led to courts, lawyers and orders. Eventually, it became too expensive to keep lawyers in the mix, so we are now co-habitating and orders have been canceled. What I am seeing behaviourally: sleeping till noon-2 pm, has employees do all of his jobs for his personal business, will be mad at me and share I should never expect him to help me but the next day is buying me winter tires for my car and a display of groceries on the kitchen table including LEGO for the kids. It's erratic, I know he needs help, I have no idea what exactly all this stems from. Any suggestions or support is greatly appreciated.

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Jacki | @jaxtapoze | Sep 15, 2023
In reply to @dfb "I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I was clean and sober for over thirty two..." + (show)
@dfb

I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I was clean and sober for over thirty two years. Then I started drinking and doing drugs again at age 50. The reasons don’t really mater. What does matter is my wife and I discussed divorce but I stayed in the house guest room. In three months it ended very, very badly.

It’s been ten years and I’ve not seen my beloved wife and children since. I have also been clean and sober the whole time since. She got away from me and took the kids, she was right to do so! Now I’m trying to fix the mess I made and don’t know if I’ll have enough time.

The best way I can put it is that alcoholism is a virus and the alcoholic is the carrier. The virus poisons everyone that comes in contact with it. My wife knew to get away and to take the kids away before I gave the virus to them. I am grateful to her.

Only the alcoholic can choose to get better. Until I did I was toxic and would have sickened the people I love the most. The best coping tools I know of for loved ones of the alcoholic are therapy and alAnon. AlAnon is free.

Take care of yourself first or you’ll have nothing left for others.

Jump to this post

Thank you for laying your truth out for everyone to see. I too am an addict who’s been sober for 5 years but I don’t take it for granted, every day is another chance to mess up if I don’t setup boundaries and stick with them. Big hugs from one hurting soul to another.

REPLY
dfb | @dfb | Sep 16, 2023

Chiming in again. Blame doesn’t matter at this point, everyone’s safety does.

My wife was forced to call the police and have me arrested. Thank god she did! Her accusations were false but her fear of what I might do to myself and others was real. By the way everything fell apart in three months. From CEO to Jail.

It took time for me to see what happened. Three years later I choose prison rather then humiliating her and hurting my children more. I owed her and my children at least that much.

I don’t know if she did what she did consciously or not but she saved us all. Psych meds, alcohol and cocaine turned me into a monster. Sure I blamed her initially, but by the time the finally charged me I knew she did the right thing.

I have been sober since. I will be off all of the unnecessary psych meds by the end of the year.

I have started a company to help individuals and their doctors make better decisions.

My wife did this. She made all of this possible. She had to put me in prison to do it and I love her for it!

I need to start writing exwife😭

REPLY
pum | @pum | Sep 26, 2023

I see addiction as starting with the false love of rewards and punishment. These feel like love and are our first drug. Because they are not satisfying, we become addicted to them; and the more or more intense instances we receive of them, the more addictive we become.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Sep 26, 2023

@rowt2 how are you doing today?

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