1. < Loss & Grief

My husband passed away

Posted by bigmaya @bigmaya, Aug 23, 2023

Hello All,
My husband and soulmate of almost 32 years passed away last Thursday evening. He was terminally ill with prostate cancer.
I'm trying to learn to survive, to get "acquainted " with the new situation but l'm millions of miles away yet... I actually haven't started yet...
There are no family or relatives to support me here.

So l'd love to find some company here, people who can relate/understand but who are also willing to be in touch to talk and chat just about anything under the sun. Please refrain from emojis as a reply.
Thank you🙏💐🦉

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Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Sep 8, 2023
In reply to @komebackqueen "ABSOLUTELY. Have you read or talked about "secondary losses" yet? For me this struck such a..." + (show)
@komebackqueen

ABSOLUTELY. Have you read or talked about "secondary losses" yet? For me this struck such a chord. The death of someone we care about is a primary event in our lives but we are losing so much more than just our person. This loss sets in motion dozens of subsequent losses. Examples given were loss of: family structure, financial security, self-confidence, identity, dreams, future and past, ETC. Its that pebble dropped into a pond and the ridiculous ripple affects it has on the water. It was suggested to me that its helpful to identify these personal secondary losses and grieve them also. The following words were provided to get you thinking about the roles that your person filled in your relationship and that was such an eye opener:
Friend--Lover--handyman--gardener--companion--tax preparer--spouse--bill payer--protector--counselor--cook--co-parent--sports partner--comforter.
Then we went on to fill in the list with what our special person provided or enhanced in our life together. One thing that hit me was that my husband really was my biggest fan and loved me so well, so unconditionally. I want THAT again. I want a life partner again. I want love and to be loved again. Finally, i read a book by a woman named Christina Rasmussen, Second Firsts. She speaks of the word "dating" and the discomfort it elicits for so many. But if we think of it as "loving" and that we are going out to find someone to love us, then it softens it a little. I liked that idea. So YES, i too am obsessed by this!

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I'm reading the book. Its well written and very good

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triz | @triz | Sep 11, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "This is another month, and I wonder how you are feeling. My son lives on the..." + (show)
@merpreb

This is another month, and I wonder how you are feeling.

My son lives on the other coast of mine, and we communicate daily. But it's certainly not the same as being close by.

Have you found help yet with your depression and anxiety?

Merry

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Very difficult to get an appointment, but the only one I could get is in November. I attended two grief sessions. Did not help, however I participated in a virtual one tonight that I found beneficial. As I stated my only child, my son, calls me daily but spends very little time with me & lives about 45 minutes from me. Wish things were different, but I love him and glad he does help when I ask.

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triz | @triz | Sep 11, 2023

I am willing to chat anytime in the evening.

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Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Sep 12, 2023
In reply to @triz "Very difficult to get an appointment, but the only one I could get is in November...." + (show)
@triz

Very difficult to get an appointment, but the only one I could get is in November. I attended two grief sessions. Did not help, however I participated in a virtual one tonight that I found beneficial. As I stated my only child, my son, calls me daily but spends very little time with me & lives about 45 minutes from me. Wish things were different, but I love him and glad he does help when I ask.

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@triz- November is really just around the corner, and you might find something earlier. But you're right, it is difficult to find appointments. If I were you, I'd call occasionally and see if there had been a cancellation. You never know.

I'm assuming that you have talked with your son about the limited time he spends with you. What has he said?

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bigmaya | @bigmaya | Oct 3, 2023

Hello Everyone💐🦉
I must really do something stupid here because this is the third time l delete my post by mistake🙄
Anyway, l hope at least some of you are feeling better and that breathing comes easier.
I haven't really been myself since my husband of blessed memory passed on Aug. 17th. So if l missed any replies or offers to chat from you, l sincerely apologize🙏
I promised to go watch a movie this evening... with this local woman l recently met (she's been a widow several years now and compared to me (l feel like roadkill😢) she's a super power woman, so full of life and energy!! Hope l can keep my promise. All the best to you💐🙏

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goibib | @goibib | Oct 3, 2023

My husband passed away 2 months ago. I am really having a struggle coming to terms with his death. I don't know how to start living again as I myself have kidney cancer which also drags me down. Any advice please.

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bigmaya | @bigmaya | Oct 3, 2023
In reply to @goibib "My husband passed away 2 months ago. I am really having a struggle coming to terms..." + (show)
@goibib

My husband passed away 2 months ago. I am really having a struggle coming to terms with his death. I don't know how to start living again as I myself have kidney cancer which also drags me down. Any advice please.

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Hello, I'm really sorry for your loss and for you having to deal with this illness. I hope you have family or / and relatives you can count on to support you through this difficult time. Or maybe people in your community or the church if you belong to a congregation. Unfortunally l don't have much advise to give you as l'm dealing with my situation totally on my own. Wish lots of strenght and perseverance, all the best💐🙏

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goibib | @goibib | Oct 4, 2023
In reply to @bigmaya "Hello, I'm really sorry for your loss and for you having to deal with this illness...." + (show)
@bigmaya

Hello, I'm really sorry for your loss and for you having to deal with this illness. I hope you have family or / and relatives you can count on to support you through this difficult time. Or maybe people in your community or the church if you belong to a congregation. Unfortunally l don't have much advise to give you as l'm dealing with my situation totally on my own. Wish lots of strenght and perseverance, all the best💐🙏

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Hi ....thank you so much for replying. It means the world to me. My children are all working overseas (I live in Pretoria, South Africa) so I don't see them that often. I too am trying to battle this on my own. I will pray for you. Blessings

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bigmaya | @bigmaya | Oct 4, 2023

You are most welcome, despite the sad and hard circumstances we're both going through... So sorry your children are too far away to be with you now. I have "just" a whole bunch of felines needing me and keeping me from giving up... My late husband lived and worked in Capetown for 2 years in the late 80's and toured the entire country as much as possible. He never stopped missing it and telling me about it.

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Oct 4, 2023

My husband passed away just over two years ago and I am still having problems. In my "sane" head I know he is gone, but in my feelings I can't accept it. I have had some grief therapy which helped somewhat. I am alone and despite everyone telling me I "have to get out there" I really don't want to be around people. I am still a watering pot and never know what will set me off. We were married for a long time and he was my life. So perhaps now that my life is gone so am I.

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